What Really Matters

Once Again, I See The Effects Of Control

2011-03-02T09:59:00.012-06:00

Hey friends,
I haven't written a post in a while, but I stay connected with my blog on a regular basis. I always respond to comments and I check to see which posts people seem to be reading. It's very interesting that most people find my blog by googling words such as controlling, manipulative people and narcissistic pastors. I think there are a lot more people dealing with this than we know.

I received a heart wrenching comment yesterday on a post titled, "The Controlling, Abusive Pastor," and I want to share it with you.

"These are some of the qualities that my pastor has too. He keeps threatening that anybody who leaves the church without his decision would die and go to hell and God himself would take vengeance against such a member. I feel I'm into spiritual slavery . I have felt many times that he has manipulated scripture to meet his selfish motives. Now he wants me to move closer to his house so that he can control me more (though he gives different excuses). There are forced covenants that he has made us take regarding a business that the church should start. We are only 6 members and it's a home church. I'm frustrated and can not even talk back for the fear of speaking against authority. There are times when I thought suicide would be a way out. But suicide I believe would be a direct ticket to hell so I don't dare to take such a step. On the other hand I want to fulfill the plan and purpose for which God has sent me to the world. I'm crying out to the Lord to help me. Can I ask you guys for prayers though."

This comment greatly concerned me and this is why my blog is so important to me. Once again I see the effects and the devastation that being under a controlling leader has on people and I hope something I say can help. This dear person is suffering under the hand of a man who calls himself a pastor but is so far from what a true pastor really is. I hope the person who left this comment finds the courage to leave this ungodly control and find peace.

This "pastor," and many others like him, use fear and manipulation to keep people under their rule. They go to extremes by saying that bad things will happen to you and your family if you leave. You have to realize they are just bullies and you must not allow them to manipulate you. They only want to use you so they can have their own selfish way. It's never been and never will be about what is best for you. It's all about what will benefit him - the selfish pastor. When people who call themselves leaders treat people this way, it is the total OPPOSITE of the way God treats people.

Being under a controlling leader strips you of who you are. It takes away your voice and you find yourself living only to please the leader. You lay aside your own wants and dreams to fulfill his. That is NOT what was intended for your life! When a man takes control over you in the name of God it's wrong. God Himself doesn't even take control over us. He gave us our free will to choose. How can a man claiming to be a voice for God do something that even God can't do? The answer is...he can't unless we allow him to. We have to be strong and stand up to these kind of controlling people and say enough is enough. And be warned...when a pastor says if you speak against him you are speaking against authority, he is hiding something. No one person is higher than another and when a pastor tries to make you feel lower than he is, he is a narcissist with wrong motives.

To the person who wrote this comment, I hope you read this post and realize that you need to run from this situation. It's unhealthy and it is sucking the very life out of you. I know it's hard, but God will give you the courage. I have been there and I had to stand up and take my life back from a controlling, narcissistic tyrant. Being in this type of situation only hurts you and no good will come from it. Your life is basically on hold until you free yourself. You can truly start to live again when you get out from under the control. I hope you find your voice and start to enjoy your life. You have a friend in me and I would love to talk to you. You can get through this. I did and I know of many others who have too. You are not alone.

If there are others who have a word of encouragement for this hurting person, please feel free to comment here.

Spiritual Abuse Resources

2011-01-15T09:00:00.012-06:00

January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month. I'm glad to know that there are people out there trying to raise the awareness of this travesty that affects so many lives.

Dr. Barb Orlowski has compiled a list of spiritual abuse blogs and websites. Barb looked at over 130 sites and picked the best of the bunch. These sites provide insights into people's lives and experience of spiritual abuse. Some of them may speak to you more than others, but you can pick the ones that are your personal favorites.

I have linked the sites for you, so all you have to do is click on the title.

*Church Exiters

*Setting The Captives Free

*Pure Provender

*Futurist Guy

*Spiritual Abuse In the Church

*Spiritual Abuse

*Christian Survivors

*The Hope Of Survivors

*Kingdom Grace

*Battered Sheep

*Spiritual Abuse Recovery resources

*The National Association Of Christian Recovery

*Recovery From Abuse

*VM Life Resources

*The Wartburg Watch

*Church Abuse

*John Mark Ministries

*Apologetics Index

*Stop Spiritual Abuse

*Reflections On Spiritual Abuse

*Rick Ross Institute

*Wittenberg Gate

*The Barnabas Ministry

*Word Of Faith Recovery Forum

*Ministry From Two Poles

*Ruby's Emporium

*Wicked Shepherds

*We Survived Abuse

*Spiritual Abuse Sanctuary

Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?

2011-01-11T22:16:00.005-06:00

I have found myself caught in the web of manipulation a few times in my life and I am determined to never find myself there again. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you are dealing with a manipulator.....

1. Does this person always play the role of the victim? Do this person believe he/she can "do no wrong?" Is it always someone else's fault?

2. Does this person often get angry and throw temper tantrums? Have you felt threatened during this person's angry outbursts?

3. Does this person try to make you feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong?

4. Does this person try to confuse your thinking in order to get you to do what they want? Does it seem as if it is a game to them? Have you ever wondered if this person has actually researched how to manipulate people?

5. Does this person pivot off of lies? Have you noticed that everything this person says is tainted with untruths? Even if you don't realize it at the moment, do you eventually see that this person seems to lie about everything? Do you basically dismiss everything this person says?

6. Does this person try to divert your attention from the truth? Would you identify him/her as an expert liar? Does this person talk in circles?

7. Is it always "all about them?"

8. Do you find yourself doing things you really wish you hadn't? Does this person try to get you outside your comfort zone, because then they can pull your string and get one over on you? Do you often feel agitated after being around this person?

9. Is this person very insecure? Do they talk about themselves and try to build themselves up? Have you noticed that this person subtly puts you down?

10. Does this person try to get you to cut off your support systems so he/she can gain dominance over you? Do they act sweet and innocent in front of you, while they talk about you behind your back?

11. Does this person make promises to change, but never follow through? (It is very rare that a manipulator makes any changes.)

12. Have you always had a question about this person in the back of your mind?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you are dealing with a manipulator. In most cases manipulators will not change. You need to be alert and very aware of who you are dealing with. It is easy to forget and allow yourself to fall back into their trap, so keep your guard up.

(If you found this post to be helpful, you may also want to read The Manipulators Behavior Defined and Dealing With Manipulative People.)

2010-12-23T19:00:00.009-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Spiritual Abuse Recovery

2010-11-19T18:32:00.008-06:00

I was asked recently to review a book by Dr. Barbara Orlowski titled, Spiritual Abuse Recovery. I have been reading it and can relate to everything she has written in her book because of my past involvement in an abusive church. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has left or is contemplating leaving an abusive church.

When Barb emailed to ask me to read her book, we began to converse back and forth. I have really enjoyed getting to know her. She is a wonderful person who is passionate about helping others in the area of spiritual abuse.

One section that really spoke to me in the book was where Barb shared quotes from people who have been involved in an abusive church. In doing research, she had the participants respond to a questionnaire about their experience. I want to share some of those questions and the answers that were given. When I was searching for answers, it was such a help to know others had been through what I was going through and to hear them voice it. Can you find yourself in any of the comments these people made?

The following comments describe the reasons why participants left their church:

"There was a tremendous dichotomy between what was said by leadership, and the message they actually conveyed. They often spoke of the freedom we have as believers, as well as our individual value in God's eyes. But any attempt to think or act with any degree of freedom was quickly and firmly labeled as unsubmissiveness to leadership."

"The main problem stemmed from the fact that the leader was not submitted to anyone and yet wanted submission. His doctrine was off and his tactics were abusive and the church showed no fruit."

"It was clear that the pastor was never going to address any problems: present or future...I was told that the Lord spoke to my pastor, so if I disagreed, I was in error."

"We had invested greatly in this congregation. It was hard to understand how people in leadership positions could "put up" and even enable this kind of behavior by the pastor. Leadership and authority exercised by one person in a congregation is not only unbiblical, but is inherently abusive and destructive."

"The pastor had left such a trail of hurting and damaged people, and I felt I could no longer be a part of that type of destruction."

"We were falsely accused by the pastor of being rebellious and unsubmitted. The church we left is still being destroyed by authoritarian leadership, control, and abuse. It was a wonderful community of people that was ruined by false spiritual leadership."

"I believed so much of what they said. I towed the lines they put up. You need to understand something: these people (the leaders) were my life. I took care of their children for them. I put my own interests last and served them for years. I made it possible both physically and financially for them to exist. As far as the rest of the group, I really thought they would know our hearts and at least come to talk. Only one couple did."

"Our eyes were opened to seeing that our church was run by a manipulative and oppressively controlling pastor who had just enough charisma and mountain charm to bamboozle the masses into believing and following him as "God's anointed," appointed for this church and the surrounding area of the county. Adding to his ruling hand is an Elder Board of "Yes Men" of which the pastor was chairman."

The following are comments from those who felt that they had to leave a position or were asked to leave (were fired) from a church position:

"I got fired from the assistant pastor position for questioning the authority. Hardest part, for me, was to forgive myself for being duped by a pastor who I should have seen through much earlier on in the fourteen years I spent under his ministry."

"The senior pastor while able to be quite charming to the congregation and others in the community, was emotionally abusive to his staff in general and had become increasingly abusive to me my last year on staff. The dynamics in the office were often hard for me to understand, but in the last months working there I saw the pastor's behavior as deceptive, grandiose, and highly manipulative."

The following comment was given to the question: How did you process the negative and positive feelings after you left?

"I spent months going over things, over and over and over, tyring to figure out how they went wrong, what we could have done differently, examining my own heart, tyring to see if I was blind to the things they accused me of. That basically led me to a search to understand how and why something like this could happen. I began reading a lot about systemic, governmental, and relational issues in church, especially things related to the use and misuse of authority by leadership. Being able to understand what was wrong about our situation helped me to accept and deal with it."

A few other comments shared by participants included things they learned from their experience:

"Through this painful experience, I have learned to be compassionate and understanding toward others."

"I have a sensitivity for strugglers and a radar for fakers. I guard against heresy, always checking Bible references that speakers just throw out there to back up their opinions. I question practices and teachings that set off my warning lights. I have a heightened sense of discernment. I am very aware of the potential for the abuse of power in any setting, even my own. I am more candid and honest. I am less of a people pleaser."

"Church shouldn't hurt."

"It has made me examine the whole idea of the institutional church, and what happens when you give pastors authority and control, over their staff, over entire ministries. Who is the Church? Isn't it us? It has also made me value support groups more. The belief of these pastors is that more Bible study is all we need. Well it isn't. We need to be in relationships where we can begin to experience relationship with others, where authenticity and honesty are valued, where grace can be experienced."

"I am better than ever! Although there are ups and downs, I finally feel that I am beginning to know God personally. Although I know I have only scratched the surface in this respect. I have a hunger to know him that is not driven by fear or obligation. I feel far more rooted in grace now, not performance. And I firmly believe that performance and perfection is not what He wants in me either, but only that I would know how totally I am loved."

You can find many more of these comments and other great information on spiritual abuse in Dr. Barb's book, which can be found on Amazon.com. Follow this link. www.churchexiters.com

The Ugly Truth

2010-09-28T10:20:00.003-05:00

This past weekend when another sex scandal about a prominent pastor came to light, the NPR website had some things to say that are worth repeating. The writer spoke of the devastation young people face when church leaders use their power to abuse and how we must stand up to these leaders.

"For many young people, the reality is that they are sacrificed on the altar built for pastors we have deified. We must dismantle the cult of the clergy and other leadership frameworks that place male leaders above reproach. We must stop regarding our cowardice as loyalty and take the risks to support our young when they are victimized.

How can we ensure them that if they disclose their abuse, they will be believed and their abusers will be confronted, regardless of their ranking? By challenging abusers who hold authority in our organizations, families and communities, we prioritize the safety and health of our young over peer approval and the comfort of "getting along."

One who cannot face aspects of himself that he despises will train that animus on another whom he regards as his opposite. Did he sell out countless individuals in order to throw congregants off the scent of his own hunt, the exploitation of young men? Was there a point when, at first, a few and then many knew what was happening and said nothing? How long will we enable the abuse perpetrated in word and deed by our pastors? When will we dare to speak the ugly, inconvenient truth even when we are afraid?"

Is Your Church Spiritually Abusive?

2010-06-11T21:58:00.005-05:00

I came across 3 good articles today. Here are the links:
Is Your Church Spiritually Abusive?
Escaping Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual Abuse

Newspaper Covers Spiritual Abuse

2009-12-13T20:52:00.007-06:00

Click here to read an article on spiritual abuse from a California newspaper. I hope that more newspapers, radio shows, and talk shows start covering this subject. I think there are so many more people out there who have been affected by spiritual abuse than could ever be imagined.

Click here to read an article about people taking action against a spiritually abusive pastor.

Great Post Link

2009-10-21T16:35:00.004-05:00

I read a great post on Provender's blog called, "Are You Covering For A Spiritually Abusive Pastor?" I could relate to all 20 signs. If you have been a part of a church like this or if you suspect you might be, this list is eye opening. Click here to read.

Attack Of The Super Apostles

2009-10-06T22:40:00.010-05:00

I came across a very informative article called, "Attack Of The Super Apostles." It describes in detail how these false ministers operate. (Click on title to read.)

Here is also a series of articles called, "The Super Apostles Series."

The Manipulator's Behavior Defined

2009-09-16T21:04:00.007-05:00

Manipulators are very good at controlling others. Their behaviors consist of flattering, threatening, making you feel guilty, and demeaning you. You may get confused over a period of time because they use different tactics to best fit what they want at the time. If you often feel stressed and resentful after spending time with this person, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator.

The manipulator's behavior defined:

Flattery. Manipulators will pour on the flattery when they think it will help them work their way into a person's life. Manipulators use flattery to pull in unsuspecting prospects. Every time you turn around they pour on the compliments, sometimes to the point of being ridiculous.

Threats. Threats can be subtle or they can be severe. Some threats may include refusing to allow family members to see the children, divorce, and even suicide. In many cases these are just empty threats because manipulators are bullies on the outside, but cowards on the inside. However, never take a threat lightly and always take the proper precautions to protect yourself.
Guilt. Manipulators will make you feel guilty if you try to call them on the carpet. They are never wrong in their eyes and in most situations you cannot win against a manipulator. They play the victim and place the blame on everyone but themselves. You will find yourself constantly apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong. The best thing you can do is not deal with a manipulator at all.

Demeaning. When things don't go their way they will try to tear you down. They will call you names, talk bad about you to others, and sometimes even physical abuse is involved. The manipulator will try to wear down your self esteem so that you will become dependent on him/her. Most manipulators have terrible self-esteem issues.

Tips on dealing with a controller or manipulator.....

*When you recognize that you have been controlled or manipulated, distance yourself from the manipulator and his/her agenda.

*You should know that you cannot change them. You can only change your reaction to their bizarre behavior. (Many times you don't even realize how bizarre their behavior really was until you are away from it for a while.)

*Have the self-respect to stand up for yourself and do not let the controller take away your independence any longer. Life was meant to be enjoyed with a person who respects you and allows you to be yourself.

*Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family. They have your best interest in mind. If everyone who cares about you is concerned about your relationship, trust them. You may be under such control that you just can't see it for what it is. Once you get away from the manipulator you will begin to see it for what it truly is.

*Know that people like this rarely change and probably the best thing for you to do is remove yourself from this type of relationship and not look back.

(If you found this post helpful, you may want to read Dealing With Manipulative People and Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?)

How To Live

2009-09-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

There are many people who lived under strong legalism for many years in our former church. There were so many rules it was hard to enjoy life, but that has all changed now for the better. The people who have left are thriving and we are very happy. The sad thing is, for all those years many good people were trying to live by every single rule only to find out the leaders were living a double life. There was nepotism, lies, money issues, mistreatment of members and staff, promises made that were never kept, and to top it off the youth pastor recently went to prison on federal sex charges.

Sometimes when people have been in an extremely controlling situation, they have to learn all over again how to live life and be themselves. This is true for church situations, job situations, bad marriages, and other types of relationships gone bad.

This is a great song that encourages you to enjoy your life and not let someone else control you and rob you of your freedom.....

The Controlling, Narcissist Leader/Pastor

2009-09-16T21:00:00.001-05:00

Ungodly, controlling pastors have hurt many people. The phrase "ungodly pastors" seems to be an oxymoron. These two words shouldn't go together in the same sentence, but the sad truth is there are pastors and leaders who are only in the position for their own lustful desires.

These dictating leaders can be described by many words - controllers, manipulators, narcissists, psychopaths, cult leaders, false pastors, and dictators, to name a few. There are varying degrees of this type of leadership and some are more damaging than others, but I have seen the negative effects these type of leaders can have on people. Some pastors are just strong leaders, while others are narcissitic psychopaths. If you haven't ever been around a person like this it may be hard for you to imagine that there are people who go to these extreme measures. But for those who have suffered under this type of heartless leadership, you know all too well how deep the wounds go.

Here are some signs and characteristics of a narcissist, unscriptural leader.....

*Resembles the same attitude Diotrephes had in III John verse 9. He is proud, carnal, demanding, overbearing, impatient, uncompassionate, "loving" only toward those who submit to him, but mean-spirited toward those who do not agree with him.

*He develops doctrines from pet verses that appear to support his view.

*He makes people feel that they cannot make important decisions and know God's will without him.

*He exalts himself before the people.

*He ridicules his associates, making them look small in the eyes of the church members, thus increasing his own prestige and authority and decreasing theirs.

*He treats men who leave as fools and evil men. All kindness and friendship is withdrawn by the leaders. People are only treated kindly when they submit to his doctrines and "authority."

*He contradicts himself a lot.

*He is accountable to no one.

*He provokes and intimidates people to get what he wants.

*He demands respect instead of trying to earn respect.

*He wears a phony grin and acts like everything is all right even when things are falling apart in his church.

*He acts as if he knows everything, but he really doesn't know how to handle problems he has caused.

*He is a captive storyteller and exaggerates the truth all the time. He is able to spin a web that intrigues others and pulls them into his life.

*He has the capacity to destroy his critics verbally and disarm them emotionally.

*He does not recognize the individuality or rights of others.

*He is extremely self-serving and thinks he deserves royal treatment.

*He has no checks on his behavior - anything goes.

*He has tremendous feelings of entitlement. He believes everything is owed to him as a right.

*He presents himself as a genius.

*He has an insatiable need for adoration. When others aren't praising him, he will praise himself.

*He gives the perception that he lives a grandiose life, but paranoia rules him. He creates an us vs. them mentality because of his perceived hostile environment.

*He lies coolly and easily, even when it is obvious he is being untruthful. It is almost impossible for him to be consistently truthful about either a major or minor issue.

*He is a plagiarist and a thief. He seldom gives credit to the true originators of ideas.

*He is extremely convincing and could more than likely pass a lie detector test.

*He does not have friends.

*He doesn't not have feelings of remorse, shame, or guilt. He feels justified in all his actions because he considers himself the ultimate moral arbiter. Nothing gets in his way.

*He is unmoved by things that would unset the normal person, while outraged by insignificant matters.

*He is cold, with shallow emotions, living in a dark world of his own.

*He can witness or order acts of utter brutality without experiencing a shred of emotion.

*He casts himself in a role of total control, which he plays to the hilt.

*He is tragically flawed in being able to either give or receive love.

*He despises community and emotional intimacy, and so he is profoundly lonely. On the one hand, though, there is something about his loneliness that he likes; for he can attribute it to his unique and superior nature.

*He constantly tests the beliefs of his followers, often with bizarre behaviors.

*He readily takes advantage of others, expressing utter contempt for anyone else's feelings. Someone in distress is not important to him. Although intelligent, perceptive, and quite good at sizing people up, he makes no real connections with others. He uses his "people skills" to exploit, abuse, and wield power.

*He will favor and offer help to people who are down as long as he thinks they will be useful to him later on down the road. Such favors might include offering employment, loaning money, or offering personal counseling. He may call in his favor if he sees you slipping away. Also, such opportunities help the narcissist persuade himself that he is good, despite the gnawing awareness of the dark cellar at heart.

*He has an inflated sense of superiority which propels him to recklessness; for he is subject to fantasies of omnipotence and unequalled brilliance, and he feels that he is above the law. And it is this sense of superiority that allows him to underestimate the intelligence and determination of his adversaries.

*He is indifferent to injustice and it's victims, but he rages against the person who is a threat to his charade and/or who refuses to cooperate with his underhanded schemes.

(I have taken a few of these statements from an article I have been reading, entitled Narcissism and the Dynamics of Evil. I decided just to add the link instead of continuing to add to my post. It's a very informative article.)

Symptoms Of An Abusive Group

2009-06-23T08:00:00.001-05:00

Are you still wondering if your church is showing symptoms of being an abusive group? Are you talking yourself out of leaving because your church may have virtues that seem to compensate for its possible abuses? You may not be able to see right now how being in a controlling, abusive system is affecting you, but it will damage the central core of who you are. And I can assure you it will affect your children at some point. To help you make a clear assessment, here is a review of the symptoms of an abusive religious group according to Jesus in Matthew 23:

1. Abusive leaders base their spiritual authority on their position or office rather than on their service to the group. Their style of leadership is authoritarian.

2. Leaders in abusive churches often say one thing but do another. Their words and deeds do not match.

3. They manipulate people by making them feel guilty for not measuring up spiritually. They lay heavy religious loads on people and make no effort to lift those loads. You know that you are in an abusive church if the loads just keep getting heavier.

4. Abusive leaders are preoccupied with looking good. They labor to keep up appearance. They stifle any criticism that puts them in a bad light.

5, They seek honorific titles and special privileges that elevate them above the group. They promote a class system with themselves at the top. They desire to be number one and they require everyone to refer to them as "Pastor" or "Dr."

6. Their communication is not straight. their speech becomes especially vague and confusing when they are defending themselves.

7. They major on minor issues to the neglect of the truly important ones. They are conscientious about religious details but neglect God's larger agendas.

I encourage you to read Matthew 23 in the New Living Translation. Jesus felt very strongly about religious leaders who abuse their power and use it over innocent people. He told us not to follow these "blind guides." He also pointed out in Matthew 23 that this "greatism" these leaders seek is false faith. Christianity is not about one man trying to build himself up and promote his own agenda. It is about reaching out and making a difference in many lives by sharing His love, grace, and mercy. Can you really go on giving your time, energy, and money to support something you know is destructive? Can you go on placing your family at risk by continually exposing them to the toxins of spiritual abuse? Sometimes the best thing we can do for abusive leaders is to leave them. Sometimes the most human act is to let an abusive church die. Stephen Arterburn says, "We must have the courage to follow Christ's example and overturn the system if the system is wrong. Silent submission in the face of violence, dishonesty, and abuse will only enable that abuse to be passed on to generations."

This information was found in Ken Blue's book, "Healing Spiritual Abuse."

The Positive Side

2009-04-19T16:09:00.005-05:00

The words in Romans 8:28 ring true to me today…..

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.”

God looks out for us, even when we have gone places He did not lead us. He helps us learn from our mistakes and turns bad situations around for our good. That's what He has done for many people who have left controlling, abusive situations. Even though we haved walked through some very difficult moments, we can now look at the positive side.

Here are some strengths I have noticed that develop in people when they leave controlling churches:

*Greater compassion and empathy towards others

*Analytical thinking (You think deeply about core concerns. From this point forward you will exercise keen judgment and discernment so you will never find yourself in the same situation again.)

*Greater level of honesty and trustworthiness (You are so disgusted at the lies, fraud, dishonesty, and even criminality that went on, it makes you resolve yourself to live in a higher degree of honor and trustworthiness. You don’t want to be anything like your former leaders.)

*Social/community activism (You are so tired of looking inward and catering to the needs of selfish leaders, you become extremely enthusiastic about reaching out and serving others.)

*Fearlessness (You have given into a bully for so long, it’s time to stand up for yourself and take a new direction. You decide no one is going to control you or stand in your way! You also decide to step out and go after your dreams.)

*Courage

*Gratitude (You are so glad to be free from the control, manipulation, and harsh judgment you were under, you become more thankful even for the little things in life.)

*Inquisitiveness and curiosity (You realize it’s okay to question anything!)

*Sense of direction and purpose

*Flexibility

*Openness

*Ability to show emotion

*Ability to be yourself

*Ability to find meaning in adversity

*Ability to cope with difficulties (After all that you experienced and dealt with in a controlling church, handling the normal strains of everyday life seem like nothing. If you have survived a controlling, abusive situation, you can survive just about anything!)

It's Been A Year!

2009-04-16T00:02:00.012-05:00

This Sunday marks the one year anniversary of when I left my former church! I feel like having a party to celebrate! I cannot find the words to describe how happy I am to be free from the control I was under. If you have followed my blog at all you know how difficult it has been for me at times, but God's grace has brought me through. I am truly thankful for the important lessons I have learned over the past year.

I have learned to follow my heart and take heed to red flags when they pop up. When there are questions, they are there for a reason. I will never let another man control me or try to take the place of Jesus in my life. I will stand up for what I believe in and I will not keep silent when things are wrong. I have learned that being a Christian is not about following a set of rules and regulations, but it's about having a relationship with God and knowing His love. I have learned that true joy comes from serving others. I have found that there are many wonderful, normal people who love and accept others for who they are. They are true examples of Jesus. I have learned that what really matters in life is loving God and loving people.

I still have some questions, but I know in time all of my questions will be answered. As I look at how far I've come, I am excited about the things I will learn over this next year. There will always be those who are just beginning their journey out of the control, so I hope I can use the experiences I have walked through to help others find their freedom.

I invite you to comment and share an important lesson you have learned. I would love to hear from you!

The Controlling Leader

2009-04-15T23:45:00.000-05:00

Here is a list of characteristics of a controlling leader:

*Preoccupied with his own needs being met, while the needs of his subordinates are ignored

*Preoccupied with looking good, labors to keep up appearances

*Seeks honorific titles and special privileges that elevates him above the group

*Promotes a class system with himself at the top

*Demands loyalty and honor

*Speaks often of his authority, constantly reminding everyone that he is in charge

*Stifles any criticism that puts him in a bad light

*Majors on minor issues and neglects the truly important ones

*Speech is vague and confusing when he is defending himself

*Feels the need to embellish the truth and make things appear more or less grand than they really are

*Speaks out boldly on wrong behavior, even when involved in that same behavior

*Believes people are extremely bad or wonderful, depending on the amount of support offered to him

*Motivated by greed

*Impressed with material goods and those who have them

*Fears sexual inadequacy

*Feels he is owed something

*Lives in a false world where he is convinced he is right

*Surrounds himself with people who are insecure and easily swayed

*Manipulates others using guilt, shame, and remorse

*Tries to come across confident in an attempt to cover up his insecurity

*Blames others for his own failures

*Is not involved in any accountable relationships and has no intimate relationships

*When in a bind he will ask for forgiveness and appear sincere in doing so

*Fears not measuring up or losing his image

*Needs professional help

The Controlling, Abusive Pastor

2009-04-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

In the book of Jeremiah, God spoke against those who operated in their own authority while abusing the very people they were supposed to bless.

"An astonishing and horrible thing has been committed in the land: the prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule by their own power; and My people love to have it so. But what will you do in the end?" (Jeremiah 5:30-31)

Leaders were using their influence to convince people that their power was divine. Yet in reality, these false prophets and priests were merely wielding their self-imposed influence for personal gain, claiming they were speaking for God. The people bought the lies and believed all the promises that were made. This happened in the Old Testament and it's happening today. Don't let it happen to you!

Here is a list of some common characteristics of a controlling, abusive pastor.....

*Preoccupied with his own needs being met, while the needs of the people are ignored.

*Focuses on his own never-ending quest for personal fulfillment and happiness, while the real needs of the people are lost or forgotten.

*Expects the people to obey his every command without question.

*Preaches on his spiritual authority every week, constantly reminding everyone that he is in charge.

*Tries to take the place of Jesus in people's lives.

*Tells people they cannot leave the church with God's blessing unless he approves the decision.

*Uses scripture in order to gain biblical grounds to control people's lives.

*Instills a sense of obligation by reminding the people of everything he has done for them.

*Demands loyalty and honor from the people.

*Demands performance from people, not accepting them for who they are.

*Thinks the people in his congregation belong to him.

*Manipulates people into giving their money.

*Has an elitist attitude and says that no one else is preaching the gospel as good as he is.

*Overly concerned with appearances

*Has no respect for other churches or denominations.

*Is insecure, jealous, and cowardice

*Uses fear and intimidation to keep people from leaving his organization or church.

*This information is from the book "Toxic Faith," by Stephen Arterburn & Jack Felton.

A Crying Shame: Charlatans In The House

2009-04-14T16:46:00.005-05:00

I came across a great article called, "A Crying Shame: Charlatans In The House," by J. Lee Brady. Don't fall for these foolish gimmiks!

"Churches and ministries are employing bizarre gimmicks to raise money. What has happened to our discernment?

You've probably heard it on Christian television before. An evangelist opens his Bible, reads a Scripture and then suggests that you send an odd amount of money to keep your favorite program on the air for another month. He begs. He pleads. He cries. And then he tells you that if you hurry and give right now, "while God is stirring the waters," the Holy Spirit will reward you in an extra-special way.

I've heard different amounts suggested-such as $64.11, or $72.14, or $53.24, to correlate with some obscure Old Testament Scripture reference. The implication is that if you write a check for this magical amount, God will release some kind of special blessing on you, such as the salvation of loved ones or the quick sale of a house.

To the untrained ear this may sound like a formula for blessing. Actually it is more akin to superstition-or worse, witchcraft. It's not even remotely biblical, but those of us in the charismatic movement are so used to tolerating such shenanigans that we think this is standard procedure for fundraising.

Some ministers who raise money for Christian television stations have succumbed to the infamous "debt reduction" tactic. It goes like this: "God says that if you will give a $1,000 sacrificial offering right now (God always seems to be in crisis mode in these situations), you will supernaturally get out of debt! The miracle anointing is here! You can release it by writing that check! And we take credit cards, too!"

Talk about voodoo economics. This kind of manipulation is actually against the law in Canada. The U.S. government allows American evangelists to get away with it, but that doesn't mean it's right. It is a spiritualized form of arm-twisting. And believe it or not, it is getting more blatant and bizarre.

A widely traveled minister recently gave a message about what he called "the Boaz anointing" at a prominent church in Florida. He then invited anyone who wanted this "new" blessing to come to the altar, where gullible souls were encouraged to deposit a check for $1,500 in the basket. Apparently the Boaz anointing can be yours if you can afford this hefty price.

At another church in my city of Orlando, a self-proclaimed prophet said that he would have a personal word of blessing to pronounce over any person who could give $1,000 in the offering. That's right- he was selling personal prophecies.Those who actually gave the amount (yes, some people actually fell for this charlatan) stood up to receive "words." I want to rip my shirt in half and throw dust on my head.

Why should we be surprised that the church in America is making such a weak impact on society when we are allowing greedy impostors to pollute our pulpits? They are no different than the sons of Eli, who took the people's offerings "by force" so that they could spend it on their own selfish wants (see 1 Sam.2:12-16). They have fallen into the error of the sorcerer Simon, who offered to buy the power of the Holy Spirit so that he could impress people (see Acts 8:18-20).

And what happens to the people who buy into this craziness? I've heard some suggest that "God will bless anyone who gives," even if they give to a crook. That's hogwash. Those who use manipulation, strong-arm tactics or Scripture-twisting to get money, or who sell the anointing of God so they can buy clothes and houses are not going to release any form of blessing.

Such dark forces actually follow ministries that have given themselves over to this spirit of financial manipulation. The Bible actually says that charlatans - those who follow the "error of Balaam"- will face a harsh judgment. (Jude 11,13).

What can you do about this? You don't have to stop giving. God loves a cheerful giver, but He does not want us to give under compulsion. Nor does He want us to reward the modern sons of Eli. Speak out. Confront those who misuse the Bible to dig for money. Change the channel. Get up and walk out. Give to ministries that focus on meeting real needs and maintain ethical accounting standards. This financial foolishness will end when all of us take a stand."

Shame-Based Systems

2009-03-27T17:30:00.003-05:00

If you have ever been involved in a controlling, abusive church, this post will make a lot of sense and hopefully bring some understanding to you. The information I am using can be found in the book, "Tired Of Trying To Measure Up," by Jeff Van Vonderen.

What is a "shame-based system?" A shame-based system can be a church or Christian group in which the authority figure demands a certain level of performance, whether spoken or implied. If you don't live up to the standard of the system, messages that are either subtle or overt will tell you that you are not good enough - you simply don't measure up. But that's not even the saddest part.

Worst of all, a sense of shame can keep you at a distance from God. It keeps you from praying because, "Why would God want to do something from me?" In abusive churches, the disconnected, controlling leaders, who are supposed to represent God, have given people a distorted view of who God is. People who have been in situations like this might think, "Why would God answer my prayers? I don't come close to living up to His standards. He probably doesn't even want to be around me."

People who are involved or have been involved in these types of situations encounter struggles over a period of time.

Here are a few:

*Difficulty trusting people
*Low self-esteem
*Highly performance-conscious
*Don't know yourself very well
*Feel Wounded
*Feel tired
*Can't tell what is normal until away from situation

The following is a list of characteristics that best describe the relationship systems, past and/or present, under which tired, wounded people labor:

1. Out-loud shaming

Comparing one person to another causes shame. Name-calling causes shame. Phrases like, "What an idiot you are!" and "What's wrong with you?" will shame a person. This type of shaming is hard to overcome.

2. Shame-based systems are performance-oriented

We all need an environment where we feel our needs are met because of who we are, not because of what we do. In this system, value and acceptance are earned on the basis of performance. We become ingrained with a need to measure up. We are taught that acceptability comes from religious performance, rather than being taught to rely on our identity as a child of God.

3. Unspoken rules govern shame-based systems

The rule that reigns supreme in this type of system is the "can't talk" rule. The truth of the matter in a church system is that some pastors are afraid of what the existence of a problem says about them as leaders. If there is a problem or question, then the person raising the question is the problem for raising a challenge.

Here is a list of other examples of unspoken rules that govern shame-based systems:

*"What's real doesn't matter; how things look is what really matters."
*"What other people think is more important."
*"Adults are more important than children."
*"People who feel sad are oversensitive."
*"Something is wrong with people who feel at all."
*"Feelings don't matter."
*"We don't have any problems."
*"Questioning is disrespectful."
*"Women are here to do what men want."
*"When women are upset, they're just being oversensitive."
*"It's not okay to have needs - needs are selfish."

Left in the dark, these rules have an incredible amount of power and anyone who brings them to light will be shamed.

4. People in shame-based systems "code" when they talk

In this system when someone asks you "to do them a favor," you know you don't have the option to say no. It wasn't really a favor, but it was a command. It swiftly becomes clear that needs, honest feelings, questions and opinions that differ are not okay. Saying things straight will get you labeled as the problem, so you have to learn how to speak in code to get what you need. You learn to carry an invisible code book in your head that helps you say things with the least amount of waves possible.

5. Shame-based systems have a hard time with kids

Needs, feelings, opinions, and certain behaviors all have the potential to bring on a sense of shame - especially to kids. Everything must be perfect. You must walk on egg shells and take everything seriously. Tow the line, mind your p's and q's, and act your age. Watch what you say and don't make too much noise. It's not okay for kids to be kids in shame-based churches. They must be miniature adults. It's not a healthy environment for children because they don't find out what's real.

6. Shame-based systems are preoccupied with fault and blame

These systems burn a lot of energy in self-defense, and in asking "Who's responsible?" This question is not asked for the purpose of helping the guilty party face the consequences, but it is raised so they can know whom should be shamed and made to feel bad.

7. Shame-based systems are strong on "head skills"

People in shame-based relationships live in a defensive mode. Shame hurts. It cuts to the heart. Therefore, people must become experts at "self-defense" techniques. These include: denying the existence of problems or rationalizing them away and blaming others. In this system, people are constantly interrogated. But the questions have no answers. "I just can't understand why you did that! Is your head on backwards?" "Why did you do that?" The only safe answer is "I don't know." Any other answer would be analyzed and made to look foolish.

8. Shame-based systems are weak on "heart skills"

Experiencing or expressing certain emotions such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, or humiliation is viewed as an indication of weakness or defectiveness. In these systems people believe that feelings should go away. Consequently, they get stuck carrying a lot of heavy emotions and are never able to resolve them.

9. People in a shame-based system only look as if their needs are met

People come away from these systems with a sense that they are:

*Not loved and accepted
*Only loved and accepted if, when, or because they perform
*Not capable, valuable, or worthwhile
*Alone, not really belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone

10. The shame-based church is a system that is upside-down

This relationship system isn't there to pour strength and fullness into its members. Instead, it draws from its members in order to perpetuate itself. Since love and acceptance are something to be earned, members have learned to be good performers. The result is people who are empty and disconnected on the inside with the appearance of fullness on the outside.

People in these shame-based systems spend their lives wondering when they are going to start living and being happy. But life is here to be had and enjoyed freely. Make the choice not to listen to these "killing" voices anymore and choose life!

I Wonder What Jesus Thinks

2009-03-27T16:00:00.000-05:00

I read this verse the other day and it hit me in a way I had never seen it before.

"When they arrived back in Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple and began to drive out the people buying and selling. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the chairs of those selling doves, and he stopped everyone from using the Temple as a marketplace. He said to them, "The Scriptures declare, 'My Temple will be called a house of prayer for all nations,' but you have turned it into a den of thieves." (Mark 15:11-17)

I want to briefly share some of the thoughts that came to me....

I wonder what Jesus thinks about the way certain churches handle money. Have some used the church as a way to make money off of honest, God-fearing people? I mean after all, why would a church charge $7 for a CD of the message when it only cost about .40 to make? I know of churches that make all of the messages available free of charge.

Has Jesus gotten upset because honest people have been taken advantage of? I remember a meeting that took place a couple of years back at a very nice venue in town. A special guest was in town and he was going to speak during a luncheon. The true cost of the ticket was less than $20, but the leaders of the church charged $40 for each ticket. The high cost of the ticket made it impossible for some members to attend, but that did not deter the leader's decision to make money off of the tickets.

Is it right to charge more for a church event than it really costs? I don't believe there's anything wrong with covering the cost of an event or even covering unforeseen charges, but it seems to me that the intention of making money off of the church members crosses the line. I think the church should be a place that will try to make a way to include everyone who desires to be a part. The attitude that came across to me was, "If you don't have the faith to believe for the money, then we don't want you to come."

I know God wants churches to prosper so they can get the Gospel out and reach the world, but it should be achieved by honest means. I think people should at least know where their money is going when they give it and I believe people should be treated honestly and fairly at all times.

People should not be conned or coerced into giving - hence the 20 minute prelude before every offering. Do people really have to be pounded week after week, year after year with a mini sermon on tithing? I think the leaders should consider a different approach because if people haven't gotten the message in the 10 to 20 years of hearing it, maybe they aren't going to. I love the approach they take at my new church - let people follow their own heart and give cheerfully when God leads them to.

The main emphasis of a church should never be on money, but it should be on what really matters - having a relationship with God and helping people. Why isn't this the main focus of some churches? I think the answer is clear....To some, money is more important than people. That's not the way it is with Jesus and that may be one reason why He got so upset that day in the temple.

Just curious.....Do you think there is anything to these thoughts and questions I have had or have I misread this?

The Narcissist Leader - Do You Know One?

2009-03-27T14:00:00.000-05:00

The DSM-IV, a psychological diagnostic source, recently came out with a list of the criteria for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). A person displaying a pattern of at least five of the following signs indicates that there is a strong possibility that he/she is a narcissist.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he/she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations that others will treat him/her with favor or will automatically comply with his/her expectations.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends.

7. Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behavior or attitude.

10. Will often have temper tantrums, unreasonable expectations, shocking selfishness, and a complete inability to engage in teamwork.

Dealing With Manipulative People

2009-03-27T13:30:00.008-05:00

If you think you may be dealing with a manipulative person, ask yourself these questions....

*Have your friends or family members remarked on how you don't seem like yourself since you entered this relationship? Are they looking at you sideways?

*Have your family relationships become filled with tension at the mention of the manipulator's name?

*Are the people who care about you the most getting worried about you?

*Have you severed ties to the familiar stability of the world you have known and placed the manipulator at the center of your universe?

*Are you losing your individuality and strength?

*Do you find yourself doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do?

*Have the goals and dreams that previously defined you all of a sudden been pushed to the back burner?

*Does the manipulator try to isolate you from your friends and family members?

*Are your attitudes changing to more closely mirror the manipulator's rather than who you really are?

*Do you willfully close your eyes to behavior that you know is wrong?

*Do you excuse the manipulator's behavior? Are you constantly defending him/her?

*Does it seem that it's always "all about him/her?"

*Does the manipulator know how to pull your strings? Do you find yourself doing things you really wish you hadn't?

*Does the manipulator try to take over your financial decisions?

*Do you find that you are being controlled or manipulated through half-truths or omissions? Are you slowly finding out that you have been lied to repeatedly?

*Does the manipulator in your life play the victim and blame others for his/her problems?

*Is there just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship?

*Are the manipulator's apologies shallow?

Here is some information that you should know if you are dealing with a manipulative person....

*Being in a relationship with a manipulative person is a destructive cycle.

*People in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend.

*Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family. They have your best interests in mind. When you cut off your support system, it only helps the manipulator gain dominance over you.

*Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by manipulators. It will only hurt you more in the end.

*Manipulative people are often very insecure. The root of their selfish control is their own damaged self esteem.

*Don't try to point out the above warning signs to the manipulator. This type of person won't recognize it and you will only be wasting your time.

*This control doesn't happen overnight, but it happens subtly over a period of time. Manipulators will invest months or even years in "training" you to accept and carry out their will.

*Severely controlling and manipulative people often have clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person. As much as you may care for them, the best help you can give them is to refuse to be their victim and direct them to professional help - although most of the time they won't admit they need help.

*Manipulators are legends in their own mind, but the truth eventually comes to light.

(If you found this post helpful, you may also want to read The Manipulators Behavior Defined and Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?)

Characteristics Of Pathological Liars

2009-03-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

I came across this list the other day and thought it was very enlightening. I think we all deal with people like this at some point in our life, although I hope you don't have to very often. Many times controlling, manipulative people have these same characteristics, because they are good at lying.

Here is a list of common characteristics of pathological liars.....

*Contradict what they say.

*Lie about even the smallest things.

*Add exaggerations to every sentence.

*Change their story all the time.

*Act very defensively when you question their statements.

*Believe what they say is true, when everyone else knows it isn't.

*Lie when it is very easy to tell the truth.

*Lie to get sympathy, to look better, to save their hide, etc.

*Fool people at first but once they get to know them, no one believes anything they ever say.

*Are extremely manipulative.

*Have been caught in lies repeatedly.

*Will never fess up to the lies.

*Are a legend in their own mind.

*May have a personality disorder.

A Link To A Special Letter

2009-03-08T09:14:00.008-05:00

As I was reading Aida's blog, "Forgetting The Former Things," I came across a link to a letter written by a lady describing her experience of coming out of a controlling church. I am adding a link to this letter because I think it will help others who are recovering from spiritual abuse. Click here to read the letter and comments.

There's No Right Way (In Their Eyes)

2008-12-29T09:12:00.006-06:00

If you are thinking about leaving a controlling church, save yourself the trouble of trying to do it the "right" way.

Here is a portion of a comment that a friend named Charley left on my last post......

"After dedicating approx. 2.5 years of my faithfulness, talents, abilities, loyalty, tithes and offerings to a church. I came to realize that "The Apostle" in charge of the place is a victim of "Al-Capone-Pastor-Syndrome" times 10. Of course I have fled from the presence of the "The Apostle's" face. He has prophesied to me that I am under a curse of a 7-year barren wilderness and tells others that I have broken covenant. Now I sit back in dismay and amazement taking solace in blogs such as this one."

I love Charley's touch of humor, but I too stand in amazement that a pastor would treat someone like this and think he can pronounce 7-year curses on people. First of all, it's ridiculous and second it's just plain mean! I have come to realize that no matter how much you have given or how much you try to do things right, there is no right way to leave a church in the eyes of a controlling leader. You can try to walk in love and leave the "right" way, but go ahead and give up trying. Brace yourself because it will be hard, you will be talked about, and it will hurt. I wish someone would have impressed this upon us ahead of time, but I just thought it would go differently because we tried to do the right thing. So I'm telling you now - you can never do it right in their eyes.

We struggled with the "when and how to" of leaving for weeks. My husband and I knew we were leaving, but we tried to introduce the idea slowly to our children because this church was all they had ever known. They were born and raised there. The week before we left, we were getting ready to go to church and everyone was already in the car. I was walking toward the door and I felt as if my feet were embedded in cement. I was standing in my dining room and my husband came to find me. I said, "I just can't do it! I can't go!" The thought of walking in those church doors was more than I wanted to bare that day, but I mustered up the strength and did it because of my children. (A side note - after they learned the whole truth they were ready to leave too.) It was tough sitting through that service and my daughter elbowed me in the arm several times because my sighs were a bit too loud.

The next Saturday, after much agony and much pacing, we made the decision to make the call. Over the years we were taught that if you are going to leave a church, the right thing to do is go to the pastor and tell him. (Most of the time that's so he can talk you out of it or tell you how wrong you are.) My husband made the call, and much to our surprise, he didn't have much to say. Could it be that it was going to be easier than we thought? No!

We began to hear a couple of days later that we were being called "evil" (among other things) because we had called the pastor on Saturday - "the day before he had to preach." (If you are planning on leaving, just let me tell you from personal experience - that's not right in their eyes.) BUT what if we had called on Monday, or how about Tuesday? That would have been the day before he had to preach also. If we had called on Friday, it would have been 2 days before he had to preach. What was the right day to call? Is there a right answer? It doesn't matter what day we would have called - it wouldn't have been right in their eyes. Looking back, my husband said he would not have called at all. But then we would have been evil and bad for not calling and "leaving the proper way."

We saw people who had given so much of themselves for years and it was basically spat on when they left, so why would I think leaving the right way would have been accepted and respected. Controlling people are only concerned about what is best for them and even though they say they care about you, when you leave you will find out they really don't. I thought we owed the leaders something, but we didn't. And you don't owe them anything either. No matter how many ways you try to leave a controlling church, it's going to take some time to get over how you will be treated. Even when you get to new place you will still be reminded of the things you left, but it gets better with each passing day and the freedom is better than words can describe.

I know this is not a cheery New Year's message, but I wanted to tell you these things hoping it would save you some disappointment or pain. I know there are people out there thinking of leaving a controlling church, and if you decide to take that step it will be one of the best decisions you have ever made. Don't let the control they have continue on. Start off the new year walking in the freedom, joy, and peace that Jesus so graciously provided for you!

Charley, keep reading, keep writing things out, and keep the humor flowing!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T20:45:00.000-06:00

Where Are You Now?

2008-12-13T19:23:00.008-06:00

To those of you who have left a controlling church or been in a spiritually abusive situation, I want to ask a question of you.....

Where are you on a scale from 1 to 10 - with 1 being struggling daily and 10 being totally past it? How long ago did you leave and where are you now in the process? Please try to describe in detail.

I would greatly appreciate your input!

The Value of People

2008-12-11T08:29:00.011-06:00

I came across a great article on the Internet at Studentlinc.net called "103 Ways To Add Value To People." There are some very simple ideas here that will show people that you value them. I am only going to list a few, but if you have the time visit their website.

1. Remember people's names. Nothing makes a person feel valued more than knowing they made enough of an impression on you for you to remember their name!

2. Remember people's birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions. Send them a note on those dates to let them know you are sharing in their celebration. It doesn't matter if a person is 4 or 40, everyone likes to be acknowledged for being born. A card or a surprise phone call on their special day will surely make them feel valued!

3. Offer the unexpected, anonymous gift. Bring coffee to your co-workers. Arrive to work early and leave a small gift on someone's office chair. Leave a gift card on someone's windshield. Balloons are also a joyful and visual way to celebrate someone you value.

4. Smile at people. Smile when you talk to them. Smile when you walk by them. Smiles are contagious and free! You can give a smile and possibly make someone's whole day brighter! Your day goes the way of the corners of your mouth!

5. Imagine a "Make Me Feel Important" sign is hanging around the neck of each person that you meet. Instead of walking around thinking that you have learned it all, and know it all; try going out into the world seeking what others have learned as well. Treat others as if they can teach you something!

6. When someone asks for your help or assistance with something, always do a little bit extra. It is the extra that turns the ordinary into extraordinary. This is called "going the extra mile." Zig Ziglar said, "There isn't much traffic on the second mile, not many travel there." It shows people how much you value them when you make the extra effort for them.

7. Spend time with people. Often we communicate a person's value to us simply because we like hanging out with them, even if there's no agenda. Time is a precious commodity and a valuable resource. Spend this resource effectively on others.

8. Strive to be the first to help a person whom you know in need. Have you ever reached to the top shelf for an elderly lady at the grocery store and graciously smiled when she thanked you? If yes, you most certainly made her feel valued! Keep your eyes and heart open for ways to be helpful in your family and your community.

9. Connect people to other people who may be a resource to them. You may know someone who could benefit from meeting and spending time with this person. Take the time to introduce them. Schedule a lunch with yourself and two people that could benefit from each other's friendship. Sometimes people only need someone else to vouch for them and offer a recommendation in order for a relationship to form.

10. Share your knowledge with others. Don't keep your best ideas and strategies all to yourself. People used to assume that knowledge was power. If I knew more than you, then I had some type of power over you. But I don't want to have power over you, I want to add value to you. So I share my best stuff. I give it away. When I discover something (a new tool, a new strategy, a new idea), I pass it on. If you pass it on to others and it's good stuff, you'll discover a whole new kind of power - the power of appreciation.

These are just 10 of the many ways we can add value to people. All people are priceless and we should never be too busy to show love and respect to those around us. Too many people have gone for years, especially in controlling churches, feeling unappreciated and unloved, but it's time for that to change! How we treat people is what really matters in life. I want to share a story with you...

A couple of Christmases ago, me and my family went out for breakfast on Christmas Eve. We began to talk about wanting to give to a family we knew who may not have very much for Christmas. We were all thinking the same thing, but then I said it. "Let's go right now and buy them some Christmas presents!" We went and picked out things for each member of the family. My husband knew the man liked Starbucks coffee, so he bought him some coffee. We bought toys and candy for the children. The looks on my children's faces said it all - this was so much fun for them. We went home and wrapped everything and then we called this family and asked if we could stop by. They didn't have family that lived here because they were from another country, so they were so excited that we were coming. We didn't tell them we had gifts, but when they opened the door their eyes lit up with excitement. They cried with tears of joy and greatfulness. They couldn't quit thanking us. I watched my children and their children as they opened the gifts and the smiles wouldn't stop.

My husband made the suggestion to make some of the coffee he had brought, but the man told him they didn't have a coffee maker. My husband said, "Let's go get one!" So they hopped in the car and went and bought a coffee maker. The man was so excited to be able to make coffee in his apartment. When it came time to pour it up, they didn't have coffee mugs, so we used tea glasses. We stayed for a while, talking, drinking coffee from glasses, and making new friends. It was a wonderful day. We left there that afternoon and my children couldn't quit talking about how this was the best Christmas they had ever had. Making someone else feel valued and loved brought great joy into our Christmas. The next day that family called and wanted to stop by. The little girl had gone through her room and collected a bag full of her special things and she wanted to give them to us. She hugged us and thanked us for making her Christmas special. It was precious. We will never forget that Christmas and it was a great lesson of never taking anything we have for granted. We forget that others may not have things in life - like a coffee cup. And how simple is that - we can stop during our busy day and give something that small to someone and it will mean so much to them.

It truly makes our lives so much more enriched when we value and reach out in love to someone else. God's heartbeat is loving people and when we make it ours too and see the value in people, we will have joy in our lives. My children and I can truly say that the Christmas Eve we visited that family was one of the happiest days of our lives.

Many Voices

2008-12-03T09:19:00.009-06:00

I was reading an online book by Ronald Enroth and I found some great information that I wanted to use on my blog. I emailed Dr. Enroth to ask him for permission to quote parts of his book. I waited several days for his response and it finally came. He apologized for the delay and explained that it was because his home was right in the middle of the California fires. His home was spared, but he had to evacuate for a period of time. Even in the midst of all he was going through, he still took the time to graciously answer my email and then he offered to send me some articles that aren't available on the Internet. Wow! There are some really nice people in the world who care about helping others. I've been reading the articles he sent and there is some very helpful information in them, which I will be sharing in the future.

I have talked to 3 people in the last 2 days who are still in a controlling church. They have so many questions and yet they still cannot seem to make the decision to leave. The control these types of churches has over people's minds is strong and it is not easily seen, but once it is seen it is so clear. My hope is that a ray of light will break through and cause many dear Christian people to find the freedom that Jesus provided for them - that's why I earnestly continue to search for more information to share.

In one of the articles Dr. Enroth sent, he gives quotes from many different people who have left controlling, abusive churches and I found them to be very similar to the things I've heard from many of my own friends and family members. Can you relate to any of these many voices?

"Subtly at first, there began to be a feeling of superiority and exclusiveness among the people," says a former elder in a West Coast church, "a feeling that this church was unique and that, while we loved other brothers in Christ, to leave the church would always be a step down spiritually."

"Little by little this man became the standard by which we all sought to live," says on ex-member of a Midwestern church. "The wisdom that poured forth from his lips left us in awe."

"I believed they were telling me what God's will was for my life," another says.

"In such a climate," says one former member, "the individual becomes overly dependent upon another human - the overseer or shepherd - to the point where the individual does not question, but instead relies on an unthinking and unquestioning obedience to directives and policies."

"It was clear, without a doubt, who the leader was - who was giving the direction, the counsel, the teaching," one member says. "His position of authority was secured from the very beginning, and there was never a moment when it was relinquished. There was an implicit understanding that he was 'The Lord's Servant,' the person to whom everyone was subject and to whom we were loyal. We regarded him like the apostle Paul."

"Much of what we did was a direct result of what he said we could do or not do," another former member says of this same leader. "We were adults, yet we were still treated very much like children. He would verbally intimidate you, verbally abuse you."

"We were told that it is more important to obey leaders than to question what they are doing," one man says. "It was unthinkable to question the motives of the pastor."

"Those who questioned the leaders are accused of having a rebellious spirit," says one young man. "My sin, which led to my expulsion, was that I asked too many questions. I have been in services where the pastor would pray against the blight of independent thinking."

"We had cut ourselves off from all Christians except those in our small exclusive group," one man says. "We believed ourselves to be the only church we knew anywhere that sought to be faithful. We saw ourselves blessed of God in that He was revealing deeper truths to us and that we were called upon to stand for the truth."

"Although we didn't come right out and say it, in our innermost hearts we really felt that there was no place in the world like our assembly," says a former adherent of another group. "We thought the rest of Christianity was out to lunch."

"Many times I was encouraged to sacrifice my vacation time at home in order to participate in the group's activities," a college student says.

"Friends of long standing will ignore you," says one ex-member. "They will turn their faces away. The will walk on the other side of the street. They will hang up the phone or not answer the door."

"I felt an unbearable separation from God," one woman says. "I felt like I was divorced from someone I was deeply in love with. My whole life was over. It's not possible to express what horrible turmoil I continuously experienced. I had extreme guilt for leaving my spiritual family and betraying those I loved."

"We were confused, afraid, and in many ways not able to cope in the world as we had known it," one father comments. "Our daughter asked, 'Where else can we go? No other church teaches the truth."

"Independent thinking was discouraged while at the same time, a blind faith was encouraged," says Richard. "The pastor would drill into our minds how, like sheep, we were stupid and needed our shepherd and the safety of the sheepfold, which was our church. We were encouraged to quote the Bible and the words of our pastor, but not to come up with our own ideas or our own interpretations of Scripture."

"I lived under a false guilt that kept me in spiritual bondage for a long time," says one man. "The standards that the pastor imposed on us in order to be faithful Christians were impossible to attain."

Debbie was in a church that was based on conditional love. God is seen as a critical parent, waiting to say, "It's not good enough. Try harder. You could do better." These types of churches cause people to turn to faith in self rather than faith in God. They depend on their performance, not God's wondrous love. Debbie says, "Everybody strived to be a 'worker,' because being a worker meant that you measured up, that you had respect from the pastor. Such a valued person attends all the meetings and is always available to do whatever needs to be done. You find yourself constantly trying to be that sort of person, but never quite measuring up."

Debbie also said, "I spent an entire year talking about my experiences and feelings with another former member. It was a necessary part of my recovery even though there were times we felt guilty and thought, 'We really shouldn't be talking like this.' I went through a stage of being very angry because 14 years of my life were lost. And there are times when I still think that my time there was largely wasted, even though I've tried to come to terms with those years and recognize that there were some good aspects too."

"As a member of a controlling church," Jason reports, "I could not express what I really thought without being labeled and manipulated through that label. A member takes a big risk in expressing true feelings. Especially when it comes to disagreeing with authority."

Jason also said, "I was afraid to leave because I thought I would be leaving God's will. The leaders became God's voice for me. I experienced a form of spiritual intimidation when I suggested leaving."

"Good members prove they are 'good' by not leaving at all - unless they are told," says Phillip. "There is a heavy atmosphere, a more or less constant undercurrent of anxiety over who is really loyal, who is 'in' and who is 'out.' It sounds so right; but in time, it feels so bad."

As one former member tells it, "You have to learn to trust again and learn to establish relationships all over again. Recovery from spiritual abuse is similar to other kinds of victim recovery in that deep healing occurs within and through relationships with others. People who have been deeply hurt tend to be loners, gun-shy, and committed to self-protection."

Many ex-members say they were taught they would be "out from under the covering" if they ever left the group. Some were even threatened with spiritual destruction. One pastor sent this letter of spiritual intimidation to people who were considering leaving his flock: "As your pastor, I warn you that you are headed for the bottom of the sea. When you take yourself out of this move of God, you are going downhill spiritually. Demons are going to have access to you. You are going to lose eternal rewards. You cannot just walk into any church and think you are safe. God won't honor that. He called you here and I am your pastor, no one else. You must follow me or you will answer to God."

I could continue to add quotes and I could add several of my own, but I think these that I have shared cover most of what people experience in these types of churches. Dr. Enroth says, "One would not ordinarily expect to find conditions so conducive to high levels of stress in a church context. Church is where we go to find comfort, restorative grace, compassionate understanding, and spiritual guidance. Yet, for some Christians, their church experiences have been marked by a misuse of position and power by pastors who turn out to be more tyrants than shepherds." It's very sad that many find themselves in a state of confusion, trying to figure out where to go from here. If you have read these quotes and see yourself in the words spoken, there is hope! There are churches that care and that will help lead you back to a healthy spiritual place. Don't be afraid to try again, just use your experiences to know what to look for in the future. Here is a list that Dr. Enroth gives of responsibilities that care-giving churches should offer.....

*Small groups that become caring communities

*Support ministries, like providing meals or help when needed

*Ministry focused, not program driven

*People are allowed the freedom to say "no" to serving

*Help is given to people in times of stress

*People are allowed to be real instead of having to pretend to have it all together

*The church helps people discover their spiritual gifts so the are energized by serving instead of becoming burned out

*The church is sensitive to family needs, no one is expected to attend every event

*The church takes it's role seriously in mentoring leaders

*The church trains people so they can serve and implement their gifts

New Website To Check Out

2008-12-02T16:04:00.003-06:00

Check out this new website called Church Exiters. Barb Orlowski started this site after she did countless hours of research on spiritual abuse and the recovery process. I think you will find it to be very helpful.

Thanksgiving At Little Nanny's

2008-11-22T07:21:00.006-06:00

I love this time of year! My family looks forward to Thanksgiving every year when we go to "Little Nanny's!" All 65-70 of us gather in Tennesee at my husband's grandmother's farm in a small home that was once a trailer. The numbers continue to increase as the children grow up and have families of their own. It's a happy time! All of the guys get out in the front yard and play football, while others sit in the porch swing and watch. The little kids get "Papa" to walk them to the lake to see the ducks. The women are in the kitchen cooking and getting all of the food together. And of course, there is my sister-in-law, who takes pictures of everything. There is a spread of food like you wouldn't believe and it's funny to watch people start inching towards the front of the line well before it's time. Then there's the call to eat..... and Uncle Jerry says the prayer.

We had a bit of a scare this week though. We got a call that Nanny had been rushed to the hospital with congestive heart failure. She is 89 years old and she has had heart problems for a few years now. For a couple of days she wasn't doing well, but she is better now and she is going home from the hospital this weekend. For 23 years I have been a part of Thanksgiving dinner at Nanny's house and for a couple of days it looked like that was all about to change. I'm so thankful she's going home and we will get to see her again. She has always said she wanted to live to see the 5th generation and she has done that. I know she stands and watches all of the people enter her home each year and she knows she is truly blessed to have this family - this large, loud, happy family.

I have been thinking this week about my own family and how thankful I am to have them. I have these wonderful children and I love them so much. I don't ever want to take my life for granted and I want to always remember to thank God for the things that really matter in life - my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my home, my health, and life! Thank you, God! I know that one day there will be new traditions in my family and I look forward to the day when I watch my children and grandchildren fill my home on Thanksgiving Day, just like Little Nanny.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

On The Road To Recovery

2008-11-19T10:19:00.009-06:00

I have been reading the online book, "Recovering From Churches That Abuse" by Ronald Enroth, and I came across a great list of steps that will help you on the road to recovery. I want to share that list and add some of my own thoughts as I go along. (The list from the book will be in green and my own personal thoughts will be in black.)

1. For closure to take place, there needs to be an acknowledgment of abuse. Denying what has happened will only stall recovery.

In my former church we were taught that "confessing" we had needs or problems meant that we were "not in faith." This resulted in me and many others holding years worth of questions and fears inside. I believe you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. That is very evident to me now that I see what holding it all in got me. Since I have been sharing my experiences through this blog, I have taken huge strides on my road to recovery. I believe admittance is very important because if you try to minimize what has happened to you and push it aside, it will only pop up later in your life. Even though it my be hard, admit it now and take these steps so you can truly move forward in your life.

2. Find someone who will listen to your story, who supports your desire to gain healing and restoration.

In a controlling church, you are never encouraged to talk about issues you are dealing with. Even though it may go against the grain of how you have lived for years, you need to tell someone your story. I wrote a post several months ago called, "It's Okay To Get Counsel" because in many controlling churches counseling is frowned upon. If you are feeling like you need to get things off your chest, do it. If you want to share your story on this blog, please feel free to. I understand you not wanting to talk about your situation at your new church because if you told some of the things that happened, people may wonder why you continued to stay. Unless someone is familiar with these types of churches, they just wouldn't understand. Find someone to talk to who has been there and understands. Depending on the degree to which you were involved, you may even feel like you want to talk to a professional counselor - and that's okay.

3. Talk freely about your doubts, feelings, and hopes.

4. Recognize that you will probably go through a grieving process - grief for the lost years, the lost friends and family, and the loss of innocence.

Everyone handles things differently. Some people are just happy to be out and they are able to put the past behind and not look back, but others do grieve. We were always taught the grieving was "not of God" and that you were supposed to be strong and get over it, but in some situations it's a normal part of the process. I cried for a whole weekend when we made the decision to leave. It wasn't because I was going to miss the church or the leaders, but it was because I had spent such a huge part of my life there. I had friends that I had known for years and I knew that many of them were never going speak to me again. I knew that I would be labeled and shunned. I knew my children would lose friends because their parents were taught not to talk to the people who left. I felt like I had wasted years of my life, and the biggest thing I dealt with was that I had kept my children in a spiritually unhealthy place. Yea, I did grieve when I realized I had raised my children in a situation that was now bringing doubt and pain to them and leaving them wondering who in this world they could trust again. Thank God, we are getting past all of that now, but it is a very real part of the process you walk through.

5. Expect to feel fear, guilt, and shame. It is crucial to find people who will support and validate your own step of faith and can help you address your hard feelings.

I can tell you that you will feel every emotion known to man as you leave a controlling church and walk through the detoxing process. It will level out and become easier with each passing day, but don't be surprised if you think you are all over it and then one day it hits you like a ton of bricks. Something you see or read can trigger this reaction and it will be like an aftershock. It's all a normal part of the process. When you have given so much of your life to something and had your children involved in something you now realize was wrong, you won't be able to get over it in a day.

6. Expect to feel foolish and experience self doubt. You may ask yourself over and over, "How did I let this happen to me?" Feeling foolish and regretful about poor decisions is a sign of growth; you will soon leave these emotions behind.

I have asked those questions hundreds of times over the past months. "How could I have not seen this? Why did I put up with that for so long? Where was the love?" I have kicked myself and felt foolish. I have felt embarrassed when I tell people my story, but the most important thing is that I did see the truth and when I did, I left. Don't beat yourself up over it any more and don't ever let it happen to you again.

7. You will need to trust again, in stages. Above all, learn to trust God again. Renew your walk with Him; rebuild a quiet time with Him; don't give up on the church despite it's imperfections.

I have talked to many people who have wondered if they could ever trust again, but it will happen eventually. I have met some wonderful people who have helped me to rebuild my trust, although I have my eyes wide open. Psalm 118:8 tells us it's better to put our trust in God rather than in man. That is one of the problems in controlling churches - you are taught to "honor your man of God" and in many cases people end up honoring him more than God. It is never supposed to be that way! Over the years, I developed a distorted view of God because I thought God was like these controlling men of God in my life that I was told to honor, but since I have been gone I see that God is the opposite of who they are. God is full of mercy, compassion, patience, kindness, and love. It's sad to say, but some have not been able to separate God from the men that hurt them and they have given up on everything. That makes me so sad because God is not who they think He is. He is love. It may take time and don't feel like you have to rush into any of this, but don't let the people of the past keep you from trying to trust again.

8. Relax! Enjoy your new freedoms. Take time for physical recreation, art, music, and just plain fun. Thank God for all the good things He has given us to enjoy.

9. Remember that forgiveness is crucial to recovery. It has been said that forgiveness is for the benefit of those giving it, not for the benefit of the ones receiving it.

I shared this quote on forgiveness several months ago and it has really helped me to look at forgiveness in a whole new way. We were always told we had to "forgive and forget," but I think that was said many times because that's what they wanted us to do. But just read this....

"Forgiveness does not require you to pretend that what a person did never happened and it in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. Forgiveness does not excuse anything. Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgiveness releases you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and ability to love fully and openly. Don't let the anger and pain and loss you feel prevent you from forgiving. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realized that you have forgiven completely." (William P. Young)

I encourage you to consider carefully each one of these steps. I know of many who have walked this out and are now happy and free. I have walked out these steps and I feel like I have covered a lot of ground on this road to recovery. It has been 7 months since we left our former church and I can honestly say that we have never been happier. God has been so good to us. He has brought some wonderful people into the lives of my children who love them and have made it easy for them to learn to trust again. There are still days when we have to deal with doubts, but it's way better today than it was 6 months ago. This just shows God's love and faithfulness. If you are just beginning this process, I'll just tell you now it takes time and it's not always easy, but you will make it through and you will experience joy again.

If you have found yourself having a hard time trying again, know you are not alone. I had some young people from the former church tell me the other day that they were having a hard time understanding prayer. They explained how they hear other people talk about praying and yet they feel like they don't even know how. Chalk that up to the church they came out of - the church that said, "God doesn't want to hear your problems. He only wants to hear you speak the Word." I told them how when I first got saved as a teenager I fell in love with Jesus. I told them of how I used to lay on my bed and just talk to Him. I would tell Him about my day and I talked to Him about things I was going through. I would share my life with Him and ask Him questions. I lost that over the years of trying to follow the "7 steps to prayer" and trying to confess things a hundred times to make it come to pass. I encouraged these young people to start over and just talk to Jesus. I told them to lay on their bed and say, "Lord, I don't even feel like I know how to pray and I need your help to figure all of this out." I told them to be honest with Him and tell Him about the things that were bothering them. That's what we all need to do. He wants to be a part of everything we do. I can't say it enough - don't try to hide your feelings about what you've been through from Him. He understands and He will help you through all of these steps. He wants all of us to be spiritually healthy and strong so we can help Him do the things that really matter - love people and share the gospel with the world.

*An interesting sidenote - Psalm 118:8 is the verse that's in the exact center of the Bible. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Just A Reminder

2008-11-12T13:31:00.004-06:00

I am constantly adding articles and resources to my sidebar. I added several new links today, including two great online books.

Sharing My Heart

2008-11-09T06:59:00.006-06:00

I guess it could appear that I am "dwelling on the past" or refusing to "get over it" because of certain things I write. I received a couple of comments after a recent post that showed me there are a few people who think this is the case. I am an open and honest person and I do not try to be something I'm not. (Although I make that statement with a little hesitation because for 22 years I tried to measure up to what the controlling leadership of my former church wanted me to be.) But even at that, I am who I am and I have written all of these things from my heart. I know I'm rambling, but I have a hundred thoughts rolling around that I want to get out - the main one being what's on my heart concerning my blog.

Before I left my former church, I went through a tough period of time where I questioned all that was going on, and the last people I could have talked to were the leaders at my church. I knew they would have labeled me "crazy." Besides that, in one service it was said strongly by the leader, "Don't come to me with your concerns or issues!" I had no one to turn to and I knew that I was walking on shaky ground. I was risking everything by venturing out beyond the boundaries, but I had to get my answers.

I had gotten wind of a blog that had been started by a couple who had left the church. We were told by the leadership of the church not to read the "evil blog," but I was curious to know what was being said because I knew the good people who were writing it. The first time I read it, I felt guilty because I knew if the leadership found out, they would be mad. But, when I read it I saw that many others were having the same thoughts and questions I had been having for a while and it brought clarity to me. (Thank you!) In one of the posts, they referred to an article where the term "spiritual abuse" was used. I had never heard that term before and the word 'abuse' seemed a bit strong, but as I read the article it all rang true. I began to google words like "spiritual abuse" and everything I read began to answer my questions. I was doing all of my research in secret because I was afraid to let anyone know, but the more I learned, the more truth I saw.

I found blogs by searching the web and then I followed links to other blogs. I was amazed at the number of people who had been through the same things I was going through and how similar the circumstances were. One blogger described it by saying, "All the controlling pastors must use the same play book." By reading different blogs, I learned of books to read that would help me. As I read Jeff Von Vonderen's book, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse," I learned about the "signs of control and abuse" and "how you get caught in spiritual traps." A dear lady, Aida, recommended Darin Hufford's book, "The God's Honest Truth" and I learned more about God's love than I had learned in 22 years. I read Jake Colsen's book, "So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore," and I saw a perfect picture of who Jesus is and that having a relationship with Him is what really matters. I began to see a totally new picture of God and His love. For so long I think I and many others equated God with the controlling leaders of the church, but things were quickly changing for me. I can honestly say that reading blogs has helped me to see the truth about the situation I was in and I am glad they have been there when I needed answers and when I needed someone to talk to.

When I first began my own blog I thought it would be good "therapy" for me to write out my thoughts and I also wanted to help others by providing the same type of information that had helped me. It was a good thing for me. The comments people left helped so much and it has also been good to hear that something I shared helped someone else. Everyone is at a different stage in the process. It would seem that some have fully recovered, some are still walking through the healing process, while others are just beginning to see the truth. You may not know some one's story and there are some who will never tell their whole story. Some things are too personal for people to speak of. I have shared some of my own personal experiences so that others can relate, but there are things I will never tell. It has never been my intention to hurt anyone or to write things that stir up hurtful emotions in people. I try to be very careful about the things I say. I have to be able to lay my head down at night and feel that my heart is right before God. I said in the very beginning when I started my blog that if I ever felt that God wasn't pleased by my blogging I would delete it all. But I don't believe that's the case and I think that the materials I have provided and the information I have shared has helped people - so it stays. Helping people is what really matters. And this blog has helped me to heal too. I have met so many people from around the world - people I wouldn't have met otherwise, like my friend "Getting There" from South Africa and my friend Barb. I have reconnected with a friend from the former church who now lives in Georgia. She heard about my blog and she too read "The God's Honest Truth" and it helped her immensely. I have such a special place in my heart for the readers of my blog and for the writers of the blogs I read.

I chose to do my blog anonymously for various reasons, although a lot of people have figured out who I am. The first couple of days I had it up I began to get calls asking if it was me. How did people know? I didn't decide to do it anonymously because I am ashamed of anything I have to say. I just felt that it would be the best way to do it because I was already having a hard enough time dealing with things. I'm sure that many bloggers understand why I did it that way. I didn't want it to somehow be used against me by the people in my past. It was hard enough to find out that 2 days after I left my church, my family was all of a sudden being called "evil" and "bad." I felt like I put myself in a vulnerable position by having a blog, but even after "dumb blogs" were referred to from the pulpit of my former church, I still had a resolve to continue sharing this information to possibly rescue others from the trap of spiritual abuse.

I am so thankful that caring people took the time to blog and share information for me to read. I am in that same place now - I care about people and I don't want to see anyone stay in a hurtful situation because of a lack of information. I know how great it is to be out of the control and walking in freedom and I know God wants all of His children to experience that same love and freedom. Each person takes a different amount of time to heal and my heart goes out to everyone in this situation. I continually hear of situations that people are dealing with and all I can do is think how sad it is that all of this hurt came at the hands of people we thought we could trust - in a church. Boy, have we all learned some lessons.

Everyone has to be allowed to be themselves and if they need to talk one day, then I want to be there to listen to them. If they need to cry, I want to lend my shoulder. I will be understanding and never judge another person by how they deal with difficult circumstances. And by all means, I will never tell someone to "get over it." That is like a slap in the face and those are hard words to hear when what someone really needs is compassion. I want to be a friend to those who are struggling and say, "I understand, I've been there." And I hope I will always have people in my life who will do the same for me.

I know what's in my heart and the reasons I share, but I have felt at times that some have had the impression that I just keep bringing up the past. I just don't see it that way. I don't believe continuing to share information about spiritual abuse holds me to the past situation. I think it sets me free to know what I will never allow myself to be a part of again and I want to continue to share things that may help one more person get away from a bad situation. If I share things I've learned, like information on "Healthy or Unhealthy Churches," just know that I'm not stuck in bitterness, but I want to get the information out there to save others from hurt. I want to share information that helps people see they are not crazy and that there are others who have made it out of a controlling, abusive situation and are now doing good, walking in God's love, and living in the freedom God provided.

Okay, I think I said it in enough ways so that you understand where I'm coming from. I know I didn't have to explain myself, but I wanted to. I will continue to share the things on my heart and I always welcome and look forward to any information you can share to help me and others. Please just don't say "get over it." I look at how far I've come over the past 6 months and I am so thankful to be where I am. When my former leaders told me my life and family would fall apart if I left, they were wrong. Me and my family are so happy doing the things that really matter in my life - loving God and loving people. My honest prayer for everyone who has been in a hurtful situation with a church, is that you will be able to separate your experience from God and know that He loves you more than anything and the pain you have felt had nothing to do with Him. Have a great day!

A Healthy Church

2008-11-07T08:06:00.008-06:00

Have you ever been sitting in your church and thought, "Something just doesn't seem quite right." Have you wondered, "Is anyone else having the same thoughts I'm having?" Have your family members pointed out odd characteristics or behaviors that go on in your church and have they shown concern for your well being? It could be that the church in question is an unhealthy environment for you and your family.

I have researched this for months now and I have compiled a list of characteristics of healthy churches and unhealthy churches. Keep in mind that two people in the same church can perceive the exact same thing differently - one could think it is terrible, while the other may think it is great. Matters of preference and opinion are one thing, but matters of spiritual health are another. Some churches become unhealthy, abusive, or even cultic over time and there comes a point when you have to step back, evaluate the situation, and realize it may cost you to remain. Take the time to ponder these points and make sure that you and your family are in a healthy situation. If you are in a healthy church, great! I thank God for the great churches out there who are loving God and loving people, but there are churches that can be controlling and cause hurt. As you read, keep in mind that it really matters to God how His children are treated and His desire for you is to be treated with love and care. If you have struggled, wondering if what you are feeling is real and if your questions are legitimate, I hope while reading this list of characteristics, questions will be answered for you.

Healthy - The church is a place of blessing and freedom. It is a place people want to go.
Unhealthy - The church is a place of slavery. People attend more out of obligation, rather than desire. It is a place people want to leave.

Healthy - The church is built on loving God, loving people, and reaching out to the community around and ultimately the world.
Unhealthy - The church talks of love, but the actions are not there to back it up. The leaders and members are focused inward, rather than reaching out to the community and helping people from all walks of life.

Healthy - The Bible is taught in context.
Unhealthy - Scriptures are taken out of context and twisted to make you believe what the leaders want you to believe.

Healthy - The leaders are humble and caring, and they have no personal agenda, other than leading others to follow Jesus.
Unhealthy - The leaders are prideful and the church is built on the foundation of the leader's personality. They are in control and they see to it that their own personal agenda is fulfilled.

Healthy - The leaders see all people as important and all people are truly cared for.
Unhealthy - Favoritism is shown and it's usually based on how much money a person gives or how much time they spend working in the church. No care or concern is shown towards the majority of the people.

Healthy - The leaders are involved in the lives of the church members. People feel supported, encouraged, and equipped.
Unhealthy - The leaders are not involved in the lives of the people unless it is centered on them. There is a pecking order where one or two get all the attention and the rest are ignored. All others do not feel important, supported, or encouraged. In fact, most of the members are never even recognized.

Healthy - The leaders equip others to serve, doing so with care and kindness.
Unhealthy - The leaders use others to meet their needs. The word "delegate" is very popular and is used often.

Healthy - The leaders have energy, love for people, and are not afraid to show their emotions.
Unhealthy - Leaders are apathetic, conceited, and show no emotion. They make others feel wrong for showing emotion.

Healthy - The leaders are genuinely concerned about the welfare of those they lead.
Unhealthy - The leaders are only concerned about having control over those they lead.

Healthy - The leaders are concerned about loyalty to the people.
Unhealthy - The leaders are concerned about the loyalty of the people.

Healthy - The leaders are accountable to others.
Unhealthy - There is no real accountability of the leaders. The leaders have absolute authority.

Healthy - The leaders are secure and they welcome outsiders.
Unhealthy - The leaders are paranoid and they are afraid of outsiders or disloyal members.

Healthy - Your personal boundaries are important and respected. You are allowed to make your own decisions and you are not looked down on or judged.
Unhealthy - Your personal boundaries are not taken into consideration and you often feel you are being taken advantage of. The agenda of the leaders is more important than you or your needs.

Healthy - The leaders are easily available and candid when YOU want to talk. The leaders value your time more than theirs.
Unhealthy - The "higher" the positioned leader, the less accessible he/she will be. Phone messages are not returned promptly (if ever), and conversations are kept to a minimum. The pastor, for the most part, is unavailable.

Healthy - You not only have the right, but you are encouraged to question beliefs, practices, and motives. The leaders are not threatened and communication is strongly encouraged.
Unhealthy - The leaders insist on total, unquestioning obedience and submission to them.

Healthy - You are allowed to ask questions about how the money is spent and the leaders talk about it openly and freely.
Unhealthy - How the money is spent is kept a secret and members are told that it is up to the pastor to make all the decisions on how the money is spent. No one except the pastor and his immediate family knows how the money is spent.

Healthy - You are allowed to make your own decisions about how much you give. You feel that you can give freely out of your generosity and gratitude to the Lord.
Unhealthy - You are manipulated to give. Lengthy sermons are given each week on tithing, resulting in you giving out of fear or obligation.

Healthy - You are not judged by your church attendance. You have the freedom to decide which services and activities you want to attend.
Unhealthy - The leaders want you to put meetings and activities before all other commitments, including family, friends, and even jobs.

Healthy - You are free to dress the way you desire and you are never looked down on for doing so.
Unhealthy - You are expected to dress the way the leaders desire for you to dress, resulting in you losing your sense of self and your personal identity.

Healthy - Freedom abounds.
Unhealthy - Rules abound.

Healthy - The leaders talk positively towards other churches and reach out to help other churches succeed.
Unhealthy - The leaders talk negatively about other churches and they are focused inward. They have an "us verses them" mentality.

Healthy - Fellowship is strongly encouraged.
Unhealthy - The leaders place little emphasis on fellowship. Activities are few and far between and the leaders are always in control of all decisions made concerning these activities.

Healthy - There is a strong sense of unity among the leaders and members.
Unhealthy - There are cliques, resulting in many people feeling left out. There is a lot of complaining and gossip.

Healthy - When problems arise, the conflict is dealt with fast and with tact, love, and care.
Unhealthy - Conflict is ignored and people are told to "get over it." The real issues are not dealt with, and the leaders go to great lengths to appease the big givers and power brokers.

Healthy - Love and grace are subjects often taught. You leave the services with a sense of freedom and affirmation.
Unhealthy - Fear, legalism, and judgment are preached. You leave the services feeling beat down and shamed into doing what the leaders want you to do. You have the sinking feeling that you will never measure up to what the leaders want you to be.

Healthy - The leaders build you up and they see you as a real person and a precious child of God.
Unhealthy - The leaders use guilt, fear, and intimidation to manipulate you and "keep you in line."

Healthy - You are free to "exit" (leave) the church at any time without being judged.
Unhealthy - You fear leaving, because there is a "price to pay." The price includes intimidation, labelling, and slander.

Healthy - The church and the leaders serve the people.
Unhealthy - The people serve the church and the leaders.

Healthy - You are happy.
Unhealthy - You are not happy. You are confused and you may not be able to put your finger on what it is, but you know in your heart that there is more for you and your family.

Healthy - God leads people to go there.
Unhealthy - God leads people to leave there.

I hope after reading these points you are able to smile and say, "I am in a healthy church." It makes me happy to say that I am now in a healthy church and I am growing in God's love. The church facilities where you attend may be beautiful and the appearance can be given that everything is running smoothly, but if ANY of these unhealthy practices are occurring, I encourage you to take a step back and examine things closer. Determine what it is you are really looking for in a church. You might consider writing down the "good points" and the "bad points" in terms of the church and see which outweighs the other. Look closely at the "3 C's" -communication, care, and control. Are the lines of communication open? Do you feel that the leaders really care about you and are you seeing it in action? Is there a large amount of control going on? It's important to know the truth about your church and to know whether it's healthy or unhealthy for you to be a part of it. Remember not to link God with your unhealthy spiritual situation, even though you're definitely going to need to work through some things. He is not the cause of your hurt. He wants you to be free to be near to Him and to serve Him in the way He designed it.

*Part of this information is from articles written by Rebecca Hanson and The Barnabas Ministry.

God Will Sort It Out

2008-10-30T20:33:00.016-05:00

A friend shared a few verses with me this morning that I've been thinking about all day. Psalm 34:4-6 in the Message Bible says, "God met me more than halfway, He freed me from my anxious fears. Look at Him; give Him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from Him. When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot."

I like that statement - "Never hide your feelings from Him." Our loving Father wants us to share everything with Him. We don't have to try to hide our emotions from Him and we don't have to say everything just perfect before He will hear us. He doesn't want us to keep things all bottled up inside and try to deal with them ourselves. He wants to help us sort them out. You know, it really blesses me when my children open up and tell me everything that's going on in their lives. I believe it's the same with our Father.

Tonight, I was reading in a book by Jake Colsen and I came across some wonderful statements along this line.....

He said, "Follow God a bit more closely and trust Him, He'll sort out the rest. He's the cornerstone of the church. Ask Him to sort out all of this in you individually and collectively. He's been doing this a couple of thousand years and He's really good at what He does."

I just took a moment and asked God to help us sort the things out that we are all dealing with. I thank God for how far we have come and I believe God will continue to get us out of the tight spots because He loves us more than we could ever imagine.

Does This Ever Happen To You?

2008-10-29T08:24:00.013-05:00

I can be going about my day and then all of a sudden a thought will pop into my head. It's like the aftershock of an earthquake. An aftershock is a smaller earthquake that occurs after the main earthquake and it is always smaller in strength, but it still "shakes things up." The main quake happened when I left my former church, but I still have these thoughts (aftershocks) that sometimes catch me off guard and kind of shake up the moment.

I know these may seem silly, but they are sometimes sparatic thoughts I have and I wanted to know - does this ever happen to you?

*When you are driving down the road and all of a sudden you think of how much money you gave to your former church, do you get upset and wish that somehow you could get it all back and give it to a worthy cause?

*When someone in your new church asks you where you used to go to church, do you freeze up - not wanting to answer for fear that if you tell, they will wonder if you are normal?

*When you hear a certain song, where the words are something like, "Do what you want, but you're never gonna own me..." or "I never saw it coming, I should have started running a long, long time ago..." do you automatically think of your former situation, sing loudly, and make all the people in the cars around you wonder what your deal is?

I know these things are temporal, and just as the aftershocks stop after an earthquake, I'm sure these things will go away....at least I hope they do....surely they will. No, I know they will because Jesus said that He came to heal the brokenhearted and set at liberty them that are bruised (Luke 4:18).

Cleaning Out

2008-10-25T11:29:00.014-05:00

I started a process today....well, let me give a little background first before I start explaining. I was involved in my former church for 22 years and I took notes during every service I attended. Can you imagine what that resulted in? Stacks and stacks of notebooks full of sermon notes. Not only do I have notes, but I have tapes and cds too - cabinets full!

For the first couple of months after I left, I didn't even want to go in the room where I kept all of these things. I knew at some point I wanted to go through and clean out, but the thought of doing that made me sick at my stomach. I didn't dread it because I missed anything about the church, but these notebooks represented years of my life and things I thought I believed in. I thought I was doing the right thing by listening and trying to live by these teachings, but I see the truth now. And quiet frankly, it doesn't feel very good to realize I gave so much time and effort to something that wasn't right.

I sat in my floor and started pulling out the notebooks. I wasn't sure, do I chunk the whole thing or do I flip through it? Do I put myself through the torture of reading through it and then kicking myself for falling for it when I should have known better? Do I close the doors and try to do it later? The tapes and cds were easy. I knew I would never listen to those again, so I threw those in the garbage can. I opened a notebook and began to flip through it. There were some things I just ripped out and wadded up without even reading it - just the title was enough to know. But I stopped on one page that caught my eye where the sermon was titled, "How To Get Your Dream House." I read down through the notes and a couple of statements really stood out to me. Tell me what you think about these quotes. He said, "God is magnified when you live in a beautiful home. Go look at expensive homes. Don't be afraid to step out and do what you can't do. That's faith."

Are you thinking the same things I'm thinking? First of all, it's not faith to go buy something you can't afford - it's foolishness. That's one reason so many people are going into foreclosure! I had a friend one time who was going to look at homes and she was told to go look at big, expensive homes - not the ones she qualified for. That put major pressure on her. She was trying to obey the pastor, but she also didn't want to acquire a house payment she couldn't afford and put her family in a bind. Second, if God is only magnified if we live in "beautiful homes," that makes Him seem pretty shallow. I know God wants us to have nice things, but I would think He's magnified more because of our hearts being turned toward Him, rather than being so caught up in trying to scrape by to make big house payments. When a person is strapped by hefty payments they are struggling to make, that's all they think about. They can't think about God or serving people. In my mind, and I could be wrong, but I think God would rather you be happy and content with something you can afford, make your payments on time, have enough to be able to save, give, help others when needed, and not be so "ME" focused.

(This is a side note I want to throw in.) We were taught for years that God is glorified when we have lots of money and "beautiful homes." The impression given many times was that if people didn't have these things, they had not built their faith to the level it took to get them. But let me ask a question - what if it's God's will for someone to be in a profession that doesn't make 6 figures a year? What if a person knows they are called to be a school teacher, loving and teaching children, and they don't care how much it pays? What if it's God's will for someone to be a volunteer at a counseling center? What if it's God's will for someone to be a youth minister and the salary is only $25,000 a year? These salaries don't buy expensive homes and cars, so does that mean that these people who are following God's will and serving people, are not magnifying Him? No it doesn't! When a person is happy, living their life and doing God's will, it is wrong for someone to make them feel less important for not having expensive things. Besides that, one person's opinion of nice may be totally different from what another person thinks is nice. (This is one of those areas where controlling leaders try to change your identity and make you think like them.) People should not try to push their opinions off on everyone else of what they think others should have. We all need to be ourselves and buy what we like and never again be concerned if it meets someone else's standard! I want to have a nice home and I love to look at decorating magazines to know how to arrange things, but if my home doesn't meet someone else's standard, it doesn't matter. If I like it, that's all that matters. I like to get "to go" boxes at restaurants. I like to find a great sale and use coupons. That's who I am and I'm not changing for anyone!

Anyway, as I was going through these notes, I came across another page that I stopped and read. It was titled, "Walking In Love With Others." Before I even read some of the quotes, I thought back to the years of being there and all the times I saw people not being treated in loving ways. I know every leader has their bad days, but I remembered the many times I saw staff members leave the pastor's office in tears. I remembered the times I sat through these services thinking to myself, "The things being taught are not practiced." Here are some of the quotes from the notes, "Don't run people down with your mouth. Don't belittle people in the body of Christ. When you do, you do it unto Jesus. Jesus doesn't take these things lightly. The way you treat others is the way you treat Jesus." Those statements are good, true, and right, but if they are spoken by someone who doesn't live by it himself, it stings. It's confusing when you hear these things and then the next week someone is called an idiot or a clown from the pulpit. It was very confusing to me recently when it was said from the pulpit that God requires us to be kind and gentle to people, and yet I saw people being mistreated on a daily basis. I think the biggest question that arose inside of me was, "Is everything that is taught full of hypocrisy?" I mean, if a lie is told about one thing, what else is being lied about? If I am told I must walk in love, and the one telling me is not doing it himself, what else is he teaching that he is not living? Confusing, huh?

During my clean out time, a friend called and I read her a few of the statements. All she did was laugh very loudly. It would be funny, if the pile of wadded up paper didn't represent so many people's lives who trusted, believed, and based there lives on these things. I filled up one garbage can and then I had to stop and close the door. It was too much too soon. As I was going through these notes, I realized that we can have stacks of information that we've learned, but what really matters is keeping our mind on this one simple truth - God loves us. He loves who we are and everything about us. He doesn't care what kind of house we live in, He just loves us, and when we love Him and love people we are pleasing Him. Maybe I'll go back in a few days and clean out some more, but for now I need a break.

A Comment

2008-10-25T11:27:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine sent this picture to me in an email and said, "I guess these precious people I met in Mexico never heard the teaching about God being pleased by your expensive houses." GF

Identity Crisis

2008-10-17T08:24:00.007-05:00

I was talking to a friend by email yesterday who was also a member of a controlling, abusive church. I made the statement, "I have days now when I rarely think about things, but then I still have days when it consumes me." She responded, "I have NO days when I hardly think about it, as I have no solution or direction for my family in seeking to obey "forsake not the assembling of yourselves together" and obeying the Great Commission. It really consumes my thoughts. It is as though I am trying to once again define and understand life. I thought that upheaval ended with my adolescence."

As I was writing my email and reading my friend's comments, it hit me. In controlling churches, one of the things that happens is you lose your identity. You continually push down who you are as a person and over time you become like a puppet on a string, adhering to the whims of your leaders. You are basically told to sit down, be quiet, do what you are told, and of course, give your money. I have been in the same place she is in - trying to define and understand life. As I was thinking about this, I remembered an article that I read months ago. I went back and read it again this morning and there were some very helpful things said. The name of the article is "Spiritual Identity Crisis," and here it is.....

"Many spiritual abuse victims are left with a devastating feeling of void in their souls when they leave a spiritually abusive group/leader. This void (or identity crisis) is most likely the result of allowing our identity to be stolen away when were involved in the group, and then being forced to manage our own identity again when the group/leader is no longer in our lives. This can feel like an impossible task after allowing the group/leader to influence our identity at such a deep level for so long. However, it is possible to rebuild your identity and feel whole again. I liken it to recovering from a debilitating brain surgery that left the victim having to relearn the skills of everyday living. It can be done, but it takes time and effort and does not happen overnight.

Our spiritually abusive leaders brainwashed us into seeing them as our gods. When we let the pastor down, it was equal to letting God down. When we turned our back on the pastor/group, it was equal to abandoning God in our minds. In our desire to please the leader, we learned to become people pleasers, which caused us to abandon our own identity. We replaced who we were on a very deep spiritual level with the identity of the group/leader. We emptied ourselves out and took on the group mentality. After we escape this process, we find ourselves empty and fractured. This is not because God is gone, but rather, because we abandoned our self identity.

I went through a long phase of wondering who I was going to be after I left my abusive group/leader. Was I now the guy from before the cult, during the cult, or a blend of the two? What I found was that I was neither. I was on a voyage to discover who I really was, and away from what my former leader wanted me to be.

Many people feel traumatized after leaving a spiritually abusive group/leader. You may not want to read the Bible for a while. You may not want to go to church for a while - if ever. After having had to perform your way into the group's favor for so long, we can feel exhausted and lose all motivation to please anyone but ourselves. Many spiritual abuse victims find themselves struggling to make decisions, and may even have a hard time disciplining themselves to do basic everyday functions. For so long, we allowed the group/leader to think for us, formulate our opinions for us, and make decisions for us. No wonder so many of us struggle for many years learning how to find ourselves again after leaving a spiritually abusive situation.

It's perfectly okay to want to be accepted just for who you are now. As you transition from the group/leader identity back to your own identity, you may find yourself "acting out" and doing things that would have displeased your former spiritual authority. This is all healthy, and is a completely normal part of the exit process. It can almost feel like going through childhood again as we learn to think for ourselves and make our own decisions again. We may find ourselves rebelling against the politically correct aspects of religion, and even questioning everything we ever learned while in the spiritually abusive group. Even thought this may feel like a very confusing, difficult process - rest assured it is a very healthy and normal part of recovery.

Are you a people pleaser? Have you abandoned your own identity to please others? Well, you are not alone! The good news is that you can take back what was stolen from you. You can begin to think for yourself, make your own decisions, and form your own opinions again. At times you may feel helpless to do these things, but that's only because you haven't been doing them for a long time. The brain parts that drive these functions have become atrophied, and simply need to be stretched and toned again through repetitious usage.

You can begin today taking your identity back away from those who took if from you. They cannot be you, nor do they have any right to tell you who you should be. There is only one you and you are on a voyage to find who that is. At times this journey will be frustrating and painful, but at other times it will be liberating, exciting, and joyful. It's a work in progress."

I can relate to every part of this article. I think people have experienced different degrees of control in their lives, but if you have been in a group like this, I'm sure you can relate in some way. Day by day I began to realize I had succumb to things that weren't even part of my beliefs or moral makeup. I had, in a sense, given my mind over to someone else and let them tell me what I was supposed to think and do. In the process of leaving and ridding myself of the wrong thinking, the "real me" began to surface. I had been trapped and I had not been able to be myself for years. I had pushed down my own wants, thoughts, and feelings to be what my leaders wanted me to be.

In a church like this you take on the thoughts and attitudes of your leaders in every aspect of life, even down to the small things. In my former church, the control even encompassed the way we dressed. This may seem like a small issue to some, but to many, it brought great pressure. We were expected to wear our best at all times and the same went for our children. We were told that our children didn't need to come to church dressed like they were going to a picnic. I know of several mothers that said they felt as if they could not enter the doors of the church unless their children were wearing fine clothes. I always tried to follow the rules, so on Sundays I frantically ran around checking to see if my children's clothes were ironed, shirts tucked in, hair in place. Before we entered the building I made sure no one had gum, because there was "NO GUM ALLOWED." Isn't that sad! Without realizing it, I was teaching my children that their appearance was more important than the fact that we were going to church to worship God. I was teaching them to empty themselves of their identity to become what someone else wanted them to be. Oh, If I could only do things differently!

When we first starting attending our new church, my son wore his nice Sunday pants and dress shoes for the first couple of weeks. Old habits die hard. About the 3rd week he came downstairs in jeans and said, "I can worship God in jeans just as good as anyone. You just watch me!" You know, he did! The people at our new church don't care about what he wears, they care about him. And they like him! He's funny, he's smart, and he loves God. Isn't that what really matters? I just hope that one day some will wake up and realize that it's not what a person wears that matters, but it's the value of the person and what's in their heart.

I have watched my children have the freedom to be themselves and myself as well. It's been like taking off a shell and exposing what's really on the inside. I guess you could say we were "in thick" and we had a lot of layers to peel off. But we are all getting there and doing good! We are living in God's love and learning more about His love everyday.

I wanted to share this article and some of my own thoughts in hopes that some who are struggling will find comfort in knowing that the feelings you are having are normal and you are not alone. Just know that God is right there with you and He is not requiring you to "get over" what you are going through in a certain amount of time. Take your time and talk to Him about it. He understands.

"The Perfect Church"

2008-10-17T07:12:00.006-05:00

I read a post yesterday on the blog Discernment 4 Truth where she was asking people to send comments and describe what they think a "Perfect Church" should be. I have really been thinking about how I would describe what a church is supposed to be. Here's part of her description.....

"Mine would be that the preaching is about Jesus, preaching guided by the Holy spirit and the Bible. There is no going beyond the Bible. Worship without hype or repetition. Dress any way you feel you want to. Fruits of the spirit are the focus. Love is at the center. If you are sick you are encouraged to stay at home. You are not looked down upon Ever! The preacher actually serves instead of forcing his flock to run around for him. Genuine care and concern for brothers and sisters. The secondary issues are not the basis instead the perfect church would focus on what Jesus did for us on the cross. Spiritual gifts are there but they are not the focus, this is secondary, but Love is the focus. Love is seen as the most important gift and it is better to work on that gift than any other. God's will becomes what it should be - to love one another as we love ourselves. We don't need to be told that if you leave a country or a state or a job that you are out of God's will because as long as you love God, that Is His Will!" - Getting There, South Africa

I thought that was a great description. Even though there's not one, how would you describe the "perfect church?"

Characteristics Of A Controlling Person

2008-10-16T11:48:00.013-05:00

Here's a list of common characteristics of a controlling person......

*Overemphasizes his/her importance

*Exaggerates to the extreme

*Greedy, only thinks of him/herself

*Lies extremely convincingly

*Projects an illusion of power that he/she does not have

*Lives in a world of distortion

*Switches from charm to killer instinct suddenly

*Prideful

*Presumptuous

*Pushy

*Defensive

*Inability to admit wrong

*Maniupulative

*Domineering

*Rebellious

*Stubborn

*Sows seeds of discord

*Hate (for those who question him/her)

*Uses fear and intimidation in order to cloud the minds of those they desire to control

*Uses threats to influence

*Needs to accomplish his/her will (at anyone's expense)

*Never takes any blame

*Brags excessively

*Criticizes others

*Preoccupied with self

*Bound with a fear of rejection

*Uses others (only to benefit him/herself)

*Possessive love (turns from sweet to sour if doesn't get his/her way)

*Vindictive and mean-spirited if doesn't get his/her way

*Continually collects ammunition to use in case he/she loses his/her grip on power

*Doesn't seem to have a conscience

What motivates controllers?

*They cannot stand to be wrong.

*They are motivated by insecurity.

*They have a need to feel power and authority, and they will do anything to achieve it.

*They have a need to be elevated, awarding themselves credit and titles.

*They feel they know more than anyone; therefore, they dominate converstations.

*They feel that no one can handle things as well as they can (not even God). Therefore, they take things into their own hands.

*Sometimes a controller becomes temporarily remorseful, but soon goes back to his/her controlling tactics. The learned behavior is deeply rooted, and the controller enjoys the taste of power.

*If you threaten their power and influence, they will seek to destroy you.

*This information is from the book "Confronting Jezebel, Discerning And Defeating The Spirit Of Control," by Steve Sampson.

*The posts, Characteristics Of Control and The Controlling Leader also have detailed lists of characteristics of a controlling person.

Movie Recommendation

2008-10-12T20:02:00.014-05:00

I went to see a great movie this afternoon called Fireproof. (Click on title to watch trailer.) It is a Christian based movie about building marriage relationships. I recommend taking your family to see this movie.

And, take some Kleenex - you'll cry.

Survival Skills - For Those Still There

2008-10-11T14:32:00.009-05:00

Even after seeing the truth, some people still find themselves in an abusive, controlling church. For some, it's because their spouse doesn't want to leave. For some, it's because they are employed at the church or their spouse is employed there. And for some, they are afraid to leave because they have been told bad things will happen to them. But no matter what the reason is, everyone needs to make sure they are protecting themselves and guarding their hearts.

Everyone suffers in these types of situations, and my heart really goes out to staff members of controlling churches, because no one knows the mistreatment they endure. I came across a web site several months ago called Shattered Trust, a site for wounded staff associates. John Setser, the author of the site, has also written a book entitled, "Broken Hearts, Shattered Trust." In his book, John addresses people who are still in these types of situations and gives a list of survival skills. His focus is on staff associates, but anyone can learn and benefit from his information. Here's the list......

1. Do not accept abusive treatment as normal. Resist cruelty, coercion, threats, inequity, constraint, and competition.

2. Recognize wounding agents for who they are. They are self-centered bullies who use physical, verbal, sexual, or psychological strategies to get what they want.

3. Be alert to being "set up." Do not let senior pastors indoctrinate or psychologically coerce you into compliance.

4. Seek out a lateral support system. If you are being mistreated, chances are you are not alone. Ignore the "don't talk" rule and share your experiences with others.

5. Watch your heart. Do not give into self-pity, rage, or a judgmental attitude.

6. Don't stay too long. It is never God's will for you to remain in a wounding church. Exit as soon as possible and tell people why you are leaving.

I hope you find these survival skills to be helpful if you are still in a controlling situation, but even more I hope, when you are able, you will leave. Staying too long will only bring hurt to you and your family. Don't be afraid to tell people the truth as to why you are leaving. When we first left we wouldn't talk about it. We just told people we felt like we were "doing what was best for our family," but I realized that the reason so many of us were in these hurtful situations is because we never talked. When someone is mistreating people and there is wounding potential for others in the future, the truth should be told.

I Kept My Promise - Something Happy & Light

2008-10-10T23:25:00.000-05:00

I have dealt with some serious issues in my last few posts, so I thought we could all use a little comic relief. This guy is really funny!

It's Not Supposed To Be This Way

2008-10-01T13:57:00.006-05:00

*Please understand that I am not lumping all ministers or churches into one category. I am referring to the experiences I have lived through and the experiences that have happened to people close to me. I know there are many, many loving men and women of God all over this world who are helping people to know God and His love. I am sharing these experiences in hopes that others will see that these types of situations are not the norm, but they are abusive and they will rob you of your relationship with God. I only wish someone would have directed me to this type of information years ago. (I promise that my next post will be happy and light.)

For years I was involved in a controlling church that can be described by these verses......

"Jesus said, The religious scholars are competent teachers in God's law. You won't go wrong in following their teachings on Moses, but be careful about following them. They talk a good line, but they don't live it. They don't take it into their hearts and live it out in their behavior. They don't practice what they teach. They crush people with unbearable religious rules and demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden. Everything they do is for show. They wear robes with extra long tassels, and they love to sit at the head table at banquets and in the seats of honor in the synagogues. They love to receive respectful greetings as they walk in the marketplace and to be called Rabbi. Don't let anyone call you Rabbi, for you have only one Teacher, the Messiah, and all of you are equal as brothers and sisters. And don't address anyone here on earth as Father, for only God in heaven is your spiritual Father. The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." (Matthew 23:2-12)

The leaders I was under in my former church placed unreasonable demands on people and never lifted a finger to help. People were expected to lay everything else aside to meet the needs of the pastor and his family. I saw staff members working around the clock, giving up time with their own families and the leaders never seemed to care. Men were expected to work many hours on projects, even to the point of being physically worn out. The physical health and emotional well being of people was never taken into consideration. The pastor preached on the importance of spending time with family and yet it didn't seem to apply to the ones that were doing work for him. I knew 2 ladies, who each had a small child, and they never had time to spend with their families. It always bothered me because I am a very family oriented person and I knew these children needed their mothers. But these ladies knew, just like everyone else, you didn't say "no." There was much teaching on the importance of taking vacations and the pastor would take 2 week vacations, but staff members weren't allowed to be gone on Sundays or Wednesdays, so we took 2 or 3 day vacations for many years.

I know a young man who recently left a staff position at a church just like my former church. This young man was treated terribly by the leaders and talked to in harsh, inappropriate ways. His privacy was violated and lies were told about him. Many people who have spent years in these types of churches have resolved themselves to believing this is just the way it is. Certain friends told him to stick it out because these things go on in every church. I can't help but think if people could just step away and see a church that is loving God and loving people and keeping it real, they would see how wrong this behavior is. I don't believe it's supposed to be that way in churches! God is all about love, not control and keeping someone under your thumb for your own personal gain. I have to believe there are leaders and ministers out there who operate in love and treat others right. I have to believe there are pastors who will provide pleasant work environments for the staff and will walk in God's love and gentleness. I realize it's not always going to be easy and perfect, but there should be many more good times than there are hard, harsh times. I have seen people in the secular workplace treat their employees much better than some pastors treat their staff. Leaders and managers all over the world keep their word and pay people what they are worth. They pay overtime when it's due and they provide insurance when they have already promised their employees that they would. Why should Christians who work in a church be treated with any less respect? When someone does a good job they should be rewarded for it.

I know of one pastor (in another state) who called a work day and several ladies showed up to help. He put them to work shoveling pine bark, while he stood to the side and pointed where he wanted it to go. I'm sure these ladies had good hearts and were glad to help, but what's wrong with this picture? First of all, why should holding the title of "pastor" mean that he no longer has to be a gentleman? A true gentleman steps in and does the hard work for a lady. And second, why does holding the title of "pastor" mean to some men that they no longer have to do any work at all? As the verse above says, it seems like some of these controlling pastors, never lift a finger to ease the burden, but they pour more work on everyone else. It's not right or fair for things to be required of people that the leaders are not willing to do themselves.

On the flip side, I know a pastor who goes to work days, rolls up his sleeves, and gets in there with the rest of the men and actually does work. He doesn't see himself as better or higher than others and he doesn't have an ounce of pride. He wouldn't ask anyone to do something that he wouldn't do himself. I can trust a man like that. I know another pastor who went to teach a Bible study in someones home and when the people tried to give him money for coming, he wouldn't take it. He knows the concept of giving and receiving, but he didn't go for the money. He went to love and share with the people. These are two examples of men who are in the ministry because they love God and love people. They are not in it for the money or for honor from men. They are not in it to have others serve them, but they are serving the body of Christ and being a true example of Jesus Christ.

I read on a blog yesterday that the SBC did a survey of "unchurched" Americans, which is about 61 million people. The survey found that 72% of the unchurched believe in God, but they complain that religious institutions are full of hypocrites. Over half said, "Christianity is more about organized religion than about loving God and loving people." They said, "We want to love God and one another, but religion no longer seems to be the place where we learn how."

You can see from this survey that people are looking for the real love of God. It's no wonder people don't want to go to certain churches where people are treated in ways that I've described. They don't want another person telling them they don't measure up or they have to do "one more thing" to earn their right standing with God. When leaders and churches are doing it right, people can see the love. When I first walked into my new church all I could do was cry because I realized how starved I was for love, fellowship, and true worship. I finally felt loved and accepted. I finally heard a pastor teach the simple Word of God and give me things I could actually use during the week. I didn't fear that something harsh or inappropriate would be said because I could tell that the pastor had love and compassion for people. I knew he would not use his pulpit to criticize others, like some have. This incident happened right before I left my former church.....

My family always sat on the front row or near the front in our former church. About a year before we left, I started helping in a certain department. I was told by the person in charge of that department that I had to sit on the back row because I would have to leave the service early. I was perfectly okay with sitting on the back and I actually got use to it. I met a whole new group of people and made some good friends. I worked in that department for about 6 months and then the leadership brought someone else in to take over because I had other duties to do. We decided to continue to sit in the back because we didn't want to move back to the front and take someone elses seat. I also didn't want a certain friend we sat by every week to think we were being rude and deserting him.

One Saturday morning I got a phone call and I was asked to come and have a meeting. In this meeting I was questioned as to why I was not sitting on the front row any more. I thought I gave a perfectly reasonable explanation to this question by saying that I was told to move to the back when I started working in this certain department. I explained that after I stopped working, we stayed where we were because we didn't want to move back to the front and take someones seat. Even after my explanation, I was told that I needed to move back to the front row and I was told that I needed to "press in." I was puzzled by this meeting and I wondered what the reasoning was behind this request. I was very uncomfortable with the situation, but I "obeyed" and took my family back to the front row the next morning.

Would you like to take a guess at what the message was about that morning? He spent at least 10 minutes talking about where people sit in the church! Ummmm - coincidence? I don't think so. I had been an "obedient" church member, I did what I was told, and went back to the front, but I guess he felt like he needed to keep me in line by correcting me publicly. He talked about how the woman in the Bible with the issue of blood didn't make her way from the front row to the back, but she "pressed in" and made her way from the back row to the front. He said that when people go sit on the back row it's because the Word has leaked out of them and they are empty. It was obvious to everyone around that he was talking about me and my family because we had been sitting in the back for months and suddenly this one morning we appeared on the front row. I felt as though a red flashing light was over my head saying, "He's talking about me." He was wrong in his assumptions! I wasn't empty! I was sitting on the back because I had been told to sit there! I was embarrassed, hurt, and confused all at the same time. He was saying these things with such an attitude and he knew that I knew he was talking about me because of the meeting the day before. All I could do was ask myself the questions, "Would God do this to me? Would he embarrass me like this? Would He hurt me and make a mockery of me?" I didn't think so, but here is a man who was supposed to represent God and be an example of Him and he was doing this to me. I had my sights set on the door and I knew as soon as the amen was said I was making a run for it. But it didn't stop there. At the end of the service he came over and stood in front of me and my family and started saying, "Ha, ha, ha." I can't describe the feelings that were rising up inside of me. Why couldn't he have taken the approach of thanking me for all the years of service I had given to him and that church, instead of badgering me when I hadn't done anything wrong?! Why did he have to make such a big issue out of something that really didn't matter at all? There were much bigger issues that needed to be addressed in that church, rather than which seat I was sitting in! Besides that, does it really matter to God where people sit in the church building? Everyone can't sit on the front row, so is everyone from the 5th row and back empty and backslidden? I know that's not true!

I left there that day never wanting to step foot back in that place again, although I did. I had been treated like this before, but I had begun to see glimpses of truth and I decided I was not going to allow anyone to treat me like this any more. At some point you have to say enough is enough and after 22 years of being treated like this and watching others be mistreated, now was my time. Situations like this have caused people to question and become disillusioned about the very nature of God. I had been in a place of wondering if I wanted to trust the God these men had made Him out to be - a distant, uncaring God, but getting out from under the control, being around loving Christians, and reading about His love has caused me to have a totally renewed picture of God. I now know God is loving, gentle, kind, and compassionate. He has been misrepresented many times by selfish men and I know He would never do things like this to me. He is my loving Father that will take care of me - not throw me under the bus.

Controlling, abusive churches have caused many people to have the same stories as the one above. A church is supposed to be a place that builds you up and leaves you better off after being there. Many people who leave a controlling church feel down right beat up. If you find yourself in a situation that resembles anything like what I've written, you have to know that no good will come from it. I wish things could be different and I wish everyone would see the truth and walk in God's love, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to be that way. Don't fool yourself any more and stay in a hurtful situation. Jesus wants to set you free! When the leaders tell you that all the people who left are lying, you need to ask what it is they are lying about - (although you can't ask questions in controlling churches, so maybe you should ask the people who left.) Why would hundreds of people who are trying to move on with their lives and live for God, make up a bunch of lies and bring more hurt to themselves? Find out what the truth is - it will set you free!

I want to leave you with a quote that helped me to see another glimpse of God's unconditional love. It's not supposed to be any other way but this.....

"It is a joy to wake up confident about being loved by God every day, without having to earn it by any act of righteousness on your part. That is the secret of first love. Don't try to earn it. Know that you are accepted and loved, not for what you can do for God, or somehow hoping that you will be worthy of His acceptance, but because his greatest desire is to have you as one of His children. Jesus came to remove any obstacle that would prevent that from happening. There's not one thing you can do to make Him love you any more today; and there's not one thing you can do to make Him love you any less either." - Jake Colsen

Happy? Devastated? or Both?

2008-09-19T08:17:00.008-05:00

Someone asked the question the other day, "If all of these people who left the church are so devastated, then why do they get on the blogs and talk about how happy and free they are?" I will try to answer this question, but I may need some help from you, the happy and free readers, to explain.

I am happy because I am going to a new church, meeting a lot of new people, reconnecting with some old friends, rebuilding my relationship with God, and I feel like for the first time in many years I really understand the love of God. I have also learned so much about the kind of church I will NEVER be a part of again. Freedom came when I realized that God loves me for who I am and I no longer have to measure up to someone who places impossible demands on people. All of these things make me very happy, but I continue to deal with the things that have gone on and are still going on in my former church. It hasn't been easy to try to separate what was right and what was wrong from the past 22 years. (It seems now that most of it was wrong.) It is a process that doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't begin until you are out from under the control and manipulation.

I also heard that someone asked, "If the church was so bad for 25 years, then why are these people just now seeing it?" My answer to this is that these controlling leaders are very good at what they do! They manipulate trusting, innocent people who give their lives to serve in the church and then leave them hurt and devastated. Yes, it is devastating to find out that someone I trusted lied to me, didn't really ever care about me, and then turned on me overnight. It has been devastating to realize that I was indoctrinated with rules rather than strengthened in a relationship with God. It is devastating to realize that basically I have to rebuild my whole life.

Happy? Yes! Life is good and free outside the bubble of a controlling church! Devastated? Yes, but trying my best to move on. With every day that goes by, the devastation becomes less noticeable. I still feel I have a little ways to go before I will go a whole day without thinking about it at all. Sometimes things get stirred back up, especially when I hear of another person who has been hurt by a controlling leader.

Can anyone else help me answer these questions that have been posed? Can you relate to what I am saying? Are you moving on and yet still have moments when you feel devastated? What's your story?

Are You Under The Influence?

2008-09-13T12:40:00.005-05:00

I found this quiz on the Internet and answered yes to almost all of the questions. I thought you might find it interesting to take.

Are you "UNDER THE INFLUENCE" of a destructive group or belief system? Find out with this Self Quiz:

Does your group discourage doubts, criticism or ideas that differ from their belief system? Yes____No____

Do you tend to rationalize whatever the group does even when it goes against your sense of right and wrong? Yes___ No___

Do you often feel exhausted from lengthy group activities, meetings and projects? Yes___ No___

Does your group have its own unique words, cliches, slogans, chants, prayers and doctrinal phrases that reinforce the group viewpoint? Yes___ No___

Are doubts viewed as a lack of faith, dedication, commitment or disloyalty? Yes___ No___

Have "your thoughts and questions" become "the enemy?" Yes___ No___

Do you often find yourself doing more and more things in the group because of group peer pressure that you would not have done on your own? Yes___ No___

Does your group publicly humiliate or criticize members? Yes___ No___

Does your group have a system of punishments and rewards for behavior? Yes___ No___

Group paranoia: Does your group obsessively think other groups or people with different beliefs are out to get them? Yes___ No___

Does the prospect of leaving your group seem scary, difficult? Yes___ No___

Do you feel the need to leave in secret? Yes___ No___

Have you been told something bad might happen if you leave? Yes___ No___

Does your group/belief system think they have/are the only or highest truth, or have the solution for the world’s problems? Yes___ No___

Are your leader’s ideas or belief system considered beyond reproach or sacred? Yes___ No___

Do you follow a particular individual or belief system that requires unquestioning obedience and loyalty? Yes___ No___

Do members of your group feel specially chosen, superior, exclusive, elite? Yes___ No___

Do you feel the need to save or convert others to your belief system or ideology? Yes___ No___

Is your group secretive to outsiders about its inner workings, teachings, activities or beliefs? Yes___ No___

Does your group equate purity and goodness to being in your group, and impurity or evil to those outside your group? Yes___ No___

Do you place your group’s mission or agenda above your own goals and ideals? Do group interests come before your own interest? Yes___ No___

Do you find yourself thinking in a we-they, us-versus-them mind set? Yes___ No___

Does your group/system have a clear outside enemy? Yes___ No___

Do you see less and less of your family and friends who do not belong to your group or who do not subscribe to your group’s belief system? Yes___ No___

Does your group use frequent public testimonials, confessions, or sharings that reinforce the group’s mission or agenda? Yes___ No___

Is communication within, into and out of your group controlled or censored in any manner? Yes___ No___

Does your group criticize, shun, abandon or demean individuals who leave the group? Yes___ No___

Do members seek approval or get permission from group leader(s) for personal life choices? Yes___ No___

Do you feel pressured to attend meetings, events, lectures, seminars? And do you feel guilty if you don’t attend? Yes___ No___

Do you feel pressured to give a portion of your income to the group, or spend money on special projects? Yes___ No___

Are the group’s financial needs more important than your own economic well-being? Yes___ No___

Does your group discriminate against anyone regarding race, gender, or belief? Yes___ No___

Does your group have a totalitarian structure: a strict, top-down centralized control? Yes___ No___

Do you wonder if you have been in a destructive group? Answer these questions:

Do you have difficulty forming new friendships and intimate relationships? Yes___ No___

Do you have low self-esteem, poor self-image or loss of identity? Yes___ No___

Do you have difficulty making simple decisions and choices? Yes___ No___

Do you often feel depressed, anxious and nervous? Yes___ No___

Do you feel isolated, lonely, guilty, cynical? Yes___ No___

Do you feel like you are just now growing up, becoming a mature adult? Yes___ No___

Do you have short-term memory difficulties? Yes___ No___

Do you feel you have nothing to believe in? Yes___ No___

Do you often feel anger and rage towards the group? Yes___ No___

This quiz has no scientifically predetermined number of "yes" answers to indicate a destructive group. However, answering "yes" to any of the above questions means you may need to examine your group and its influence in your life.

Great Post Link

2008-09-12T16:23:00.010-05:00

I read a great post today on Charismania's blog called 'Surveying the Wreckage.' She does an awesome job explaining what goes on in controlling churches. If you read it, let me know what you think.

Where's The Love?

2008-09-08T13:02:00.018-05:00

I noticed over the years, in the church I was involved in, it seemed there was always a lack of love. There was a lot of teaching on faith and money, but not a lot of teaching on loving God and loving people. Since I had been in this one church for over 20 years, I knew nothing else and had nothing to compare it to. I wondered where the love was, but I came to the resolve that it must be that way in all churches. I see now that I had bought a lie. I went for all those years missing out on love, freedom, friendships, and most importantly a real relationship with God. I had settled for a counterfeit religion. Now that I am out from under the control and manipulation, I see how far off things really were.

I always wondered why many of the ministers I use to be around didn't seem to like people. In meetings I attended, ministers would stay in the back until the music had already started and then they would leave before the service was dismissed. It was very evident that they didn't want to be around or converse with the "common" people in the congregation. Why did they want to spend their time teaching the Bible to people that they really didn't even seem to like? Could it be that it was just a job to them? If they don't like people, then why did they go into the ministry to begin with? Being in the ministry is all about people!!!

I heard the same stories over and over about ministers who would mistreat their young apprentices. I heard of one old timer that had a young minister who followed him all the way to another country, while all along the way he ignored and mistreated the young man. WHY? Why wouldn't he want to be an example of God's love and kindness? In my mind, all this does is give people a false view of who God really is. This young man was looking to his mentor to learn the ways of God. Couldn't the mentor see that he was actually teaching him how to mistreat God's precious children? God always helps, leads, and provides for us. He never mistreats and leaves us to ourselves to figure things out. We shouldn't listen to these stories and just accept them because they come from behind a pulpit. If it doesn't resemble God's love, then we should rethink the whole concept. Someone may be able to preach a good sermon, but if they don't have love for others, then doesn't the Bible say it's only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal?

We were always told, "Don't look at the man, look at the gift." I have figured out that this is sometimes a convenient way to excuse moodiness or rude behavior. I have now taken that statement out of my vocabulary because I don't buy it anymore. The Bible says that we will know people are Christians by their love. It also says to test the spirits and look at the fruit. Where's the love in a pastor talking rudely to someone? Where's the love in calling someone a name from the pulpit? Where's the love in not accepting a person for who they are and refusing to see the good in them? I know a young minister who was spoken to in a very inappropriate way by a church leader. When the leader was confronted, he excused his behavior by admitting, "he was strongly lacking in people skills." What about using manners, or better than that, what about doing what's right? Enough excuses! When a leader is lacking in people skills, he should do whatever it takes to learn some. There are plenty of good books and classes out there to help people.

I heard one friend describe it as being "relationally dysfunctional." It made so much sense to me when he said that. I always thought that maybe I was the one that had the problem, because I got so nervous around certain ministers and couldn't even speak. But now I see that the multitude of people in the church are probably not the ones with the problem, but perhaps it is the leaders. I have come to the conclusion that some leaders were never taught people skills, good manners, or how to love.

A few years ago, I made the suggestion to the leadership of my former church that we offer the staff a class on people skills. I did a lot of research and presented it to the leaders. Of course, that didn't happen. After looking through the material, I found some of the basic principles this class would have taught.....

* Be a good listener and encourage people to talk
* Show respect for the other person's opinion
* Give honest and sincere appreciation
* If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
* Try honesty to see things from the other person's point of view
* Sympathize with people

There are so many kind, loving people in the ministry. You don't have to remain in a church governed by selfish leaders who don't care about people. If a leader has been conducting himself in the same way for 20 or 30 years, he's probably not going to change any time soon. You deserve more! You are God's precious child and He cares how you are treated. He laid out how he wanted you to be treated in the Bible. Is your church meeting the guidelines?

God's plan throughout time has consisted of people impacting other people. That's God's main goal for us - impact people for the kingdom of God. Ministry is not about "me" and what I can get from people, it's about being a servant. Jesus himself came to serve instead of to be served and He always chose others over Himself. Jesus is supposed to be the example for all Christians, including ministers. It's time that we realize that no one is better than another. The homeless guy down the street is just as important to God as the pastor of a church.

I was talking to a young couple who just came out of a controlling church and they admitted that they have never really known God's love. They have heard about the things of God all of their lives, but He seemed like a distant God who was only interested in making sure they followed the rules. I am on a mission to share God's love with them and help them see that what really matters in life is loving God and loving people - not all the legalism they have grown up in their whole lives. I believe there are many people out there in this same situation. When a person walks into our life, we should look at it as a God given opportunity to share His love with them. We truly have the ability to impact the lives of people on a daily basis. It only takes a kind word, a smile, and giving some of our time to show we care.

Where's the love? Let it be said of you and me, that God's love can be found here.

Characteristics of Control

2008-09-06T12:07:00.013-05:00

What I week I've had! I have once again seen the ugly affects that control and manipulation can have over a person. There are controlling leaders out there who will go to any length to protect their own image, while hurting innocent people in the process. I so want people to see the truth and escape from this ungodly control!

Evidently this very thing has been going on throughout the history of the church. A friend pointed something out to me in the Message Bible. It's not a scripture, but it's the introduction to the book of Galatians. Here is a portion of that introduction......

"When men and women get their hands on religion, one of the first things they often do is turn it into an instrument for controlling others, either putting or keeping them "in their place." The history of such religious manipulation and coercion is long and tedious. It is little wonder that people who have only known religion on such terms experience release or escape from it as freedom. The problem is that the freedom turns out to be short-lived. Paul was doing his best to add yet another chapter to this dreary history when he was converted by Jesus to something radically and entirely different - a free life in God. Through Jesus, Paul learned that God was not an impersonal force to be used to make people behave in certain prescribed ways, but a personal Savior who set us free to live a free life. God did not coerce us from without, but set us free from within. Paul learned that religious leaders of the old school had come into the churches, called his views and authority into question, and were reintroducing the old ways, herding all these freedom-loving Christians back into the corral of religious rules and regulations. Paul was furious with the old guard for coming in with their strong-arm religious tactics and intimidating the Christians into giving up their free life in Jesus. But he was also furious with the Christians for caving in to the intimidation. Freedom is a delicate and subtle gift, easily perverted and often squandered."

It seems to me that Paul was passionate about making people aware of this control that leaders were trying to have. That's where I am today. Paul wrote about the affects it would have on people because he wanted them to be free and I want the same. I want people to be free! It's time for people to fall into the arms of a loving God instead of falling into the hands of a controlling leader!

Please understand my heart. I know there are great churches who are doing it right. I have been to some of them and I go to a church where the pastor says, "We are all in this together." I know there are Christian leaders and ministers who are loving people and teaching the true Word of God, but there is a faction out there that is controlling and manipulating, and innocent people are falling prey to it. My purpose in sharing this is not to keep things stirred up in the hearts of people who have been through this. If you are already free, you can stop reading. I am sharing this in hopes that those who are still in bondage to this control will see it for what it is.

One of the biggest areas I see is the confusion it brings to young men and women who are trying to build their lives and ministries. They are told to respect and honor their leader, and they are given no choice but to bend under the rule and even accept mistreatment that comes their way. They are told, "If you do it our way, everything will go well for you." People are being trained in a culture of control which forces them to conform to a way of life that is ruled by guilt and manipulation. Can't you see how this can suck the very life out of a person who is only trying to love and serve God? Because there is no grace and love shown to them, it makes them have a sour taste for the church as a whole. This should not be! I want people to escape from the clutches of control, and see that Jesus provided a wonderful life of freedom for all of His people! I want people to see that God is totally the opposite of this control men try to use over them! I want people to just know how much God loves them!

I have been reading from a book titled "Confronting Jezebel: Discerning and Defeating the Spirit of Control," by Steve Sampson. This is a list of characteristics from the book that controlling people display. You can apply this list to any area of your life, not just the church. Everyone has character flaws (so don't get paranoid), and anyone may have one or two these characteristics, but if a number of these is present, then you are probably dealing with a controlling person. If anyone is trying to control you, it is not what God wants for you.

Characteristics Of A Controlling Person:

* Refuses to admit guilt or wrong - This person is never wrong, unless it's a temporary admittance of guilt to gain favor with someone. To accept responsibility would violate the core of insecurity and pride from which he operates.

* Takes credit for everything - This person will never take credit for his wrong actions or behavior, but he is quick to take credit for benefits for which he contributed no effort.

* Uses people to accomplish his agenda - This person lets others do his dirty work.

* Withholds information - This person wields power over you by knowing something you don't know in a situation. He will use this information as a powerful weapon of control.

* Talks in confusion - When confronting the controlling person, the subject may be changed five times in one minute. Confusion keeps him undiscovered and unexposed.

* Lies - This person lies convincingly. No one can lie better than he. The fact that he can look you in the eye and lie just shows how strong and adamant this rebellious spirit is.

* Ignores people - A classic ploy of a controller is to ignore you when you disagree with him. This puts the person out of the leader's grace and forces him to either "come around" to the leader's way of thinking or to be indefinitely ignored. One is not free to disagree with a controller.

* Never gives credit or shows gratitude - This person cannot bring himself to say thank you or to acknowledge that someone else did something right, even if it benefited him.

* Criticizes everyone - This person has to be the one who looks good, so he will quickly and sharply criticize anyone who makes a suggestion. Criticizing others elevates the controller in his own mind.

* One-upmanship - This person will always upstage another person. He feels threatened by anyone who dares to steal the limelight or who is a threat to his power and control.

* Sequesters information - This person loves to be in control of information. He will push to be the "first to know." Where he gets all his information is beyond comprehension, but he can dictate to you data and details about people's lives and actions in mass quantities.

* Uses information - This person uses information as a leverage for power and then shares tidbits with you, often things told him in confidence. This gives him a sense of power, even to the point of trying to impress people by "knowing things" that others do not.

* Spiritualizes everything - When this person is confronted, he commonly spiritualizes the situation, explaining it off on God. This prevents him to owning up to responsibility required of him. The implication is always, "You've got a problem; I don't."

* Is insubordinate - This person will take credit for someone else's idea. His main desire is for power and control. There is no conscience when an opportunity for recognition presents itself.

* Is pushy and domineering - This person pressures you to do things, seemingly ripping from you your right to choose or make a decision for yourself. He makes others feel as though they don't have enough sense to think for themselves.

* Uses the element of surprise - This person's main thrust is to be in control, and a large part of control is catching you off guard.

* Sows seeds of discord - This person will continually belittle another person in the most subtle way. The strategy is to "gain" control by minimizing the value of another person. It is common for him to tell half-truths to implicate another person in your eyes. By sowing these seeds, he hopes to eventually reap a harvest of destruction, improving his position of power.

* Commands attention - This person loves to be the center of attention and doesn't like to see others recognized. When someone else is recognized, he will quickly undermine the person's accomplishments verbally.

* Is vengeful - This person is never wrong. It you contradict or confront him, get ready to become his worst enemy. As long as you are in agreement with him, all is fine. But if you confront him, look out. You are the target of his fiercest venom. He will stop at nothing to destroy your reputation.

* Attempts to make you look like you're the Jezebel - This person is difficult to pin down. If he is near to being confronted, he will skillfully twist the entire situation, trying to make the innocent person look like the one who is attempting to control. He will do anything to look like the one who is right.

* Insinuates disapproval - This person will often imply disapproval to those under his control. The controlled person feels no freedom to express an opinion, for fear of disapproval.

* Knows it all - This person is blatant regarding his knowledge of everything. He is quick to express is opinion in any area, and he leaves little room for anyone to point out the other side of an issue. He has made idols of his opinions.

* Is ambitious - This person has strong desire, but all for self. "I want what I want when I want it," describes his worship of self-will. He will never use the words, "We have a vision," but rather, "My vision is this."

* Gift giving - This person uses gift giving as a form a manipulation. By doing this it makes people feel obligated to him.

* Is independent - No one has input into this person's life. He fraternizes with no one unless it is to get you to "cooperate" with his agenda.

* Is religious - This person dwells in the church, but doesn't like authority unless he is in the position of authority.

* Hides - This person may seem normal for a period, exhibiting none of the classic traits. Then suddenly without warning a situation will arise and once again this person will take control and wreak havoc over lives.

* Uses Fear - This person uses fear to wield authority, by saying things like, "If you leave, you will be without a spiritual covering."

I have seen all of these characteristics and experienced many of them first hand. I can tell you by personal experience that staying in a controlling situation will only bring hurt and disappointment to you and your children. Someone very dear to me learned this hard lesson just this week. The only way to truly live a free live in God is to get away from the control and learn all you can so that you will never find yourself there again.

*The post, Characteristics Of A Controlling Person, also has a detailed list of common characteristics.

Sharing In The Father's Affection

2008-09-01T09:23:00.005-05:00

I watched a video this morning called Sharing In The Father's Affection and it really touched my heart. Sometime soon when you have about 30 minutes, I encourage you to watch it. It gives a clear picture of the Father's love for us.

The More I Seek You

2008-08-31T20:38:00.004-05:00

This worship song has really been a blessing to me and I wanted to share it with you. Sometimes we try to make spending time with the Lord complicated by thinking it has to be done a specific way, when really it's just about coming to Him and simply resting in His overwhelming love and peace.

The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You

I want to sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe
And feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming

Too Much Power

2008-08-31T07:02:00.006-05:00

As I think back over the years of being in a controlling church, it bothers me when I think of how much power I had given to a man I called my pastor. In many ways I gave a man the place God was supposed to hold in my life. I let a man assume a place of authority that God never intended another person to have over me. We were told that because of the office our pastor held, when he spoke, it was God speaking - if we didn't listen and obey it was equivalent to disobeying God. But in the New Testament Jesus didn't talk about an office or position that He held and He never forced anyone to honor Him. He simply came and spoke the truth. God Himself doesn't even exert His power over us and He never controls, drives or pushes us. He loves us and gently leads us, and then He leaves it up to us to follow. This is the way it should be with leaders in the church, but this is not always the case.

In an article on spiritual abuse, Craig Von Buseck said, "Spiritual abuse can be difficult to detect at first if you have never encountered it. In a manipulative church, the pastor subtly positions himself to take the place of the Holy Spirit in people's lives. They may try to put undue influence on the choices that people in their congregation are making. They might try to sway some one's decision in a matter to keep them under their control, or to keep them from leaving the church."

I experienced this first hand on several occasions in my former church. One of those times stands out vividly in my mind. My husband and I had made a decision about something concerning our children that we thought was the right thing to do. We had talked about it and really felt like we were following God. I made the mistake of telling someone about what we had decided to do and the information went straight to the pastor. The following Sunday, we were called to his office after an evening service and questioned. He proceeded to tell us that we were wrong and that we were going to have to change our decision. Being the loyal church members we were, we told him that we would reverse our decision and do what he wanted us to do. We left his office feeling like we were little children that had been reprimanded and we had no choice but to obey. He used the power that he knew he had over us. We see now that we had given him too much power in our lives.

Looking back, I wish we would have said, "No, we are the parents and this is what we feel is best for our children." He should have supported our decision and trusted in our ability as parents, but he didn't. This type of thing happens over and over in controlling churches. People place the responsibility God gave them into the hands of leaders that they trust. The sad thing is, some controlling leaders don't always have the people's best interests at heart, because they care more about their own image than the people. In the situation I described above, I have a suspicion that what he wanted us to do really had nothing to do with what was best for my children. I am just thankful that everything turned out okay in the end, even though I went against my own heart. I share this example in hopes that some will see that it is okay and right to follow your own heart and not give into pressure from someone else. It's so much more important to follow God rather than a man, because God always knows what is best for you and your children.

If a minister tells you something, it should be in line with what God has already impressed upon your heart. If it doesn't line up, you should pray about it and not just jump because it's a pastor or a prophet telling you to do it. The Bible says in I John 4:1, "test the spirits," another translation says, "carefully weigh and examine what people tell you." You are responsible for you and your family and it's important that you find out what God's will is. God and His Word must come first in our lives - it comes before what anyone else says, even a pastor. Yes, God puts people in our lives to help us, but not to take over and tell us what to do. I think some people have felt beat down and have felt almost scared to step out and even make a decision on their own. Some have lost their confidence and they are scared to do anything without asking their pastor first. But you can trust your own heart because God lives there. You have the same Holy Spirit that any minister has. In fact, a minister should be happy for you and encourage you as you learn to develop confidence in your ability to hear from God, instead of trying to keep you under his thumb.

Sincere Christians have suffered much grief because they listened to a man instead of following what they really knew was right in their own heart. In his book, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse," Jeff Von Vonderen says, "Many have innocently come under one of the various "authority" movements that periodically sweep through the church - usually variations on the same heresy, that "vision" or "guidance" must come only through a spiritual "head," which ultimately denies an individuals ability to hear from God." I think many of us have found ourselves in this place and we didn't mean to give our power over to someone else. It was something that happened over time. God never intended for one person to have control over another. In His eyes we are all equal. He doesn't love one person more than another and He wants all of us to live the same wonderful life of grace in Christ, focusing on the things that really matter - loving God and loving people.

His Grace Is Enough

2008-08-28T08:11:00.002-05:00

Have you ever tried to talk to your teenager while he was listening to his ipod? Sometimes I am just talking away, wondering why he isn't responding, and then I realize he can't even hear what I am saying. His mind is on what he is listening to, instead of me. It's a distraction. I believe that there are some things that have been taught that have become distractions in Christian's lives - things they are listening to have taken their minds off of what God's grace means in their lives, and they have turned their focus on doing works to earn God's approval and protection. If you are constantly thinking about "one more thing" that you have to do, I want to tell you today that God's grace is enough!

Think back to when you first got saved. You had so much greatfulness in your heart for what Jesus did for you and you couldn't wait to find out more about Him. I think most of us can say that one of the first scriptures we ever memorized was Ephesians 2:8-9. It says, "For by grace are you saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God. Not of works, lest any man should boast." I remember when I first read this verse years ago, I took a big sigh of relief because I was so glad that my salvation had nothing to do with me, except that I just receive it. Why have we allowed someone to tell us that we have to bring works back into the picture? When we put our trust in our own works, it won't get us anywhere. We must put our trust in the work that Jesus did. Galatians 3:3 says, "After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?" His grace is enough!

Think about it like this - Jesus told us to become like a little child (Matt 18:4). Has your child ever paid his way to Six Flags or Disney World? Does your child pay for their own food when you go out to eat? No! They don't pay their own way. Just as our children look to us and trust us, so are we to do with our Heavenly Father. Jesus already paid our way! His grace is enough!

I tried to figure grace out for years and I never really understood what it was all about, but as I have been thinking about these things and studying about God's love, I have finally gotten a clear picture. God loved us so much, He sent Jesus to pay the price to take us out from under the law and place us under grace. The law was a set of rules that held people in bondage. If one rule was broken, the curse would come upon them. When Jesus died on the cross, He freed us from the law and the effects of the curse. God gave us this freedom, not to allow for wrongdoing, but because He wanted us to know that He loves us and accepts us for who we are. He thinks we are awesome!

Some churches teach that you have to live up to a certain standard in order to obtain something from God. That makes people have a "law mentality." This mentality says that you have to go to church, pay your tithes, read your Bible, and confess all the right things in order to receive from God and stay away from the curse. Those things are good, but they don't make us more righteous. This wrong message forces people to get so busy trying to keep themselves in right standing with God, that they get their eyes on what they can do instead of what God's grace has already done. It's a distraction. Galatians 3:11,13 says, "So it is clear that no one can be made right with God by trying to keep the law. But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When He hung on the cross, He took upon Himself the curse." When people constantly tell you that there are things you have to do to earn freedom from the curse, they are saying that His grace is not enough. But it is! The work Jesus did on the cross was enough! He has got you covered!

We can't allow ourselves to be distracted any more. We have to stay focused on God's grace and share this great message with the world. God has already given us all things that pertain to life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3). There is NOTHING we can do to earn this. God is not a task master. He is not waiting to drop the curse down on you if you miss something you were supposed to do. No! He sits on His throne of grace and bids you to come to (Heb. 4:10). God's grace is enough! Don't let anyone tell you different!

A Description of Jesus

2008-08-25T13:08:00.003-05:00

I have been doing a lot of reading lately while I wait in long car pool lines. A friend told me about a book he read recently called "So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore," by Jake Colsen. (I'm only in the first chapter, so I won't recommend it until I read it first.) I was hesitant to buy it because I do want to continue to go to church. I love going to church and thankfully we have found a place that my family loves and trusts. My friend told me that the book is not about quitting church altogether, but it makes some really good points about recognizing controlling situations so we won't make the same mistakes twice. As I was reading, I came across something that was very special to me. A character in the book gave a wonderful description of Jesus that I can't quit thinking about. I want to share it with you.......

"He was as gentle a man as one would ever know. He could silence detractors without ever raising His voice. He never bullied His way; never drew attention to Himself nor did He ever pretend to like what vexed His soul. He was real, to the very core. And at the core of that being was love. Wow! Did He love! We didn't even know what love was, until we saw it in Him. It was for everyone, too, even those who hated Him. He still cared for them, hoping somehow they would find a way out of their self-inflicted souls to recognize who stood among them.

And with all that love, He was completely honest. Yet even when His actions or words exposed people's motives, they didn't feel shamed. They felt safe, really safe with Him. His words conveyed not even a hint of judgment, simply an entreaty to come to God. There was no one you would trust more quickly with your deepest secrets. If someone were going to catch you at your worst moment you'd want it to be Him.

He wasted no time mocking others, nor their religious trappings. If He had something to say to them, He'd say it and move on and you would know you'd been loved more than anyone had ever loved you before. I'm not talking about mamby-pamby sentimentalism either. He loved, really loved. It didn't matter if you were Pharisee or prostitute, disciple or blind beggar, Jew, Samaritan, or Gentile. His love held itself out for any to embrace. Most did, too, when they saw Him. Though so few ended up following Him, for the few moments His presence passed by them, they tasted a freshness and power they could never deny even years later. Somehow He seemed to know everything about them, but loved them deeply all the same.

And when He hung there from that filthy cross, that love still poured down - on mocker and disillusioned friend alike. As He approached the dark chamber of death, wearied of the torture and feeling separated from His Father, He continued to drink from the cup that would finally consume our self-will and shame. There was no finer moment in all of human history. His anguish became the conduit for His life to be shared with us. This was no madman. This was God's Son, poured out to the last breath, to open full and free access for you to His Father.

Jesus wants to be your friend without any strings attached. He will care for you and if given a chance will become more real to you than your best friend, and you will cherish Him more than anything else you desire. He will give you a purpose and a fullness of life that will carry you through every stress and pain and will change you from the inside to show you what true freedom and joy really are."

So Call Me Crazy......

2008-08-22T07:29:00.017-05:00

To give new readers a little background, I left an abusive, controlling church 3 months ago. I had been in that church for over 20 years and now I can't figure out what in the world I was thinking for all those years! I am not placing the blame on anyone but myself, because I made the decision to stay as long as I did, however there was a lot of manipulation and control going on.

When I made the decision to leave, I went through some of the most emotional days of my entire life. I had given so much of my life, time, and money to this church for many years, only to find out that 2 days after I left, I was now being called "evil." Wow, how did I go from someone they trusted to head up ministries in the church for years, to an "evil, demonic, listening to poison, crazy, goat?" (These were their words about me, not mine.) I am trying my best to move past these things and people say, "just get over it," but I figure that I can't forget about something in one day or even 3 months that took over 20 years to build. My family and I have found a new church that is awesome and I am happier than I have ever been. We are experiencing the love of God and the freedom that Jesus provided for us like never before. BUT I just have these moments when I hear something ridiculous that was said at my former church and I just want to blog away!

Anyone who has ever been in an abusive church knows that the minute you leave, you will be talked about in horrible ways, and of course, you are the one who is wrong. It is never anything that the leaders did that made you leave, it is always because you are "offended" or "hanging around and listening to the wrong people." It is because "the devil is out to steal the Word." It is never because the leaders mistreat people or do unmentionable acts. No, it's because you "let the Word leak out of you" or "you quit honoring your man of God." (Understand that I am presenting this in a totally sarcastic way.)

Something awful happened in our former church, that I will not go into, but it caused hundreds of people to leave the church. It is amazing to me that the people who left were respectable people - successful business men and women, nurses, ministers, policemen, ushers in the church, and even board members, and yet (in the mind of the leaders) it was still all of these people who were wrong and it wasn't anything the church leaders had done. The most recent words (just this week) to be spoken about the group who left (my family included) is - we are crazy! Wow, I wonder what God thinks about His children being called crazy? Anyway, it is being said that there were a couple of hundred youth who were on fire for God, (actually it was less than a hundred, I was there) and in their words, "people went crazy, acted nutty, drug their kids away from the life of God, and stomped out a move of God among the young people." Once again, the leader's spin - it was the parents fault and it wasn't the immorality that had gone on or what the leaders had done. It is always this way in controlling churches, it's always what someone else did, and it's never the fault of the leaders. They won't take responsibility for their actions and they will never admit they were wrong, even when hundreds of people know it's wrong.

In this case it had nothing to do with parents just pulling their kids away from God when they left the church. I know these people and they love their children and would never do anything to intentionally hurt the relationship their children have with God. Leaving had everything to do with following God and doing what was right! It had everything to do with people standing up and saying, "I won't take the abuse any more!"

So they can call me crazy for.......

*Leaving a place that abuses and mistreats people

*Leaving a place where the leaders place the blame on every one around and will never take responsibility for their own actions

*Leaving a place where people are called "idiots" on such a regular basis, that you begin to think that God Himself thinks everyone on the face of the earth is an idiot

*Leaving a place where no one is truly loved for who they are

*Leaving a place where no one ever feels like they can measure up in the eyes of the leaders

*Leaving a place where you are talked down to and never appreciated for all that you give

*Leaving a place where the main focus is money

*Leaving a place where rules are more important than people

*Leaving a place that doesn't reach out to the community and meet the needs of hurting people

*Leaving a place that will turn on you in a second and call you crazy when you haven't even done anything wrong

And they can call me crazy for......

*Wanting to walk in freedom

*Wanting to go to a place where me and my children will experience the love of God in our lives

*Wanting to go to a church that loves and helps people

*Wanting to go to a place where kindness is the norm, instead of the exception

*Wanting to go to a church where people care more about you than your money

*Wanting to go to a church where people don't use you, but they respect you and appreciate you for who you are

*Wanting to make my own decisions

*Wanting to regain my self-esteem that had been jerked out of me for years

*Wanting to be happy and wanting my children to be happy

*Wanting my children to be cared about and treated in a nice way

*Wanting to have fellowship with other Christians

*Wanting to go to a church that is community minded and world minded, instead of a church that is "me" minded

*Wanting to go to a church that will never call me crazy

They can call me crazy if they want to, but I call it being smart. I call it having enough self-respect not to allow myself to be controlled or hurt anymore. I call it following after the heart of God.

There Will Come A Day

2008-08-21T10:51:00.010-05:00

I always pause before I push the button to publish a post. I never want to come across in an unkind or unloving way. I never want to offend or hurt anyone. I sort of feel bad when I think that I've been too strong in my writings (like my last post - yikes!), but writing things out on my blog is like a detox process for me. Reading the comments people leave is like free therapy. It sure does help when you know that someone else understands what you are going through.

I try really hard each day to move past these things and think on the things that are true, just, honest, and things that are a good report (Phil. 4:8), but sometimes I forget to do that. I called a friend the other day who left an abusive church 4 years ago. I asked her, "Will there ever come a day when I don't think about this 24/7?" She said, "It stays with you for a long time, but it does get easier." Sometimes it seems that thoughts consume my mind and I feel like I will live with this forever, but I believe there will come a day when this will be a distant memory. I trust that God will lead me and guide me and help me move past this. Is anyone else having a hard time getting past these things?

It's What's In a Person's Heart That Really Matters

2008-08-20T18:15:00.009-05:00

I have heard controlling ministers describe certain churches as "flesh" churches. (If you have never heard this term, it's used in controlling churches and carries a negative connotation.) From listening to these ministers it seems that a "flesh" church is one that serves donuts, allows casual dress, and has fellowship groups. Okay, what about in Acts 2:46, where it says that people met from house to house, breaking bread, and the church was added to daily? What about in Hebrews 10:25, where it says we are not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together? Does it say anywhere in this verse that the assembling has to be in a church building where a formal service is conducted? I think that when people meet together and lift up the Name of Jesus, it doesn't matter if it is in a church sanctuary, a home, or even a barn! It's what's in a person's heart that really matters.

How can people think any church that is reaching the lost, teaching the Bible, loving people, and meeting needs in their communities and in the world, be a "flesh" church? To me, bashing people, using fear tactics to get people to tithe and give their money, telling people to shun other Christian brothers and sisters, and putting down other churches, is more "fleshly" than anything I've ever seen. And where does it say in the Bible that you can't be a minister or a true Christian if you don't wear a suit? I go to a church where the pastor doesn't wear a suit and I am hearing some of the best teaching I have heard in years. Some of the things that people are making such a big deal out of really don't matter at all. It's not about what a person wears, it's what's in a person's heart that really matters.

I Have Another Question

2008-08-19T11:43:00.028-05:00

As parents, we teach our children to always be nice to their friends and neighbors. We read books to them about being nice, sharing, and helping others. We read them the 'Golden Rule' from the Bible, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." We go out of our way to correct them when they are not nice to others. We do these things as parents, because we care about our children and want things to go well with them in life. So my question is, do you think that Father God is going to tell His children, through a minister, that He doesn't want them to be nice to others?!!!!

I left my former church a few months ago and I'm still dealing with certain things. You may say, "Why do you even care what they say or what goes on there?" The truth is, I don't care what goes on, but I do still have a few friends who attend the church that will still speak to me and I know others who still have friends there as well. It seems that people are being told not to be nice to those who have left the church. I know this has gone on for a long time, but it's being talked about now like never before. Things are being said like, "Don't be nice to those who leave your church and don't even go out to dinner with them. You can be kind, but there is a difference between being nice and being kind." WHAT? I looked up the words nice and kind in the dictionary and you know what, they mean the same thing. I just can't believe it has come to this! Even worse, fear is being used to drive their point home! I can only hope that my friends won't listen to what is being said.

I have another question. What is this message going to teach the children who are there? I guess the parents might as well give up on teaching their children to be nice and kind to others, because when they go to church they will hear the opposite. I have seen some hurt children and teenagers who were "cut off" from their friends when they didn't even do anything wrong. How can this be justified in the mind of anyone, especially a Christian? I would think anyone could see that when someone tells you not to be nice to others, it goes directly against the Bible! Am I missing something? If there really is a difference in being nice and being kind, please fill me in.

While reading my new book, "The God's Honest Truth," I came across a statement today that really made me stop and think about all of this. Darin Hufford said, "Unkindness has almost become the norm of our society, and many of us have grown accustomed to its foul presence." You would expect this in the world to some degree, but not in the church. However, I think you will find that in many controlling churches, people have forgotten what kindness looks like.

One Sunday, a while back, we took a visitor to church with us. He accidentally opened the wrong door and was quickly reprimanded. It embarrassed him and he had a hard time even listening during the service. Afterwards he said, "I thought this was a church." Being treated like that did not make him want to come running back. He wanted to go to a place where people would be nice to him. I have found that many people in the business world are even nicer than some church leaders. This just should not be! Church leaders should understand that there are all types of people who will come into the church and they can't all be expected to be spiritual giants. And yet, in many cases, if people don't act perfect they are looked down on. Believe me, they take notice of what is going on and how they are treated. Guess what, the old saying, "Christians are under a microscope," is true! When Christians act in certain ways, such as being rude or not speaking to a fellow Christian, it doesn't make the world want to run to the altar to receive what they have. Can you imagine what a visitor would think if he came into a church and heard a minister telling the people not to be nice and not to go out to eat with their friends? He would run for his life! Why do some not see how far away from normal this is?

God makes it very clear that what really matters to Him is love. There's going to have to be a turn around and kindness is going to have to become the norm again. We have got to portray a clear picture of who God is. He is the kindest One of all and the very fact that He lives inside of us tells me that we can be kind to all. We must let the love of God flow from our hearts, be a light to the world, and share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Then and only then are people going to want what we have. And it's not just the world that we need to be nice to, there are many hurting Christians who have been hurt by controlling churches that need to see once again that their are kind Christians who will love them.

Darin also says, "The great counterfeit of kindness is manipulation." I thought that was a very interesting statement, but I as read more I understood what he was saying and it's so true. When people do nice things with the motive to get you to do something for them in return, it is not kindness, it's manipulation. This is commonplace in controlling churches and it hurts people when they find out that they were only treated in a nice way because someone wanted something from them. But true kindness is something you give with no strings attached! Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit and it defines the character of God. Kindness is the love of God in action. When we are kind, we are acting like God. The opposite is true as well, when people are not nice and kind, they are not acting like God. He is kind even when others aren't. He is kind, no matter what, and that is how He wants us to be. Listen to what God says......

"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is brought to full expression in us. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face Him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. If someone says, "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And He has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters." (I John 4:7,11,17 &20)

"Kindness overrules anger, rage, depression, hopelessness, gossip, envy, strife, and just about any other terrible thing. There is a power in kindness that resists anything thrown its way. It topples over strongholds and crushes addictions. It changes the mind of stubborn people and deflates the pride of humanity. Kindness is more powerful than anything the flesh manifests. Nothing can stand up to it and everything turns into dust in its presence." - Darin Hufford

Listen to the Tone

2008-08-17T00:46:00.002-05:00

I have really been enjoying my new book. Some of the things I have read are so good and they express my heart exactly, so I just want to type it word for word. Darin Hufford says.......

"Over the years, I have watched a growing trend that has brought much concern to my heart. It usually happens when a preacher is relating a conversation he supposedly had with God, and when he comes to what "God said," he presents Him as being callous and coarse in His tone.

I once heard an evangelist recall a word for word conversation where God was confronting him on a matter of personal pride and supposedly God said to him, "you make me sick." Another time the story was told that God's response to a person was, "do I stutter, or are your ears flapping?" It's usually done for effect, but I feel that over time it wears on the hearts of His children. We begin to expect that this is who God is and how He relates to us.

The Bible says to speak the truth in LOVE. Truth ceases to be truth if it is spoken in any other tone than love. Tone is everything! Words speak to the head. Tone speaks to the heart. Even dogs understand this principal. Have you ever spoken words of love to a dog in an angry voice? What happens? The dog runs away and hides.

This is precisely why so many Christians are hiding today. They have been given loving words in an angry voice. Though they have memorized the words in their head, they have also memorized tone in their heart. A preacher can tell his congregation that God loves them every Sunday for a year, but if the preacher doesn't love them himself, the tone will always be contaminated. It's not enough to preach on a subject and cover all the points. Love must be at the heart of everything we do and say and the tone of love is NEVER rude."

I struggled with this for years in my former church. It seemed at the time, that certain things being said were right, but the tone they were spoken in seemed harsh many times. I can remember phrases such as "beat their brains out," and "pea-brained Christians," that were spoken in a callous or rude tone. I would have never used those phrases when talking about my children or other Christians and I cringed as they were said, but I just pushed aside the concern I had over it. I didn't realize until recently that somewhere inside I couldn't help but wonder if God acted the same way towards me. I bring this up to show that there is a danger to your spiritual well-being to sit under someone who isn't using a tone of love and building you up. Your head may get used to it, but your heart never will. You will start to act like a scared puppy and hide from God when you think He will shoot you down or criticize you. These types of actions are the total opposite of who God is. His tone is always love! Love, love, love! And that is what I always want my tone to be.

Darin said, "The only way the Bible can be properly interpreted is if the messenger knows and understands the tone of God's heart." I want to know the tone of God's heart and part of that is making sure I am protecting my heart and listening to the right things. Listen to the tone in which things are being said. If they make God seem like a mean or rude God, it's not right. If Christians or other churches are being put down, God's not in it. We must have the right picture in our hearts of who God truly is. God is love, He's always love and there is never a point when He isn't love. It's that simple.

The Heart of God

2008-08-14T09:11:00.007-05:00

Okay, so I think I have figured something out. I have always wondered why I sat in church for years and didn't seem to grow in my relationship with God. I didn't backslide in the sense of doing wrong things and I never stopped going to church. I was still reading my Bible and I did all the right things, but I didn't seem to get any closer to God. Why? I really believe it was because I didn't understand "relationship" and it was never taught at my former church. I tried to live a formula and I missed out on years of knowing who God really is. We were taught certain parts of the Word of God, but we weren't taught the heart of God. I know His Word is His heart, but I'm talking about the person that He is and His character. We were taught about the acts we needed to perform to earn things from God, but we weren't taught about the unconditional love of God. I have figured out that the person you are receiving from has to have the things you desire in your life.

I read that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and the Southern Baptist Association has now proven that Christianity is the fastest declining religion in America. That is sobering to hear, but do you know why that is? I think it is because people aren't hearing about who God really is. The picture that has been painted of Him is not attractive. Many churches are not teaching people about the love of God and what it means to have a relationship with God. Ministers have gotten so "deep" in their teachings and revelations, the simple things about God are being bypassed. Doesn't the Bible say that it is the goodness of God that leads men to repentance? The goodness of God is His kindness, compassion, mercy, grace, guidance, comfort, acceptance, unconditional love and the awesome relationship He wants to share with us. How are people going to really know who God is if all they hear are mixed-up teachings that have no rhyme or reason to them? One minute a minister is talking about walking in the fruit of the Spirit and ten minutes later he is bashing another Christian. How is that showing anyone the true heart of God? One minute someone teaches on God's promises and how they are a free gift, but then they tell you what you have to do to earn them. It seems that some ministers will convince you of who they want you to think God is. It is time for us to find out who God is for ourselves.

I am reading a book right now called "The God's Honest Truth" by Darin Hufford and it is changing my whole outlook on who God is. It is awesome. He says, "I do not believe that there is a person in the Bible that is more misunderstood than God. He has been misrepresented for thousands of years." I believe that. There are so many people giving their opinion of who God is and it has gotten the world confused. People are scared of God because they think He will turn on them in a second, just like other people in their lives have. I think there is so much more we can learn about God's love for us. The purpose of this book is to teach about the love of God and to understand the heart of God. As I read things that help me, I will share them with you. He said a good place to start learning about God's love is to look at Him through the light of I Corinthians 13.

"God is patient. God is kind. God does not envy. God does not boast. God is not proud. God is not rude. God is not self-seeking. God is not easily angered. God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres."

God is patient. I want to take this first attribute of God and give a few quotes from the book. I am seeing a new picture of who God is and that He really does love me.

"God is patient with you because He understands you fully and completely. He knows every tiny little facet of your heart. God even knows the things you have long forgotten about. He knows the things that have made you the person you are today. His patience with you is not a case of God holding back His boiling anger toward you, but it is simply God knowing you so well that He doesn't even begin to lose patience. There is never a time when He loses patience with you because you aren't getting something fast enough. God has decided wholeheartedly that He will be with you for all eternity. He isn't even thinking of leaving. God has patience with you because He knows the end of your story, and He is pleased with it. It's a happy ending!"

I am so glad I read that He doesn't lose patience with me when I don't get something fast enough. The process I am walking through after leaving a controlling church has been tough. Honestly, I have been through a lot of hard times, but this ranks up at the top. I feel that I am having to rebuild my whole life. I am trying to figure out the things I am supposed to take with me and the things I am supposed to leave behind. It is a process that doesn't happen over night. I feel like I have been wounded and I am healing slowly. The one thing that is helping me the most is to focus on His love, and nothing else. I am so thankful that He is not angrily standing by while I "get over it." He is right in there with me, gently leading me. I am really starting to get a clear picture of who He is. He is not the God I thought He was. He is not the God who was modeled before me for years. He is my Father and He loves me, not based on what I do, say, or how I act. He just loves me. These are the things that really matter, not the long list of requirements that were placed on us to measure up to someone elses standard. God's standard is pure love.

I Corinthians 13 describes the true heart of the God we serve. If you have been made to believe that He is any different than this description, it's time to wash your mind clean and start over. If it is really true that Christianity is declining, there is something wrong! It's time for us to learn and understand the love of God and share it with everyone around us. That is what will make the world want to come to Him, read His book, talk to Him, and give their lives to Him.

Performance or Relationship?

2008-08-13T13:00:00.041-05:00

In controlling churches, the leaders place more importance on what a person does, rather than who they are. This results in a performance-based relationship. These types of relationships have caused hurt and confusion to many people in the body of Christ.

Jeff Van Vonderen describes a performance-based relationship in a controlling church like this......

"How people act is more important than who they are or what is happening to them on the inside. Love and acceptance are earned by doing or not doing certain things. Living up to the standard is what earns acceptance, the result of which is acceptance or behaviors, not people. Or once the standard is reached, it is changed or moved. Kids can't be kids because children are imperfect, messy, loud and ask questions that sometimes perplex or embarrass, none of which is considered acceptable.

The effects: perfectionism, or giving up without trying; doing only things you are good at; cannot admit mistakes; procrastination; view of God as more concerned with how you act than who you are; cannot ask for help; cannot rest when tired; cannot have guilt-free fun; high need for the approval of others; sense of shame or self-righteousness; demanding of others, or you except "nothing" from them; living a double life."

I could stop right there and let this quote speak for itself, but I want to share some things I have learned. What I and many others have been through in a controlling church mirrors this description exactly.

People will go to great lengths just to be accepted and hear someone praise them for a job well done. In abusive, controlling churches people give their lives by arriving early, staying late, and serving in many areas. They are at the church almost every day of the week, even if it's to the detriment of their own family. They spend their hard earned money and put many miles on their car, all the while they don't realize they are only being used. They are rarely told they are appreciated and they almost never hear the words "thank you." I have seen it time and time again, people do a good job and anxiously await a pat on the back or a smile of approval and they never get one.

Many people have walked away from a task that they put their whole heart into, only to find out it wasn't good enough. Let me just tell you now that there will always be "one more thing" you will have to do to be accepted in a controlling church. You will spin your wheels for years and give so much of your life, but when you have been used up, you will be easily discarded. The most tragic result I have seen is that people begin to think they cannot trust God, just as they can't trust the leaders who have done such a hurtful thing to them.

Pastors and leaders have done many things that hurt people in the name of God. We were taught for years that when our pastor spoke, it was the same as God speaking. But what about the times he was unkind? Was that God? We were told to look at the gift in the man and not the man. But did that mean that all of the PG-13 services we sat in with our children were coming from God? My point is that people get confused about where to draw the line of separation between what is man and what is God. When you are told that you are not honoring God if you don't honor the man, it somehow puts God and man on the same level. Where do you draw the line? The line is drawn in Matthew 23:9 where it says, "Don't address anyone here on earth as Father, for only God in heaven is your Father." It was so refreshing to me the other day when I heard a pastor humbly say, "I am just human. I don't want to, but I will probably let you down one day. That is why you have to keep your eyes on God and never on me." Ministers should teach us to keep our focus on God and God alone, but certain leaders lead us away from this because they want our allegiance and they want all that we can do for them.

When ministers place such an importance on performance, people will begin to think that God does too. We become reluctant to go to God for fear of disappointing Him. Hebrews 4:16 says, "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." It doesn't say that we can only come when we have performed everything in excellence. The control we have been under has caused us to go to God with our heads tucked. We have been made to feel that we can't measure up at our church, so why would it be different with God? We should know the difference, but when we sit under the control for years, it becomes hard to separate the two. It's hard to break away because enough scripture has been used to make us believe what they are saying is the truth. We must break free from this way of thinking and remember that our God is a gracious and loving Father who wants us to run to Him. He is the one who always accepts us with open arms!

I am re-learning that my relationship with God is not based on my performance! I am re-learning that His love and acceptance is not based on what I do. If we are always thinking we have to do something to earn His approval, then what about His grace? I heard someone say the other day that tithing is what brought about their healing. I emphatically asked - What about the blood of Jesus? What about the work of the cross? What part did these things play? God gave us these things freely! When we place our confidence in the things we do rather than the love God has for us, we are only performing to get something we already have!

I want to know that it is by His grace that I am accepted and there is nothing I can do to earn it. I want to give Him the glory for all the good in my life. If I do a performance and seek glory for it, it will make me prideful. It will be about what I did and not what He did. Look, I am trying to stay on my feet. Proverbs 16:18 says that pride will bring destruction and make you fall. Why would I want to fall by taking the glory that belongs to God? It's not about me. It's not about my ability - it's about His ability in me! It's all about God! It's not about what we can do to earn acceptance or approval. Because of what Jesus did - we already have it! One time I heard a pastor say, "Quit saying you are not perfect, because you will have what you say." You know what, I'm not perfect - that's why I need God in my life. I daily need His help and guidance. I want to be a humble servant who loves Him and loves people. I hate pride and Proverbs 6:17 tells me that God hates it too. I want to run as far away from pride as I can.

We were in a service last night and I turned to my husband and said, "Do you notice how they are pointing everything to Jesus?" Is your church pointing people to Jesus or to the man in charge? Is your church causing you to trust in Jesus or is it causing you to focus on your performance? If you are in a controlling church trying to measure up to a man's standard, you will never make it. Which would you rather have - performance or relationship? Come away and put your eyes back on God and let Him love you for who you are. It is a wonderful place to be. There are too many nice, loving people who will love and appreciate you for who you are. But more important than anything God loves you - for who you are! He just wants a relationship with you and there is nothing you can do to change the way He feels about you!

Think About The Children

2008-08-08T12:02:00.005-05:00

I have shared many things over the past couple of weeks. It just keeps bubbling out. I know you may get tired of some of the things I repeat over and over, but my desire has been to help people see the dangers of controlling churches and how they can hurt people. Spiritual abuse is real and it has gone on more than I could have ever even imagined. I want to make it very clear that I am not "dwelling in the past" or "wallowing in offense." I am free from all of that! I am sharing these things to help others relate and see the signs of abuse and control. I can't stand aside and be silent while I see people being hurt. If you are noticing that your church has some of the characteristics I have talked about, I encourage you to read the articles I have links to on the side of my blog. They are very enlightening. Remaining in a controlling, abusive church will eventually hurt you. Just being there can cause you to take on the same attitudes and characteristics of the leaders and eventually it will cause you to harden your heart to the things going on around you. If you have children, you have to think about what attitudes are being formed in them and if they are learning the love of God or just learning how it feels to be controlled. Life is too short to stay in a situation that you are not happy in. I promise you - the freedom you will experience will be better than you could ever imagine. Don't be afraid that something bad will happen to you or your family if you leave. That teaching is so far off base and it is not found in the Bible. Here is what is found in the Bible.....

"God is guarding you and keeping you by His power." (I Peter 1:5)

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and He is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father's hand." (John 10:27-29)

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

These are the things we must base our lives on! These are the things we must teach our children! The teaching that something will happen to you if you leave is just a deception and it makes people afraid. It causes you to take your eyes off of God and put them on the church or a man. It scares children when they hear these things. They may never tell you they are afraid, but in the back of their minds they have the fear that something will happen to them or their family. I have heard that some children have voiced a fear of dying if they left their church. When they hear these things from a pulpit that you have placed them in front of, they will believe it. It will make them think that God is behind it. But He is not! He is our Protector! If you believe what they are saying it's one thing, but if you don't believe it, then why do you have your children there listening to it? As parents we must make sure that the things our children are being taught is pointing them to God and not making them afraid of Him.

Me and my children were sitting in a service where it was mentioned that there would be people who die because they left the church. It seemed that there were some that were happy about that statement. I hope I misread that observation, but I was grieved by it. When we got home I sat my children down and told them that no one should ever want anyone to die. I expressed to them strongly that God is complete love and He is long-suffereing to all of His children. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to anyone and neither do we. I felt terrible that I even had to try to correct something that I had allowed them to sit under. I am staying on this for a minute because I want you to see that what our children hear in a church service carries a lot of weight with them. You can go home and try to correct it, but it would be better if they never heard it in the first place. I have stated before that I know and understand - no church is perfect and no one will teach perfectly all the time, but fear tactics should never be used on Christians who are innocently just trying to do the right thing.

I am glad to have my children in a place of love and freedom instead of fear and control. The things my family have experienced in just the last 3 months have been awesome. My children have met lots of new friends and they are happier than I have ever seen them. They are no longer under a heavy rule that presses them into someone elses mold. Children and teenagers need rules and boundaries, but when there are rules without relationship and love they will eventually see right through it. Now that they are around loving and caring people they have the compassion for the world in their lives once again. When one of my sons was little, he used to cry for the lost in our prayer times. Over the years he lost that after being in a place of just hearing about money and what you can get from God, hearing people being called "idiots," being told to dress right and act right, and not hearing much teaching on the compassion of God for people. I was concerned about these things over the years, but I didn't see what I could do. I could tell him things at home, but in his mind he would think, "Yea, but I was told something different at church by the person you are telling me is speaking on behalf of God."

One year the young people in our church went to camp and came back "fired up" for God. They started going up to the front of the church during worship time on Sunday mornings. It used to really bless me to see them run up there as soon as the music started. They would jump during the fast songs and lift their hands during the slow songs. Usually the fire would die down a few weeks after camp, but this time it didn't. They kept it going for months. Something terrible happened that devastated the youth and even after that, they still kept going up to the front. I was really proud of them for that. One morning they were jumping up and down to a fast song and the song was stopped in the middle and they were told that jumping was not "dancing in the Spirit." They were told that if they were dancing in the Spirit there had to be a shuffle in their step. I could not believe it. I thought, "You have young people who are coming up to the front to worship, they have kept the fire going in their lives even after all they have been through, and you're about to put out the little fire they had left." My heart was so grieved. They were jumping because they loved God and wanted to praise Him. They were expressing their hearts in an action. Why would anyone want to stop them? They could be out in the world doing other things - they could be dancing in bars, they could be doing drugs, but you want to take the one thing they enjoy doing in church away from them? This is my opinion and if I'm wrong I trust God will show me, but I think that God didn't care if they jumped or had a shuffle in their step. I think He was thrilled that these teenagers wanted to praise Him and they were using their energy towards Him and I don't think He was offended by it in the least. I think He is a Father who loves His children and He was just proud that they wanted to worship Him. Why do people want to attach so many rules to everything - even to the ways people show their love for God?

My greatest desire in life has been to see my children have a real, true, everyday, heartfelt relationship with God. Not a "going through the motions because you have to" relationship. They were saved when they were little and they have walked with God, but I always wondered if they really knew the heart and character of God. I taught them at home all the time, but I didn't think it was being modeled before them at church. What was I thinking? Why did I keep them there so long? I have wised up a lot lately. The other day we were sitting in our new church and the pastor was talking about the love of God and reaching out to the world, and I whispered to my husband, "This is what I have always wanted for my children." Yes they need to hear about faith, but they have to experience the love of God too. Faith won't work without love. They have been diving into their Bibles like never before. They run downstairs with their Bibles and say, "You've got to hear this." They are learning about their relationship with God and they finally see it is more than just a set of rules that they are supposed to follow.

If you have children, especially teenagers, consider carefully what church you go to. I heard a statistic the other day that was frightening - 86% of young people will leave the church at age 18 and never come back. This tells me that churches better be thinking about these young people. They should never be an after thought. The most important thing a church can do is love these young people! They don't need someone else to tell them that they don't fit into their mold. Just love them! These things are so much more important than some of the things being taught. These things are eternal. You can have all the big houses in the world, but if young souls are being lost - what does that matter? I want so bad for young people to know the heart of God. I don't want them to get the wrong impression of who He is and not want to serve Him. I want them to know the true nature of God and that He loves them for who they are. These are the things that really matter.

Reach Out

2008-08-07T23:09:00.003-05:00

There are people everywhere who have a story to tell. I received this heart-touching email and I asked permission to share it, because it will help us to remember that we must always be available to reach out to help our brothers and sisters in Christ. There are some churches failing miserably at their job of reaching out and loving others, and in many cases there has been more harm done than good. This is a portion of the email.....

"While I was there at the church, I was a single mother of 3 babies, and very poor. I felt like I got overlooked. I tithed and made offerings faithfully and cleaned the church's toilets and watched the members children, yet no one knew my name. No one offered any assistance to me or my children. I actually made a counseling appointment because I wanted financial advice. I was on food stamps, drove a car with no breaks, worked a minimum wage paying job, and was trying to go to college. During the appointment I was told that if I found a dollar on the ground I should tithe it. Well, I did that. I raked up every bit of change I had and sowed it. It was $6 and some change. God honored my faith and we had a service where people gave each other money and 3 people gave me money. It totaled $287. Two of the people that gave to me were people I grew up with and one was their friend. I gave $100 to another person who was financially blessed because that is what we were taught to do and I bought my kids Christmas with the rest. There were times I would be so stressed out not knowing how I would get my children's clothes, pay my power bill, etc. and I would think to myself I must be doing something wrong - maybe its because I have all these kids and I am not married. I was never "measuring up." I too have recently gotten into learning about God's unconditional love. I wasn't taught about that much.

During that time we were taking up offerings for jets, motorcycles, vacations, etc, for people in the church and other pastors. As I look back on it now, it doesn't seem right. I believe in honoring people and I gave in those offerings, but the Bible is very specific on helping the poor and fatherless. I do feel injured. I don't have hard feelings for anyone, but I have had a hard time feeling comfortable in a church. If I go to a church and the first visit is about money, I don't go back. I have been to large churches and walked in and not been acknowledged by a soul in the place. I don't mind so much about being acknowledged if the message speaks to my heart and I get fed. But there are so many people like the man wearing the hat that may be lost forever if they aren't. I feel passionately, that people need to step out on Sunday mornings and walk up and introduce themselves to someone. When they see a person there every time the church doors are open with 3 children, no husband, and visibly poor, they should reach out to them. We were not taught to do that in our church. So many people would keep giving to the already financially blessed, but nothing was said about giving to the poor and fatherless. We were taught to sow into good ground, but most people don't take the time to look on the inside of people."

I so appreciate this precious lady sharing these things with me and allowing me to post them for all to see. We must always be aware that there are people right in front of us who need a friend. One of the best things we can do for our Heavenly Father is be kind to His children. Just to let you know, she told me in another email that she has since gotten married and is doing really good. I pray that God will lead her to a church that will love her and teach her the real truth of God's Word. I pray that God will bless her life and that she will know His love like never before.

"Jesus said, For I was hungry, and you didn't feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn't give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn't invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn't give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn't visit me. They will reply, 'Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?' And He will answer, I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me." (Matthew 25:42-44)

If I Don't Have Love.....

2008-08-07T08:55:00.000-05:00

The Bible says in I Corinthians 13:1-4, "If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it, but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing."

My version:

I can go to church every time the doors are open, but if I don't love others, it doesn't mean anything.

I can tithe every Sunday, but if I don't love others, it doesn't mean anything.

I can confess scriptures hundreds of times and read the Bible every day, but if I don't love others, it doesn't mean anything.

I can sing, shout, dance, and raise my hands, but if I don't love others, it doesn't mean anything.

I can walk in excellence and have the nicest, cleanest home or church building in town, but if I don't love others, what does it matter?

I can teach the best sermon on faith that anyone has ever heard, but if I don't love others, it doesn't mean anything.

I can drive the most expensive car and live in the biggest house in town, but if I don't love others, it doesn't mean anything.

I can fly around the country and attend every church conference that's held, but if I don't love others, I will be wasting my money.

I can dress nice and have a smile on my face, but if I don't have love, it's just a show.

I can rub elbows with the most famous people in the world, but if I don't love others, it won't get me anywhere.

I can be pretty or handsome, popular, well-educated, successful, rich, admired and even followed by many, but if I don't love others, these things mean nothing.

I can boast of my many achievements, but if I don't have love, I have accomplished nothing.

I can say that I love others, but if I truly don't love others, the words mean nothing.

If I love others I will share the gospel with them. If I love others I will give to them when they are in need. If I love others I will give them my time. If I love others I will be a friend to them. If I love others I won't be so focused on myself that I let opportunities to serve them pass me by. When it comes right down to it, if I love God and love people I am doing something that really matters.

I pray that we will be able to comprehend how wide, how long, how high, and how deep God's love is, and that we will experience His love today, so we can truly love others. (Ephesians 3:18-19)

God's Love Letter

2008-08-06T17:48:00.005-05:00

I found this video today and I had to share it with you. It goes right along with my post on 'God Cares.' It shows the awesomeness of God's love for us.

New Links

2008-08-06T17:28:00.004-05:00

I added some new links today under 'Even More Helpful Articles.' I continue to be amazed at the similarities in the information out there and the experiences I have had. Check out this new material. I have also added some great links to Bible study helps. I hope these things will be a help to you.

God Cares!

2008-08-06T00:00:00.010-05:00

I recently found a blog named A Former Leader's Journey, written by a sweet lady named Barb. She wrote a great post this morning titled 'On Forgiveness.' I emailed her to thank her for her time and for her writings because she has really helped me. In her return email, she made some very helpful remarks that I want to share with you. This is what she said.....

"The most helpful thing has been to not "require" myself to "do" anything. I've really started to understand God's grace and His character. In just understanding Him and gazing at Him I have found my heart soften in so many areas. Forgiveness is naturally springing up and I'm not making it happen. My advice to anyone in our situation is to start to understand the heart of our Father. Study about grace. We will be conformed into His image. Unfortunately if the image we have of Him is warped, our lives will reflect that."

I too have been studying on God's love and grace. In the past, I had begun to wonder what the true nature of God was because of the way the men of God in my life portrayed Him. Some of the ways they talked and acted didn't seem to model His love. But studying on His love and character has made me "return to my first love" (Revelation 2:4). I will never again take my eyes off of Him and what He has done for me. I will focus on His great love for me. I really matter to Him! You really matter to Him! He really does care about us - deeply! His grace, love, and mercy are never ending toward us! I know we hear these things often, but if we take the time to really think about what it means, it will change us.

God loves us so much - He knows every hair on our head! He loves us so much - He knows our every thought! He loves us so much - He told us that we could cast ALL our cares on Him! He loves us so much - He promised He would never leave us! He loved us so much - He sent Jesus to die for us! He forgave our sins! He wrote our names in heaven! He did all of this for you and me!

Need a Smile?

2008-08-05T09:26:00.001-05:00

Okay, This will make you smile!

The Joy of Salvation

2008-08-04T08:43:00.031-05:00

When I first began writing my blog, I had only been gone from my church for just a few weeks. I have come a long way in these last few months and I am seeing more and more truth every day. I want to thank everyone for the kind comments you have left and the support you have been to me. Thank you Jimmy, for all the books you have sent my way - it means a lot to know you have thought about me.

While sitting in my new church yesterday, I had such a sense of gratefulness to God for leading me away from bondage and into freedom. The pastor talked about 3 simple things - prayer, praise, and the Bible. He shared how each one will draw you closer to God and make your relationship with Him stronger. Over the past many years of being in a controlling church that was governed by a strict standard, my relationship with God had suffered greatly. Somewhere along the way I lost the joy of my salvation.

I was saved at the age of 15 and there was truly a change in my life. I became a different person. A great love come into my heart for everyone around me and I had a peace come into my heart that I had never had before. I told all of my friends what had happened to me and invited them to church. One by one they all got saved and started walking with the Lord. Jesus quickly became my best friend and I had a true relationship with my heavenly Father. What happened?

When I first began attending my former church I was young and naive. I trusted and looked up to the leadership. I thought all preachers were holy and that I was supposed to respect and obey them. I was hearing new things and becoming aware that there was much more to the Christian life than I ever imagined - so I thought. In learning new things about faith, I also learned that in this church there were rules you were expected to follow. Many of the rules were unspoken, but I learned them quickly by watching what happened to others if they were broken. The big rule that everyone learned early on was that the pastor was in charge and you are to do what you are told and not question. I developed a fear of the pastor and I never wanted to displease him. I began to place more stock in what he thought about me than I did what God thought of me. I was so busy focusing on what I was and wasn't supposed to do, I allowed myself to drift away from my relationship with God. I am not ashamed to admit this because if I don't acknowledge the truth, then I can't change.

Little by little the excitement I had when I first got saved slipped away. It became hard for me to share my faith with others and invite them to church because I never wanted them to experience the difficulties I was having. I did step out and invite my brother and his wife to come. My brother was newly saved and I was thrilled that he agreed to come to church. He called me one Saturday and told me that he had driven to a park and hiked to the top of the mountain to pray. He shared how he experienced the presence of God and how he knew that God had heard his prayers. It was precious to me and I could relate, because when I was newly saved as a teenager, I would walk to the lake near my house and sit on the dock and pray. I would always feel God's presence. Soon after my brother's call, he came to church and something happened that broke my heart. I kid you not, the pastor began to talk about these "dummies" who think that they have to go up to a top of a mountain to hear from God. To this day I can feel the same feelings I felt that day. All I could do was think of how my brother's feelings must be hurt. I was afraid my brother thought that I had told the pastor what he had shared with me about going to the mountain. Of course I had not told and I couldn't even believe what had happened. He left the church soon after that and now I see that it was the best thing he could have done. He has a very special relationship with God and loves to help people.

We were told all the time to bring visitors to church, but after something like this I was afraid that someone else would be hurt. As Christians, we are supposed to want to share our faith and invite people to church. I did when I was first saved all the time, but I lost the enthusiasm for doing this over the years. I knew that people would be met at the door with rules that were impossible to follow.

Things happen subtly and gradually in controlling churches. The first time you hear certain things it may shock you, but you are conditioned to keep quiet and accept all that comes your way. You say to yourself, "They tell me this is the best church in the world, so where else would I go? I know certain things don't seem right, but maybe it will stop. Perhaps God will speak to him and he will correct it. After all, he is the pastor and he knows more than me. Who am I to question? I am the one who is probably out of line. I better just go along with what he says. Why? Because he's the pastor, that's why." How many people have said these same things to themselves, not realizing they were going against their own heart? How many times have we not invited people to church because of what we were afraid would happen, and yet we sat there week after week, talking ourselves into staying? It's dangerous to push away your own heart's desires to serve a man or a church. It can cost you years of having a true relationship with God.

As I listened to the pastor at my new church talk about the simplicity of prayer yesterday, I realized that I had pretty much "spiritually thrown up my hands on prayer" in the past. I just couldn't see how it would work for me. My friend over at Clarity Rediscovered did a great job describing the rules that the church placed on prayer. If we didn't say something just right, then our prayers wouldn't work. We were told that God didn't want to hear our problems, and all He wanted to hear was the Word. I got so confused because I heard others say that I could talk to God about anything. What was I supposed to do? The simplicity that I once walked in when praying was clouded by rules that contradicted themselves. I lost the joy of sitting down with my Father and sharing my life. I was afraid I would do something wrong.

The same is true for praise. Our church was so focused on singing the right words that we lost the whole point of what praise is. D wrote a good post over at Loving Jesus, Leaving Church on her experience in praise and worship. The songs at my former church were carefully selected. We were never allowed to sing anything that talked about trials we were going through or hurts that we had experienced. All the songs had to be about how God would bless us and what He could do for us. I got so focused on singing confessions of faith that I lost the joy of singing adoration to Him. I loved Hillsongs music and the songs always made me want to worship, but our church wouldn't sing them because they thought there were too many wrong words and phrases in them. I thought so hard about praying and singing the right things, I couldn't even think about Him. (Can you see how the frustration comes by trying to follow the unattainable guidelines of a controlling church?)

Relationship is what Christianity is all about. Many people who are trapped in these controlling systems are merely going through the motions. Relationship is replaced by a long list of rules and regulations that you must follow to be accepted. The leaders talk about how people don't need to get under the spirit of religion, when that is the very thing they are under. How people act is more important than what's really going on in a person's life. We can spend so many years of our life trying to measure up to and please a man, that we lose our relationship with God. For years I tried to measure up, follow the rules, keep the standard of excellence, pray the right things, confess the right scriptures, give to the right ministers, worship the right way, keep up the right appearance, sit in the right seat, say amen in the right place, and submit to every word that came from the pastor, but I was letting my relationship with God get buried under this pile of rules.

There was talk of freedom, but true freedom would have never been attained as long as I was in this place. I was in a meeting one day and I heard a church leader say, "We are not going to give the people what they want. We are going to give them what they need and they don't even know what they need." It seemed that this leader was saying that we were too dumb to think for ourselves - that we were too dumb to even know what we want or need. Why wouldn't they give the people what they wanted? Why wouldn't they want to make it a happy place for these people who gave so much of their time and lives to serve them? Why did the leaders pride themselves in the fact that you had to be "tough" to attend this church? Why did they want so much control over good people who were just trying to be a blessing to them? When I heard that statement I knew it wasn't right, but once again I talked myself into believing I had to accept it. Once again, I put my hopes, dreams, and any hope of ever having a voice on the back burner - way in the back. After being in this place for so long, I was slowly drying up on the inside. You would have never known by looking at me on the outside and I didn't even know until a short time ago. I had been in such a thick fog - I couldn't even see it.

It is by the grace of God that the light came to me. I am so thankful - words cannot express my gratitude to God for setting me free. God is restoring the joy of my salvation day by day and I have begun to trust in prayer again. The Christian life was never meant to be hard and burdensome. Our salvation is meant to be enjoyed and shared with others. God wants us to be so happy that others see and want what we have. Matthew 5:13 says, "You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor?" We are the salt of the earth and we can't allow anyone to make us lose our happiness for God. I am back to a place where I want to share my faith with others again, but I also have a new resolve to help as many as I can to stay away from hurtful experiences like the one I have been through.

As I sat in my new church yesterday, I thought about how I would be excited to invite anyone to come visit with me. There is love and freedom there and people are happy! There are not a bunch of rules - you can wear what you want and they even have free donuts and coffee! Some would call this "seeker friendly" - I call this freedom! I call it loving people! I went to a fellowship group last night and had the best time bowling and eating Mexican food. My children had a large group of friends over last night and had a Bible study. Even though we still have some things to work through, we are the happiest we have ever been. God never meant for us to live under the control of someone else. When I first got saved Colossians 3:23 was one of my favorite scriputres. It says, "And whatsoever you do, do it heartily as unto the Lord, and not to men." Never again will I let someone else take the place of my precious heavenly Father.

For all who have been in this situation, my prayer is,"Restore unto us the joy of thy salvation." (Psalm 51:12)

Put Your Trust In God

2008-07-29T08:52:00.015-05:00

I have heard many things over the years that I am now taking the time to go back and re-examine. I have always liked to study and look things up in different Bible translations and commentaries, but I realize I have let some things get past me. I am trying to figure out how I allowed myself to accept so many things and why I didn't find out if they were really true before I believed them. I want to make sure from now on that I am keeping a watch over and guarding what goes into my heart and the hearts of my children.

When you submit yourself to a certain church, their focus will most likely become your focus. That's a good thing when they are teaching the Bible and pointing people to Jesus, but sometimes there are things being taught that aren't in line with the Bible. There are those who pull scriptures out of context and try to make doctrines out of them. People stand up and say, "God told me this," and everyone automatically believes it. I don't care who it is - when someone says that God spoke to them about something we should not accept it until we find it in the Bible. There are many differing teachings out there in the world and we are responsible to find out which ones are right. You can go to 2 different churches and hear 2 different teachings on the same subject, but how will you know which to believe? The only thing you should take at face value is the Bible. Make sure the Bible supports it before you base your life on it.

The truth is plain and simple. When it starts to become hard to understand we need to take a step back. I remember when I first got saved I loved to read my Bible. I was learning all about God and what I needed to do to please Him. Things over the years seemed to get more difficult to understand because people were teaching their "deep revelations" and they got away from the simple truths like:

*Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness. (Matthew 5:6)

*Let your light so shine before men. (Matthew 5:16)

*Seek ye first the kingdom of God. (Matthew 6:33)

*The harvest is plenteous, but the laborers are few. Pray that the Lord will send laborers into His harvest. (Matthew 9:9)

*Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind. (Matthew 22:37)

*Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39)

*Go into all the world, and preach the gospel. (Mark 16:15)

*Rejoice because your names are written in heaven. (Luke 10:20)

*For God so loved the world, He gave His only Son. (John 3:16)

*Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:6)

*The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost. (Romans 5:5)

*I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

I could go on and on, but I'm sure that many of you can relate to what I am saying. These are the scriptures we began to learn in the beginning. We can't get away from these simple truths. I have been going back and reading these scriptures and I feel like I am newly saved.

There are some teachings out there on money, tithing, and increase that people seem to be placing above everything else. There are a lot of new believers coming into churches and they aren't being taught simple foundational truths like the ones I listed above. Statements are being made in some churches that seem to say that everything good in a person's life hinges on the tithe. I do not believe that God withholds things from people that Jesus already provided just because they don't tithe. I cannot find in the Bible where it says that your healing is based on whether or not you tithe. I Peter 2:24 says, "By the stripes of Jesus you are healed." This verse is so clear about what brings about healing. It doesn't say that it's by the tithe you are healed. To say that you need to be a tither to receive from God brings works into the picture, but we are not under works, we are under grace! God does things for us because He loves us! When things like this are taught it makes people put their trust in their tithe instead of putting their trust in the Lord and His love for them.

I have heard teaching for years on I Corinthians 3:6 which says, "I, Paul, planted, and Apollos watered, but it was God who gave the increase." These verses have been taught in reference to financial increase. Just because the word 'increase' is used does not automatically mean that God is talking about money. I looked this up in a Bible commentary and it was not referring to money at all. I thought what it says is quiet ironic. Look at what it says.....

"Paul was reminding them that the ministers about who they contended were but ministers, mere instruments used by the God of all grace. Some of the people in Corinth seem to have made more of them, as if they were lords of their faith, authors of their religion. Note, we should take care not to deify ministers, not put them into the place of God. Apostles were not the authors of our faith and religion. Observe, all the gifts and powers that even apostles discovered and exerted in the work of the ministry were from God. The success of the ministry must be derived from the divine blessing. Ministers are nothing of themselves, can do nothing with effectiveness and success unless God give the increase. The best qualified and most faithful ministers have a just sense of their own insufficiency, and are very desirous that God should have all the glory of their success. Paul and Apollos are nothing at all in their own account, but God is all in all."

I have looked at certain scriptures for years and wondered why I didn't read it the same as some ministers do. I guess I just thought I wasn't getting the same big revelations that others were, but now I see that I wasn't supposed to. I want to have financial increase throughout my life. I think almost everyone probably does! But I don't think people should use a scripture that really doesn't even apply to try to make a point. It says what it says and that is what God meant!

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and He will give you everything you need." God tells us in this verse how to bring blessing into our lives and it's by putting Him first. A few verses up, Matthew 6:24 says, "No man can serve two masters. You cannot serve God and money." Money is a tool we can use to do many things, but it can never become the main priority in our lives. I Timothy 6:17-18 says, "Teach those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which is so unreliable. Their trust should be in God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment. Tell them to use their money to do good. They should be rich in good works and generous to those in need, always being ready to share with others." The things that should be taught are found in this verse - don't put your trust in money. Put your trust in God and the simple truths in His Word!

God's Unconditional Love

2008-07-28T07:01:00.024-05:00

Another subject I've been thinking about and studying is God's unconditional love. I have heard about His love my whole life. I heard once that someone asked Billy Graham what was the most important thing he had learned in all his years of ministry and he said, "Jesus loves me, this I know." We have all sang that song, but did we really grasp the fullness of it? I think people can have a hard time believing in God's love for them if they have been through a tough time in their life. You see it all the time - children who grew up with an abusive father have a hard time relating to God as a Father. I have also seen how a person's view of God's love can be affected by being in a controlling, abusive church. Just like children think that their parents are a picture of God, I think young Christians look up to the church leaders to show them who God is. Church leaders should always point people to Jesus and be a picture of His love, but that doesn't always happen and it has caused some precious people to stumble.

I can see how people have the wrong impression of who God is because of certain things that have gone on in controlling churches. I think people unknowingly place God in the same category as the men of God in their lives. When they see their leaders acting in unloving or manipulative ways they automatically think that these men are representing God's character. I do not expect anyone to be perfect, but using ordinary, everyday people skills is a good place to start. They should just stop and ask the question, "How is what I am about to do or say going to affect this person?" One time I was in a meeting and I was pointed out and embarrassed in front of the whole congregation. I wanted to burst into tears and run out. I was able to hold it in, but I was standing there thinking, "Would God do this to me? Would He embarrass me like this?" I don't believe that He would ever do anything to hurt any of his children, but I can understand why people would question. I think some of the ways God is portrayed are very insulting to Him. I can see Him wanting to call out to people, "That is not the way I am! I am a gentleman!"

I saw something on the Internet the other day that made me cringe as I watched. There was a guy talking about a meeting he was preaching at and he said he was walking down the prayer line asking God why He wasn't healing people. (I know this sounds terrible, but I want to make a point.) He said that God told him that he needed to kick this certain lady in the face. He looked up and saw this 60 year old lady standing there with her eyes closed. He said he kicked her right in the face with his biker boot. I don't see how anyone could believe that these were God's instructions. Would God - a loving Father - ever tell someone to kick a lady in the face? I know if someone kicked me or my daughter in the face, my husband would be very upset. What are these types of behaviors saying to the world? Simple common sense tells us these are not loving behaviors. No wonder people in the world are not running to the church. Why would they want to subject themselves to things like this? Let's take the simple love test - would you want someone to treat your wife, mother, or child like this? Would you want someone to hurt them or call them a name? If you wouldn't, then neither would God.

I heard of a story where a young man had not been to church in years, but his family finally talked him into going. He had always had a bad case of psoriasis on the back of his head, so he wore caps to cover it up. He walked in the front door of the church and was met by someone telling him to remove his cap. He tried to explain to them that he needed to wear the cap because of his condition, but he was told, "I don't care what your problem is, you can't wear a cap in here because it shows disrespect to God." The young man turned around and walked out and never went back to another church. He wanted nothing to do with God or church after that. He had not been shown the love of God. That saddens me greatly. I don't think God cared for one second if that young man wore that cap into church. I think God cared much more about his soul than a rule!

I shared these stories, not to make people upset, but to show that these are not God's ways. His way is love. When people don't show His love, it's not His fault. He gets blamed for a lot of things He never had a part in. The church must keep their focus on God's love! Love is what really matters to God! People's lives could be hanging in the balance and one act of love could make the difference. Churches should never be so focused on keeping rules that they overlook a hurting person who needs the love of God. That young man should have been told, "Sure you can wear that cap, we're just glad you're here!" I John 4:7-8 says, "My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn't know the first thing about God, because God is love - so you can't know Him if you don't love." These verses are very clear. If people don't love, then they don't know God - God is love!

I haven't heard many sermons taught on God's unconditional love, but I believe that people would be drawn to God much more because of His love for them, rather than the fear of what will happen if they don't follow the rules. We must realize that we can't do anything that will make Him love us any more or any less. The truth is that we don't have to do anything to earn God's unconditional love. We already have it! Think about it this way - do your children have to do something to earn your love? Do they have to give you money to make you love them? Do they walk around on pins and needles scared that if they make one wrong move you will pound them? No! We love our children, and there is nothing they can do to earn our love. We love them, not based on what they do, but who they are. God is the same with us! We were created because He wanted to have children to love and there is nothing we can do to earn His love. He just loves us! These are the things we need to be more focused on if we want to reach a lost and dying world.

I have heard it said many times that if people see us prosper and see us live in big houses they will want to serve God. I think that you can live in the biggest house in the world, but if you don't have love, people will not listen to you! People are looking for one thing to fill the void in their lives and it's God's unconditional love.

*I have added links on the sidebar to some wonderful articles on God's love.

What Does The Bible Say?

2008-07-26T10:34:00.001-05:00

*A lot of this post is just me thinking out loud. If I learn later that I am wrong in anything I say, I will make it right. I am simply asking some questions and trying to figure some things out. If anyone has any thoughts or insight on these things, please comment.

Someone asked me the other day, "So how do you know which ministers are saying the right things?" I am not the one to say who is right or who is wrong, but I know that the Bible is the Word of God and that is what we must base our lives on. We should never just believe something because it comes from behind a pulpit. We have to take our Bibles and find out what God is really saying to us.

I went on to have a long conversation with this person and I shared with him what my family has been doing. We have taken our Bibles and we have begun to read them as if we are reading them for the first time. I think a lot of times people have added to what the Bible says, when what God expects us to do is take His Word for what it says. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about.....

"Jesus said to them, "If you can't understand the meaning of this parable, how will you understand all the other parables? The sower plants seed by taking God's Word to others. The seed that fell on the footpath represents those who hear the message, only to have Satan come at once and take it away. The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy, but since they don't have deep roots, they don't last long. They fall away as soon as they have problems or are persecuted for believing God's Word. The seed that fell among the thorns represents others who hear God's word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life, the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things, so no fruit is produced. And the seed that fell on good soil represents those who hear and accept God's Word and produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred fold." (Mark 4:13-20)

Many times people have taken these verses and used them in reference to having "good ground" for sowing money into. After reading this passage again recently, I don't see where these verses have anything to do with money. If you take these verses at face value and don't add anything to them, these are verses about sowing the Word of God into your heart. When Jesus talked about producing a hundred fold He was talking about the seed of the Word that fell on the good soil of a person's heart. I just don't think Jesus was referring to money here at all. Has anyone else ever noticed this?

A lot of people have been talking about the anointing lately, so it has caused me to do some thinking. I went to the concordance to look up the word "anointing" and there was only one scripture reference in the New Testament. (There are references to the word anoint, anointed, and anointing with oil, but only one for the anointing.) This one verse is I John 2:27 and it says, "The anointing which you have received of him abides in you, and you need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teaches you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it has taught you, you shall abide in him." Other translations don't even use the word anointing - some translations say, "As you have received the Holy Spirit...." That tells me that we all have the same anointing. We received it when we were saved. I just don't see where some anointings are higher than others. If I am thinking correctly, we all have the same Holy Spirit living in us and I don't think He comes in different degrees - one person is not higher than another in the eyes of God. Does anyone know of any scriptures that say something different?

I have heard ministers say that they have to "protect the anointing." What are they protecting it from? Isn't the anointing for the people? We see in the Bible that Jesus was always out among the people and it did not bother Him when people bumped into Him. In fact, people were healed when they came in contact with Him. Is the anointing so fragile as to be shaken when people have needs. I think the anointing they talk about, and the Holy Spirit are one in the same. John 14:26 says that He is a Comforter, Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Stand-by. I have drawn the conclusion that the anointing would be all these things to the people. Would He withdraw Himself from the very people who need Him? I'm wondering if sometimes people feel like God may be unapproachable because some of the men they look up to are unapproachable. Here are some verses that tell us how it is supposed to be....

"I have a special concern for you church leaders. I know what it's like to be a leader, in on Christ's sufferings as well as the coming glory. Here's my concern: that you care for God's flock with all the diligence of a shepherd. Not because you have to, but because you want to please God. Not calculating what you can get out of it, but acting spontaneously. Not bossily telling others what to do, but tenderly showing them the way. When God, who is the best shepherd of all, comes out in the open with his rule, he'll see that you've done it right and commend you lavishly. Any you who are younger must follow your leaders. But all of you, leaders and followers alike, are to be down to earth with each other, for God has had it with the proud, but takes delight in just plain people. So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs." (I Peter 5:1-6)

Another thing I have heard so much about over the years is tithing. In some churches it seems that the tithe and money is all you hear about. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying anything negative about tithing or giving. Actually I love to give. It makes me happy when I help someone in need or when I give to a good cause. I also think it is good and right to support the church you attend with your finances, and I do. What I don't understand is why some churches feel that they have to pound it into people by teaching on tithing week after week. I think sometimes people feel like they are being forced into giving instead of being appreciated for what they do give. And since when did teaching on the tithe become more important than teaching on Jesus?

My husband grew up tithing in the Baptist church. It has always just been a way of life for him because he made the decision to tithe early on. Many people grew up the same way. I know of churches that say, "We are not going to pass buckets, if you want to give, there are buckets in the back as you leave. You just do whatever is on your heart to do." I love that! They believe that people can follow their heart and they don't have to try to force anyone to give. Sometimes money is never mentioned in a service at the church I am attending, but every time I put my offering in the bucket, it's full! People have a heart to give, but I think they can get to the point where they lose their joy and cheerfulness about giving when they feel like they are being fussed at or pressured into it. And I feel that it is wrong when people are told that God is not going to do anything for them if they don't put something in the bucket. Listen to these verses....

"You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don't give reluctantly or in response to pressure. For God loves a person who gives cheerfully. And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. Yes, you will be enriched in every way so that you can take your gifts to those who need them, they will thank God. So two good things will result from this ministry of giving - the needs of the believers will be met, and they will joyfully express their thanks to God." (2 Corinthians 9:7-8 & 11-12)

I believe that most every Christian has the heart to give. It's just in our nature because of who our Father is. I am not looking for a way out of giving or tithing, I am looking for the places to give where I can help the most people.

I really am searching for answers and trying to see things from God's viewpoint. Sometimes I feel like I am starting over. I know I learned some good things at my former church, but I am trying to figure out what to take with me and what to leave behind. I know this is a process that will take time. I just want to get back to the Bible and stay on the right track. If I see it on the pages of the Bible I will believe it fully. I think people can get overloaded with rules and trying to meet a certain standard that is placed on them by people, and not by God. I want to keep it simple and live out my life doing the things that really matter to God.

New Links To Check Out

2008-07-25T10:05:00.005-05:00

Be sure to check out the new links I have added to the bottom of 'More Helpful Articles'. There is some good stuff there.

Stand Up

2008-07-25T08:21:00.003-05:00

Can one person really make a difference? I read a story on the Internet that illustrates so well how one person standing up for what they believe in can change things. It is believed to be a true story. This is the story....

There was a professor of philosophy at USC who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn't exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him because of his reputation.

At the end of every semester, on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "It there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They all knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Anyone who does believe in God is a fool. If God existed, He could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can't do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor and it would break into a hundred pieces. The students could do nothing but sit and stare. Most of the students were convinced that God couldn't exist.

A few years ago, there was a freshman who enrolled in the class. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about this professor. He had to take the class because it was required for his major. He prayed every morning for 3 months that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said or what the class thought. He hoped that nothing could shatter his faith.

Finally the day came. The professor said, "If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up in the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You fool! If God existed, He could keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!' He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleats of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away, unbroken. The professor's jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked at the young man and ran out of the lecture hall. The young man walked to the front of the classroom and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God's love for them.

Real Life

2008-07-24T16:36:00.010-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about the service I went to the other night and I so appreciate the fact that a minister talked about the things people go through on a daily basis, in real life. He didn't try to give a formula for success, but he talked about real problems people face and what to do about them. People do have problems and just pretending that they don't doesn't make them go away. I went to a church where you had to keep up the appearance that everything was always great in your life. If you didn't, you were "not in faith." We just pushed things under the rug to keep up an image, but the real issues were never dealt with.

In controlling churches, how things look on the outside is so much more important than the people on the inside. Image is everything. The better the image, the more successful you are. You are taught that how you look is what really matters. You are told - dress nice, dress your kids nice, don't chew gum, keep your cars clean, hang out with wealthy people, and don't get to-go boxes at restaurants. What is all of that about? It's about image and it makes people feel that they are not accepted for who they are. I just don't think God cares about things that some make such a big deal about. The image is not what God places the importance on. The people are what really matter to God!

People have real problems, and churches, of all places, should realize that. When people are told they can't come for counseling, but instead they need to sit in church for their answers, real help and compassion should be offered in the services. The answer is not always to give more money. The ministers talk about their increase and their great anointing. They tell the people they need to follow them and rise to their level. I think some ministers have forgotten where they came from when they first started. They shouldn't point people to themselves, they should point people to Jesus.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit punchy today, but I talked to a friend this morning who is struggling because of being in a church like this. I'm upset that these churches have caused so many people to feel like they have no one to trust. I realized something today - I have been talking about how free I am, but she hasn't reached that place yet because of all the hard questions she still has. I don't want to be so caught up in my own life that I forget about the ones who are still having a tough time. These things should never be taken lightly - peoples lives are involved.

I never want it to come across like I'm down on the church (the body of Christ). The kind of church I am referring to above is a controlling, abusive church. I have found a new church that my family really likes and it has shown me that there are people and ministers out there who love God and love people. I also never want it to appear that I'm downplaying faith, because the Bible tells us to live by faith. I have just realized that faith is not a formula. Faith is not pretending you don't have problems. Faith is believing in a person - Jesus Christ. Faith is trusting in the truthfulness of God's Word and His love for us. I know that He will never roll His eyes or sigh if I bring my questions and problems to Him. He welcomes all of us with open arms and He will counsel us as much as we need it.

My prayer is that my friend, who I talked to today, will find all the answers she is looking for. If there was anything I could do to help and take the hurt away, I would do it. I want the very best for her and her entire family.

SCARRED

2008-07-22T23:37:00.008-05:00

I went to a church service tonight and I heard a message that really touched my heart. It seemed to be a message that was tailor made just for me, and yet I looked around and saw many tears. The name of the message was SCARRED. The young minister began to talk about the many different types of scars people have - physical, emotional, and spiritual. My children and some of their friends were sitting in front of me and I thought about some of the most recent scars they have experienced. I thought about my friends who have been through the same things I have with a church and some have been through a lot worse than I could ever imagine. As he began to talk I knew that this service was going to bring healing to my life. It would take too long to try to cover it all, but I want to share a few things that really helped me.

He had some great illustrations - see if you can picture these things. He had everyone stand who had any type of physical scar. Almost every single person in the room stood. This signified how our co-workers, our friends, and strangers we come in contact with, all have scars that we don't know about. He also had a girl walk out with a jacket on, looking really happy, but when she took her jacket off, she had on a white shirt with pieces of red tape to symbolize scars in her life. He played a video of different people, who looked happy, but each one told about an event in their life that had left an emotional scar. The things he said and the illustrations he gave made me so aware that there are people all around us who are hurting. Then......

He shared about the scars that Jesus has and how He was thinking of each one of us when He took each blow. Each time Jesus was beat He thought about how much He loved us. Jesus pictured us in His mind and had thoughts of how we would be somebody in life because of the scars He was taking. Because of what Jesus did for us, we can overcome the scars in our lives. This young minister shouted, "Jesus thought we were worth it!" I was so reminded tonight of the love Jesus has for me and you.

He concluded the service by saying , "Jesus doesn't want us to let our scars defeat us. He wants us to use them to help others!" We all have scars that hurt, but when we look back and remember how we got them, we can use what we have learned to help others. I left there with great hope and a resolve to help as many people as I can. That's really what this blog is all about. I care enough that I don't want others to have hurts that cause scars in their lives. I thought about many of you tonight - ones who have been called names, ones who have lost children, ones who have lost friends, ones who have lost jobs, ones who have been mistreated, and I just want you to know that Jesus loves you and I love you.

On a Lighter Note

2008-07-21T21:38:00.003-05:00

I came across this list on the Internet and I thought it was so cute. Guys, this is probably just for the ladies, although you can read it too. I wanted to post it to spread some happiness. (I added the last item on the list.)

Happiness is:

Falling in love

Laughing so hard your face hurts

A hot shower

No lines in the supermarket

A special glance

Getting mail

Taking a drive on a pretty road

Hearing your favorite song on the radio

Lying in bed listening to rain outside

Hot towels fresh out of the dryer

A chocolate milkshake...or vanilla...or strawberry

A bubble bath

Giggling

A good conversation

The beach

Finding money in your coat from last winter

Laughing at yourself

Running through sprinklers

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all

Playing with a new puppy

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep

Making new friends or spending time with old ones

Having someone play with your hair

Sweet dreams

Hot chocolate with marshmallows

Swinging on swings

Making chocolate chip cookies and eating them

Having your friend send you homemade cookies

Holding hands with someone you care about

Watching the expression on someones face as they open a much-desired present from you

Watching the sunrise

Watching the sunset

Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day

Knowing that somebody misses you

Getting a hug from someone you care about

Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think

Being free and knowing what really matters in life

The Simple Love of God

2008-07-21T11:06:00.020-05:00

I got an email this morning from a friend and she shared a great passage of scripture with me. I want to share it with you....

"Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity. God brings the best out of you, and develops well-formed maturity in you.

We are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy, share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody." (Romans 12:1-15)

When my friend sent this to me, she said,"This is what we should model our lives after." I can agree with her, this is the way I want to live. There are so many things in these scriptures that stand out to me. The Message Bible always says things in a way that hits close to home.

One thing that really bothers me is all of the severed relationships - it's like chopped off fingers that are talked about in the above scripture. If they aren't severed yet, they are being held in secret. It's not freedom when people are afraid to go to dinner with an old friend for fear of being seen with someone who left the church. It's not freedom when the people who you have been friends with for years are afraid to speak to you for fear of someone "telling on them." Since when did it become normal for a person to be told who they can and cannot speak to? The scriptures above talk about being good friends. They talk about loving deeply. In these churches you are expected to cut-off all relations with anyone who has left. If you don't, you are labeled a "renegade." This is so sad to me! This has left so many people wondering, "If a friend can so easily cut me off, then were they a true friend to begin with?" I have compassion for all of the people who feel they are required to cut people out of their lives, because they really don't see what they are doing (at least I don't think they do). One day I think they will see and regret it. God forbid that it would be too late to restore their relationships.

Another thing that is even worse than severed friendships is severed family relationships. We have had the impression that we have to "endure" family events because our families don't believe like we do. We have felt we were being persecuted, when our family was really looking out for our best interest. When I told my brother I had left my church, he said,"My prayers have been answered!" He had seen the control I was under and he was genuinely concerned. We should take the time to enjoy our families while we have the opportunity. I have always told my children, "If a relationship ever starts to come between you and your family - be it a friend, a girlfriend or boyfriend, or even a church, it is not of God." I know there are exceptions, but for the most part this is true.

Why have people gotten so far away from the simple love of God? It breaks my heart to see a husband and wife divided or when I hear that people haven't seen their children in years. These things should not be. The church should be the ones saying, "Go be with your family." If we would just read the scriptures and live by them, then we wouldn't find ourselves in situations that we regret. Most of the things our parents taught us about being nice to our friends, not keeping secrets, and taking care of our brothers and sisters, were right! We shouldn't let others pressure us into acting in immature ways. When people say, "I won't talk to those people who left," that's immature. The verses above say, "God brings the best out of you, developing maturity in you." I want God to bring the best out in me, and that's His love.

I guess you can sense my passion about this. I have seen the hurt on too many faces. We must all realize that so many things that we thought were right and important because of the way we were taught, pale in comparison to what really matters in life. God is not hard to figure out. He is love and He wants us to love others. If something promotes division, it is not promoting God's love. While reading the scriptures above, I was impressed at how much they exemplify love, freedom, unity, laughter, happiness, and friendship. This is what we should model our lives after.

Why Keep Secrets?

2008-07-20T16:30:00.003-05:00

Another characteristic of a controlling church is being "secretive." This is the "can't talk" rule in a reverse role. This is the leaders not sharing any information with the church members. Jeff Van Vonderen says, "When you see people in a religious system being secretive - watch out. People don't hide what is appropriate; they hide what is inappropriate." I was watching a talk show one day on cults and a psychologist said that the number one thing that raises a red flag with him in churches is when people are secretive.

People give of their lives, their time, and their money faithfully week after week. It just doesn't seem to be right when these hard working people are told, "You have no say in any church matters." How can a church stay in unity when only a handful of people know what is going on? It's not asking too much when people want to know how the board members are selected, how the board functions, how the money is spent, or how much money goes to missions. Asking questions like this does not show disrespect to the leaders. It shows that you have an interest in the place you give so much of your life to. There are so many smart, trustworthy church members who really just want to help make the church a better place. It's not abnormal to ask questions, it's abnormal for people to sit back and let someone take control without knowing what's going on behind the scenes. Leaders should be glad when they have men and women of God who care enough to ask - it shows strength and character.

I recently went to a meeting at a church where anyone interested in knowing more about the church could come and ask questions. All of the questions I mentioned above were talked about openly. I didn't ask any questions because they covered it all up front, but I sat there and smiled through the whole meeting thinking, "So this is the way it's supposed to be." I felt like these people respected me enough to give me a voice. I always want to have a servant's heart, show respect, and be kind to all people. I want to teach my children respect and good manners, but I want them to have enough self-respect not to allow themselves to be controlled or manipulated by anyone.

If you see things that you question, don't just blindly go and give yourself fully. If you can't get your questions answered, you should be asking, "Why are you keeping secrets?"

Your Voice Counts

2008-07-18T08:28:00.007-05:00

I wrote a post several days ago about the "can't talk" rule. This rule is one of the characteristics of a controlling church. Basically this rule says that you are not supposed to ask any questions or talk about any problems. If you do talk or question, you become "the problem" and you are then labeled disloyal or rebellious. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I want to add some more thoughts to what I shared previously.

In a controlling church you are not allowed to voice your opinion. The consequences you may have to pay are not worth the chance you take for raising a question or an opposing opinion. This leaves you feeling like your thoughts don't count and you're not important enough to be heard. I think this characteristic is one of the most damaging because it takes away your voice and your individuality. It eventually begins to weaken your self-esteem. When someone tells you that you don't have a voice, it stunts your growth - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is not a healthy situation to be in because you hold years of hurts and questions inside. These things can't stay bottled up inside, they will one day have to come out.

Everyone needs to have a voice. God made us to be unique individuals and think for ourselves. God adores us just the way we are. Our individuality is what makes us special. We all have talents and ideas that can bless and further the kingdom of God. God does not want those gifts He has placed inside of us to be suppressed. We need to be free to be ourselves and feel that others embrace who we are. When someone tries to mold you into what they think you should be, it holds you back. God doesn't care about how a person wears their hair or the type of clothes they wear. We each have different ways we relate to things and God can use each of those ways. He just wants a persons heart. If people are going out and sharing God's love and salvation with others - that's all that really matters.

I feel that such an injustice has been done to many people who were faithful church members because what they wanted didn't matter. God never intended that we labor under the rule of someone else and lay our own desires aside. Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me. Watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." If you have been under a heavy rule - Jesus wants you free!

If you have been in a controlling church, you may feel beat down because you have been told that your dreams don't matter. These types of churches tell you to follow your dreams, but then you are never allowed to voice what they are. People eventually just give up on their dreams. I want to encourage you that there are people who want to hear what you have to say. Don't let the bad experiences you have had keep you from trying again. God wants to use you. As you try other churches keep your eyes wide open and if you see this characteristic, keep going. I know God still has representatives who genuinely love people and will treat you with the respect you deserve. YOUR VOICE COUNTS!

Trust Injuries

2008-07-15T01:00:00.015-05:00

I received a comment on one of my previous posts from someone who had some very heartfelt questions. I have pondered on it for days and realized that his thoughts are the same as so many others, they are all just voiced in different ways. I want to share a portion of this comment with you....

"If I spent so many years of my life at the same church you did, working and believing in what I was doing, and it produced no lasting fruit, will I repeat the same thing all over again? If there is so much sin in the church (and I personally know much from Baptist to Pentecostal to Charismatic churches), where is my family supposed to go to find refuge in this world? Where are the people with the highest moral character this world can find? People no longer measure their words to be sober and honest. The church seems to have no impact on society or worse, it does impact it by contributing to its erosion." - Amos M.

I don't know the answers to all of these questions, but I can relate to the same feelings Amos is having. What stands out in my mind is that this person seems to be asking, "Who can you trust?" Shouldn't the church be the one place people can put their trust? Many people seem to be asking these questions.

People of all ages have been left in the wake, hurting, injured, bruised, and confused. The ones driving the boat don't even look back. They go on only thinking about themselves. Some of the ones suffering the most are young people who have been left devastated by people they trusted to love and protect them. I have watched as they have tried to pick up the pieces, but no one has reached out to them, hugged them, cried with them, or even apologized to them. I have wanted to run to them and beg them not to blame God the way they blame the ones who have hurt them. Some have given up on church and God all together. This shouldn't be! I want to call out to them at the top of my voice, "PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP ON GOD!"

I am a very emotional person. The one thing that will bring tears to my eyes quicker than anything is to see a group of teenagers worshipping God. I went to a service the other night where thousands of young people were all lifting their hands to God. It was amazing to see. Teenagers want to get involved and jump in with both feet. They are enthusiastic and zealous and will give their all for something they believe in. I think that's why they seem to fall the hardest when the trust they had in someone is broken. They have given 100%, but they walk away feeling that no one valued or cared about them.

Leaders in the church have a responsibility to be an example to the young people (and all people) entrusted to them. In many ways theses leaders represent stability, especially for teenagers who may be growing up without a dad or a mom. When that trust is broken it can make a young person feel that their whole world has fallen apart. They are told by the church and even some of their friends, "just get over it," but they are offered no help or guidance.

John Setser says it so well in his book, 'Broken Hearts, Shattered Trust,' "Tragic are the spiritual repercussions of a trust injury. Afflicted individuals find it difficult to believe in God. They feel like spiritual exiles not knowing where to turn. Faith and hope for the future disappear into thin air. They are left feeling frustrated, angry, and confused. The joy of their salvation seems lost forever." I know this seems extreme to those who have not experienced anything like this before, but there are people out there dealing with this today.

Getting past a trust injury is not an event, it's a process. God understands where we are. He allows us to take the little trust we have left and build it back at our pace. We can't lump God in with the mistreatment caused within the church. As sad as it is, there are abusive churches that will cause hurt and they don't even know or care how many people are suffering. The people who are left supporting these types of churches don't realize that they may one day be right where we are. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, but if history truly does repeat itself, they probably will be.

I had another comment left on a previous post that expresses what is also in my heart. Set Free 1107 said, "I have great compassion for those who have been hurt. In our church's case some have been hurt more than others and my heart truly goes out to them. To those who are having a hard time going to church again I would encourage them that its OK to take a break but NEVER give up on God. Remember that it was only a MAN that failed you. God will never leave you or forsake you."

To Amos M., I don't believe you will repeat the same mistake again because you have seen the truth. I believe you will go on to bear much, lasting fruit because it is so apparent that you want what is right. I pray that God will lead you to a place where you can trust again and a place where your family can truly be happy.

I want to emphasize again, if you have questions, don't push them aside. Looking back, the questions I pushed aside were the ones warning me that I shouldn't be trusting. You don't have to have a 'word from God' if your heart already knows the truth. God has given us His mind on things and it is written on the pages of the Bible. The biggest thing on God's mind is love.

Romans 12:9 says, "Don't just pretend that you love others: really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of good. Love each other with brotherly affection and take delight in honoring each other."

Ephesians 4:32 says, "Deal gently with one another and maintain a good attitude. Show goodwill toward each other as God showed toward you in Christ."

John 13:35 says, "The mark by which all men will know you for my disciples will be the love you bear one another."

Colossians 3:14 says, "Most of all, let love guide your life, for then the whole church will stay together in perfect harmony."

Is this a picture of your church? These verses were written to the churches in the New Testament many years ago, but churches everywhere should practice these simple acts. I hope that churches will once again become places of refuge where God's people can trust. Loving God and loving people should be the focus of every church. That is what really matters!

Where Do We Go From Here?

2008-07-12T15:49:00.008-05:00

"Spiritual abuse has the effect of making people extremely self-focused, preoccupied with doing things right and keeping happy those who are in places of authority. Recovery begins and continues with keeping our focus on God, what He has done, and who we are because of that. And in the context of open, grace-full relationships, this focus can be maintained." (Jeff Van Vonderen)

Recovery! I love what this quote says about recovery. We must keep our focus on God. Here are a few reminders of how much He loves us:

*God loves us. I John 3:1 says, "See how much the Father loves us, for He calls us His children, and that is what we are."

*God handpicked us. Ephesians 1:4 says, "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us."

*God comforts us. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles."

I believe if we keep our minds on how much God loves us and keep our minds on loving Him we will recover from the hurts. It will take time, but I trust it will happen. I believe we must also focus on reaching out to others. People are the only eternal thing there is and when we invest in people we are investing in eternity. When you use the word "invest" money automatically comes to mind, but I am not talking about money. I am talking about investing love, compassion, understanding, friendship, prayers, time, and of course money if needed. Too many times people are focused on what they can get for themselves - more money, houses, cars, etc. Life is short and one day all of those material possessions will be nothing. But the people you have reached out to and been nice to and loved, they will be in eternity. What's more important?

Matthew 6:19-20 says, "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy. Wherever your treasure is, there your heart will also be."

God's treasures are His people. That's what He truly cares about. When we invest in His people it goes on record in heaven. A pastor I met recently told a great story about his life that I want to share. He was 17 years old and had only been saved a few months. He was sitting in church and heard a missionary talking about a bible school in India. The cost was $350 to send one young man to bible school for a year. There were many young men in India who wanted to attend, but they didn't have the money to go. He felt a tug at his heart and wanted to ask his dad to give the money to help. He went home that night and felt in his heart that God was telling him to give the money himself. $350 was a lot of money for a 17 year old boy, but he went to the bank and got the money. He took the money to the church to give to send one boy to bible school. He said he thinks about that young man often that he sent to school. He has never met him and doesn't even know his name, but he knows that whatever that young man has gone on to do - getting people saved in the country of India, sharing the Bible with many, starting churches, or whatever he has done - he was a part of and it will go towards his eternal account in heaven because he gave.

That's the kind of giving I want to do. I want to help missionaries who are feeding children. I want to send a boy from India to Bible school. I don't want to give to someone who is only interested in getting more stuff. I want to make a difference for eternity with my giving. I want to see people in heaven because of my giving. I'm so ready to quit hearing about people's possessions and hear what they are doing to make a difference in the lives of people for eternity. This is what it's all about!!!

One more thing I want to say, in the process of moving on it will also help to rely on friends who understand what you are going through. If a person hasn't been through a situation like this, it will be hard for them to understand. If you tried to explain it to some people they would think you were from Mars.

If you ever need a friend to talk to, please feel free to email me at setfree0408@gmail.com

I heard a great song today and here is a portion that touched my heart. This is a shout out to everyone who is free...

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

It is great to be free! My relationship with God is sweet. My friendships are flourishing. I can truly say that what really matters in life is loving God and loving people.

Spiritual Traps (Part 2)

2008-07-12T15:06:00.004-05:00

(I know this is very wordy, but if you can make your way through it, it makes a lot of sense.)

"The fourth aspect of a good trap is called equity rescuing. When people do this with a house, we call the house a "money pit." Money pits are houses that suck people's money into an endless home-improvement mission. This happens because they invest money into the house to make it more livable. But more things keep going bad. Then more money is needed to continue the improvements. After a while, more and more investment is needed to "rescue" all the money already put into the house. This also happens with jobs. After ten years in a job you hate, your conversation with yourself goes something like this: "I hate this job. I think I'll quit. Wait a minute, I can't quit. If I quit I'll have wasted the past ten years. I'll stay for another year. If things don't improve in a year, then I'll quit." The problem is that in a year you have another year's "equity" to rescue. And you'd have to walk away from eleven years instead of ten, so it's harder to leave than before.

Equity rescuing occurs in abusive relationships, as well. In an abusive situation people start moving away from what is normal. Each time something else happens it moves you another step away, until you end up far from normal. You may even be well aware that the situation is abusive and abnormal. So you set up a "boundary." You say, "What's happened up until now is it. No more! I'll stay, but if this happens one more time, I'm leaving." It happens again, but for you to walk away from the situation at this point will feel as if you have been abused for nothing. So you try a little bit harder, and invest a little more of yourself. More serious abuse occurs, so you set up another boundary. "You can call me names and push me around, but if I ever get a black eye, then I'll quit.

The problem is that people don't compare their situation to what is normal, they compare it the last adjustment made. Compared to all they have invested, this latest violation just isn't that big of a compromise. If they would compare it to normal, they would be able to see how many unhealthy adjustments they have made and how really abnormal and unhealthy the relationship has become.

It's ironic that the fact that we care so much about our faith is what contributes to our being trapped in unhealthy systems. We care about the kingdom of God. We want to put our energy, our time, and our money there. Shouldn't the church be the best investment? But sometimes our efforts turn into an equity-rescuing venture.

You invest more and more of your life in a system that promises but cannot deliver. You deny what you see, how you feel, how tired you are, and the problems you have, and call it spiritual. As denial turns to delusion you lose sight of how the system has actually begun to hurt you and how your own life is hurting others. Your friends try to warn you, but you cannot hear. You are caught in the trap of the spiritually abusive system."